Christmas 1998

Dear Family and Friends,

Happiest of Holidays to you and your families! 1998 sure was the “turn around” year for our family. Julien took a transfer back to New York (as Director of Finance and Business Operations) so in July we packed up our gang (once again) and headed on back home. We had already sold our house in NY, so we were ever so grateful to be able to rent a townhouse with our 3 beasts (1 mean the dogs, not the kids). New Hampshire was wonderful and we felt sad leaving family and friends behind, but we got a great opportunity to go back “home” — and so we did!

The kids are doing great - and we’re back in the same town that we left 1 year ago, so the transition back into school was an easy one. Chris is in the 1(9” grade, about 6’2”, 175 lbs. or so and spends all of his spare time doing an internship at the local cable station taping t.v. shows. He’s already thinking about college and has high hopes for what he would like to do, but will need some “big” scholarships if he chooses a private university. Stephanie is in 8th grade, and just began training for “Track & Field” events so that she can become part of the spring track team at school. Believe it or not, she is learning to pole vault (yes, that’s right) and jump the hurdles. Miracles never cease! She got her braces on her teeth in April and finds it quite the fashion trend to visit the orthodontist to change the color of her bands. Nick is 10 years old and weighs in at about 110 lbs. He just finished his first year of football and has found his “niche” in this sport. He is proud that he never missed one of the 50 some-odd practices, nor missed any of the games won the “Coach Gallo Award” for this accomplishment. He and Steph are both now playing town basketball and it seems that just as one sport ends another has already begun.

We had a crazy summer as Julien was working in NY for 6 weeks before the family could move and then we moved in with my folks for 2 weeks until our place was ready. I’m sure they could tell you some stories to curl your hair, along with the one about us arriving at their house on a Friday night with 2 cars UI, 3 kids, 3 dogs, I bird, and oh — Julien and myself too! We were able to get a few days away as a family and went up to Maine to my Aunt Glady’ s camp to visit family we hadn’t seen in “way too long.” My sister Meg was home from Michigan at the same time and she, too, came along in the van with the dog and us as we headed on north. The kids and Meg made a “royal” attempt to water ski and Steph and Meg were the only ones in our family who got up to an actual standing position! We had a great time visiting with cousins, fishing, picking blueberries and just relaxing.
This was a busy year for me too! I’m back volunteering as the secretary of the “puppy club”, and the newest member (dog) to our family is Atlas, a “white” golden retriever who is a hefty 90 lbs. already! Our club took a trip to Hershey Park, PA with the dogs in September and it was quite a “hoot” riding the monorail and other rides with our dogs. We sure left a lasting impression! I am back working at the middle school in town, but now my official title is “intramural coach” and I work ½ the day running a sports program for the students during their lunch periods. I sure blow a mean whistle and have learned a lot about refereeing games. Who’d ever think — sports and me in the same sentence! I also officially turned 40 this year — and to prove I can do “anything’ went out and bought my first tent. I’m going to get this gang to go camping, no matter what, but I’ve not yet figured out how I can plug in my hair dryer out in the woods!

We’re hoping to be in a house sometime this coming year, and are all looking forward to spending more time with our families again!

God Bless you all .... you’re all loved and missed! Have a Merry Christmas and a safe, New Year!

Love,Pam & Company

This Christmas Season

I have been thinking a lot about Pam lately. I am sure it is the holiday season that Pam always loved so much. You can't help but remember the holidays of years gone by and how warm and wonderful they were. We put up our tree last week and the Pammie ornaments are my favorite (even though when I unwrap them, they make me cry).
-The red, white and blue painted little chair, which is a memory from making garden chairs in Michigan on our first trip there.
-The Appalachian trail marker, which is a memory from the year we hiked on a few(very small) sections of it. Pammie loved the book "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson
- A handmade (they all were) ornament with a picture of me and Ed from the first Christmas after we got engaged. The picture of me is not great, but I love it.

We also took out our collection of snow globes. If you told Pam that you were collecting something, you were guaranteed to get one from her. I told her that I decided to collect snow globes for Eddie. So, the little train set snow globe, that is from Polar Express she bought for Eddie. She read that book to Eddie one Christmas Eve. The little snow globe with the angel in it that plays Silent Night and the First Noel she gave to Eddie. When I took them out I told Eddie to never forget that these were from Aunt Pam.

Thank you Pammie for leaving us so many things that remind us of you.

Christmas Letter: 1996

December 1996

Dearest Family, Friends, and Country Folk,

Holiday greetings from Warwick, New York! Another year has flown by so quickly and as I approach that magical birthday #39, I appreciate more and more the times our family has shared all through the year (I guess I should be happy I’m not turning #40 yet). Where does the time go?

The kids have all grown so much this past year and we’ve now reached the point that Julien will borrow stuff from Chris. They now have the same shoe size, are almost the same height, but Julien still beats Chris out in “bulk” (although Chris weighs at least 10 pounds more than me)! I’m sure that it won’t be too long until they are an even match! Chris is doing well in school. He is in three honors courses and has found golf to be his sport. I’m not sure where he gets his “smarts” from - it’s sure not his mother. Next year he’ll be in high school and then we’ll be thinking about college. He is sure he wants to be a computer engineer and who knows where he’ll end up going to school. Maybe he’ll join my sister, Meg, out in Michigan! Stephanie n doing well in the 6th. grade. She played girl’s softball this spring and starts her Red Cross Junior Lifesaving Course in February. She also just began girl’s basketball and keeps me running with her love of shopping, clothes, jewelry, and her fetish for pocketbooks (all shapes and sizes). She sure is a typical pre-teenager and has a terrific sense of humor Nicolas is sports, sports, sports! We did baseball this past spring, football and baseball camp this summer, we just completed soccer, and have now just started basketball. We have already signed up for baseball this spring and who knows what else! When he is home, he hangs outside playing Street hockey and I am convinced he’ll never get through high school with his front teeth intact. He’s doing well in the 3rd grade but would pick sports over homework anytime. He, too, is tall like Chris, and soon will be a match for his dad.

Our summer was busy, but fin! We started off the summer with Chris having sinus surgery and his recovery went great! In July, the whole family went on a 4-day cable convention to Newport, Rhode Island and Julien and I even got to go out and have dinner at The Hammersmith Farm (the Kennedy’s summer home). The kids had a wild time as Disney, Nickelodeon, The Learning Channel, and The Discovery Channel came up to do activities with them. Chris even had teen nights and one night we went to pick him up and we discovered him in the front of the Electric Slide line. We were told that he had beat all doing karaoke to the song “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” (he is a country music fan). It was a vacation to remember - what a blast!

Julien is doing great at his job - traveling up to Massachusetts a lot, but really enjoying it (the regional headquarters is there). He spent his summer weekends in his garden and he’s become quite famous for the “sweetest cheery tomato.” We even grew eggplant. O.K., we only grew two, but they made the best half-a-plate of fried eggplant I’ve ever had. He and I also spent a few weekends attempting to wallpaper our entryway, hallway, living and dining room walls. We now appreciate the money paid to professional wallpaper hangers as I am not exactly sure how we got the project done without killing each other! Our most recent adventure was a trip to the city to see the Broadway play “Beauty and the Beast, which included fighting the elements of a hurricane, flooded and closed roads, and a 4 ‘/2 hour drive home!

Meg was home during the summer and we did some great day trips. We went to The Catskill Game Farm and there was a llama there that was convinced I was his mother. He constantly followed me around and knew if I could I would have brought him home. For those of you who don’t know my love for animals, we have Woody (a guinea pig that we adopted last December after we saw the movie Toy Story). That’s where he got his name from. We also have Tulip (a huge mutant bunny I brought home from the local Agway store Easter weekend). Now, you have to understand that I was sure Julien would not let me have it, so I took him from the store and showed up at Nick’s baseball practice with it to show to Julien. I was sure he wouldn’t refuse me in front of an audience of baseball spectators. His concern was “where is this rabbit going to live” and I thought I convinced him that a recycling bin would do just fine. Well, he did come home with a cage for Tulip (not for me) and the bunny has been doing great, but she is the biggest rabbit I’ve ever seen. Fm not sure if she is mixed with part dog or part dinosaur!

Now, about my dogs! We now have Gypsy, a female German Shepherd we were raising for The Seeing Eye that failed the program. We adopted her in February, and in April we started to raise another puppy whose name is Carol. Carol is now nine months old (also a female German Shepherd). The first dog we raised, Doreen, did beautifully in her training and is now a Guide Dog for an 18 year old girl who is a freshman in college down in Virginia. They are studying music together. We miss her terribly but are very proud of what she has accomplished. Now, here some the clincher! All I wanted for Christmas this year was a new puppy (to own) and the other day we adopted little “Nebraska”, an 8-week old shepherd/boxer mix. He is a little doll, but puts us up to now having 3 dogs which Julien says is the absolute limit or the divorce papers are in the mail! I’m not sure how he allowed me to have 3 dogs. It must be all that charm I ooze!
i’m still working at the Warwick Valley Middle School but am now in the Media Center (library). Part time is plenty as I’m so involved in The Seeing Eye program and running constantly with the kids. I’ve gone for special leadership training and if I could would raise 100 dogs. It’s so much fun and so rewarding!
Well, over and out for now. God bless you and yours this wonderful Christmas season. Wish we could all be together - you’re all missed and loved.

All my love and kisses... Pam

P.S. For those of you who didn’t know, I had two nephews born this year. Julien’s sister has a k new son named Joseph, and my brother, Ed, has a new baby named Eddie

Christmas Letter: 1995

Dearest Friends and Family (both near and far),

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Our life this past year has been crazy and hectic which is why I’ve finally graduated to this generic-type letter. I love you all and want to tell you so much, so please don’t mind that I had to jot it down this way so I could share it all.

Summer was HOT, but fun! Stephanie and Nick both did swimming lessons in town all summer and Nick became a terrific swimmer. He now lives in the 10’ end of the pool and is sure he’ll be in the Olympics someday. We did lots of day trips (the Renaissance Festival, the Drive—In, the beach) and we even dragged my morn and sister to the Great Adventure Amusement Park. We haven’t yet decided, though, if the highlight of the day was when they had to stop the Big Wheel (ferris wheel) to let me off because I was crying (what a great example I set for my kids), or when my mom got drenched at one of the water shows (the rest of us stayed perfectly dry - although Julien says he got wet too)! We didn’t really pay attention to him — we were too busy drying off my mom.

Our fall has been full of activities too! I’ve gone back to college (part time) to finish my degree and go on for a masters of arts in teaching. Boy is it tough to do homework again — but I love getting out of the house all by myself and using those dead brain cells again. I work part time in the Warwick Middle School as an Instructional Teacher’s Aide and have decided that when I teach it will be with adults (middle school kids have too many hormones flying around). Nick has just finished playing soccer after a full spring of baseball games. Chris ran Cross-Country for the Warwick Middle School — The Purple Waves and the high school team just won the New York State Championship. Stephanie and Nick both swim on Friday nights and Stephanie will be going for her level 5 Red Cross Swimming Course in February. The kids keep me running, and with two now in the middle school the homework is hard and long.

Now, about my dogs! Yes, I now have two German Shepherd/Seeing—Eye Dogs (Doreen and Gypsy). I’m a crazy woman — but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. They are my “kids with fur” and require more time and attention than all of my three kids combined. Our club is called “Pals with Paws” and I am the secretary. We meet every other Friday night to train the dogs, but spend more of the time laughing at the 15 dogs trying to get along. We’ve marched with the dogs in a parade, took them into town for an ice cream outing, have done demonstrations of them training for various organizations, and basically can take them anywhere we want to go. Doreen is due to be picked up by The Seeing Eye any day, and unless she fails the program we will not get to see her again. My box of tissues is already out and waiting.

Julien’s job is doing great and it requires him to travel some. He travels mostly to New Hampshire and Massachusetts, and enjoys every minute of it. Maybe it’s that he likes getting away from those dogs! (NO, not really — he loves them as much as me). It gets kinda hard at night, though, trying to sleep with two huge dogs trying to share the bed with us!Well, over and out for this year. I wish you all a blessed holiday and a wonderful new year in 1996. I miss you all very much.

*Note: I used Courier for this entry because mommy actually typed it on a typewriter...

A Beautiful Life

Pammie's very close friend, Karen Hamm, sent this lovely email to Jul and I today. I asked her if I could put it on the blog and share with everyone.

Subject: a beautiful life.....

Date: Thursday, November 19, 2009 11:17 AM

Dear Julien and Eileen,
It was so good to see all of you and enjoy time with your family on Sunday.

This morning, even as I write this, it seems surreal. How could it be a year.....a year without our precious Pammie?? Time marches on, though, and often feels cruel. I'm sure we are all reliving this day.. the grief and deep loss we felt as we released Pam into the arms of Jesus.
So, I decided that I would spend quiet time this morning with Pam in my heart and thoughts. This is a little sampling of what came to me as I sat in my rocking chair..laughing and crying, crying and laughing again.
I remembered the early days, days that Pam and I would spend playing outside. Our favorite thing to do in the summer was to meet shortly after breakfast, blanket in one hand, Barbie case in the other. We would lay out our blankets and then unsnap our cases and all the our Barbie dolls and ALL of their clothes and accessories would spill out onto the blankets that we'd carefully laid out. Then the fun began....trying on all their different clothes and fixing their hair in new styles. I was always challenged when it came time for this...so, Pam would patiently help me. She always knew how to get Barbie's hair to look cool. Then she'd help me dress our dolls, she was always done first and I would struggle just getting Barbie's arms in and out of the sleeves. Pam had a way to make me feel that she was having just as much fun as I was...even though she did most of the work. She always made me feel like the little sister who she truly delighted in. This is one of my happiest childhood memories.
Then came our teen years. We had big hair and loved to go out and buy clothes. Pam worked in Shoprite. I still didn't have a job...I was still too young to get a job. Pam got her driver's license first...she always did everything first....like she paved the way for my journey and taught me what to expect from life. I remember when she was driving on Route 6...just she and I alone in the car, and it began to rain, in sheets. We couldn't see 1 foot in front of us...and then it happened!! Pam turned on the windshield wipers on ultra fast speed...only to have the windshield wipers malfunction. To our shock the wipers changed directions and started operating off the side of the car....so they were wiping the air instead of the windshield!!. We screamed and burst into laughter, all at the same time. Picture Pammie rolling, yes rolling down the window, trying to grab the wipers and put them back on the windshield....all while she's driving and can't see in front of her. I decided to try and help and I rolled my window down and tried to redirect the wipers too. Rain was coming in the car in record speed. Needless to say, there was so much screaming we couldn't hear each other, except for the occasional....Kar, I can't see.....Oh my God, we're going to crash!! God smiled down on us and the rain mysteriously stopped. We laughed about that for years.....
Our favorite story......My mother had to go to a Christmas dinner for the ladies at church and she was slammed for time. So, Pam and I volunteered to help. She asked us if we could make the jello mold while she ran some errands. We anxiously agreed. Here we are in my kitchen, making a red and green jello mold for this dinner in the Christmas spirit. The jello was made and put in the frig....my mother comes home...Pam and I are listening to music in the living room....and my mother gasps. She took the mold off the jello to reveal BROWN jello. Obviously we didn't let the jello cool long enough and the red and green jello merged together to make this hideous brown jello....we held our breath and then exploded in laughter. My mom laughed too!! We have NEVER forgotten the brown Christmas jello mold.
Then came the introduction to Julien at youth group....and you know what happened next. A beautiful family was formed. I remember Pam telling me all about how different dating and marriage was..again, preparing me for my future. Then the children came and all the miscarriages in between. I remember being with Pam during one of her miscarriages. We both cried til we had no more tears. Fast forward to Stephanie's surgery....the days preceding this are days that are forever etched in my mind. Pam and I talked and talked and cried and cried. God worked a miracle, one that neither of us would ever forget that Sunday morning. I can remember that morning like yesterday when Steph had her surgery. I don't think I had ever prayed so hard for anything or anyone in my whole life.
As my mind reeled forward to hearing about Pam's cancer diagnosis from Stephanie and the sadness of what today represents, I thought....NO, this is NOT what Pam would want me to focus on. I can't change the pain and emptiness that is in my heart after losing my dear sister and friend, but I can change what path I will go down today. I am choosing to remember her endurance....she endured so many things in the years I knew her. But the manner in which she endured _always_ inspired me. Inspired me to keep going no matter what, inspired me to see the glass half full, inspired me to really love the people in my life. Pam had a lightness of heart that always prevailed....no matter what was happening. She had a joy that was contagious.
Pam really was my hero, someone that was bigger than life to me.
There's so much more I could say...let me end with a God Story. This year on my birthday, July 22, I was missing Pam so much. I was sitting on my deck crying because I wouldn't hear her sing to me, I wouldn't hear her say.... "I love you Kiddo", wouldn't get her "cat" birthday card, and I asked the Lord to PLEASE, PLEASE bring her close to me...let me know that Pammie was ok. I let this sadness settle in, and then I just released the wish. The following day, my friend Sandy, called and said she was sorry but couldn't get me my birthday present until today...her daughter would bring it to my office. I didn't open it until I got home that night....when I opened it I literally dropped the bag to the floor. It was a fleece blanket that was tied together at the ends, just like the ones Pammie was making in her last days for the children with Eileen. When Pam told me about these blankets she said, "Kar, even _you _could do this!!" I told her maybe someday I would, but wanted her to help me. She let out a faint laugh...she knew she wouldn't be able to help me with this...she knew she was getting so very tired. But, here on this hot July day, the Lord brought Pammie to me....to tell me she's ok.....I've kept the blanket tucked away until this morning. I took it out of the bag today, for the first time since opening it this summer, and I cried as I wrapped the blanket around my body as I sat in the rocking chair. I sat under the blanket for over an hour....being with Pammie, being warmed by her love and her spirit that will forever live inside of me.
I love you Pammie, Pamela Jean, "P.J", my dear friend and sister......
I pray you are all feeling Pam's love today.....Although she is in the loving arms of our Savior, she will always be in our hearts and our lives.

With love,Karen
--

Good Night Moon...

Much like I did with my secret stash of words I had prepared for mom's eulogy... these were the things that enter into my head before the night's sleep of a day like this....here is how a perfect morning or night would have gone on any number of ways...


-How you used to so sweetly wake us up in the morning to tell us there was a snow day.... only to have the house wake up in an explosion of excitement

-The Suisse Mocha you made before work. You let me have twice as much as you, even though you had a real job.

-Mickey Mouse pancakes made whatever day it was, possibly the best day ever.

-Just my Pooh blanket is all I still need to feel you help me drift to sleep.

-How you'd wake me up off the couch to ask if you could help make me more comfortable by taking me to my bed.

-The way you used to look in the morning; tired, tired, and happy. You were always happy to have 3 little smiles in the morning.

-How you used to check to see if I was asleep, far after you were even in bed.

-The way you used to scratch my back in the morning or at night.

Because the though of being able to say goodnight to you once more is my dream.

What is Loss?

The following is a passage from a book called "The Empty Room" by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn. Eileen gave me this book about a year ago, and I think of this every day...

Before the loss of our sibling, we think of ourselves and our siblings from the vantage point of one solid block of 'I,' an already baked cake. The ingredients cannot be neatly separated out after the fact, or identified when the cake is iced, sliced, and served on a plate. The ingredients become something else, something irreducible. You cannot see the flour, the eggs, the baking soda.

We begin with the story of the loss, then, because it is the shock of the impossible---the rude stripping of one ingredient from the 'I.' The loss is the 'before and after' marker, indicating the moment at which we are forever launched---often without understanding it---into an uncertain state in which we are continuously checking our psychic pockets for something we've lost.

This quote just speaks to me. It's exactly how I feel about the loss of Pam from my life. Yes, I am still checking my "psychic pockets" for something...still thinking that I'll call her to tell her a story about one of the kids or ask her for advice. The wonderful thing is that I have so many vivid memories, that I can hear her laugh at my story, and I know that she would tell me to "do the right thing." I am learning to embrace the years I had with her, and try not to "unbake" the cake.

One Year Ago

Yesterday, we went to St.Mary's church where the 11:00 Mass was celebrated in memory of Pam. Peg,Ed, Eddie, Jul, Steph, Chris, Nikki, Nick, Kerri,Karen Ham and me. Peg had beautiful flowers on the altar and picked out some lovely songs - I am the Bread of Life and How Great Thou Art. I cried through most of the songs. Rev Clair, who is such an amazing and uplifting speaker, gave a thoughtful, touching, perfect sermon. Life is difficult, there is a lot of pain and sorrow, the most important thing is Love, God has a place for us after all the turmoil. I am holding on tightly to my faith that the next life is the better one.

Pammie went to the better place one year ago this week. I know she is at peace. The problem is those of us left behind, who miss her terribly. I know that time heals, but one year has not healed my sadness. The empty space is too big. When I think about an entire year passing without Pam, I actually cannot believe it has been that long.

I will go to the cemetary this week to leave some colorful flowers to mark the day and remember a wonderful mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.

We miss you Pammie

Love,
Aunt Eileen

Clothes

Two weeks ago, Steph left 4 bags of Pam's clothes for me to give to the Thrift Shop. I am sure Pam would have liked that. After Steph left, I felt overwhelmed that I had Pam's stuff in my garage and did not want to go through the bags. It made me sad that this was some of the last things of Pam's that were left. Every time I passed the bags, I was sad. Even Spike would stop and smell them, as if he knew there was important stuff there.
Today, I decided to start sorting. I wanted to go through the stuff at my house before I saw it all at the shop, as I knew there would be lots of crying. As I went through the bags, I was remembering Pam at all different times. There were shorts and tee shirts for summer, Fleeces and turtle necks for winter, khaki pants for anytime and floral skirts for spring. I will say, the tears were flowing, but as I found her bright orange Halloween sweater with the pumpkins on it and her Christmas vest and her fleece with the penguins on it and her tee shirt that said "Love" on the front- I started to smile. Pam was always into the celebration, in her spirit and her clothes. I pictured her at school on Halloween giving out candy to the kids with her orange sweater on. I pictured her on Christmas Eve at her house, soooo happy to be surrounded by her family. I see her in Michigan in her penquin fleece.
The "Love" tee shirt was my favorite. It's beatiful, it's simple and it says it all.
I will bring the clothes on Thursday to the shop and Pam's stuff will live a new life. I hope her spirit goes on with them.

Seeing Eye Dogs

I am down on Long Island this weekend because I have an interview for a maternity leave teaching position at Eastchester High School. I took Amtrak down from Buffalo. At the Amtrak station, yesterday there was a blind woman with a seeing eye dog. The seeing eye dog was a black lab. This would remind anyone of Pam. Something tells me that if she were there she would have chatted up a storm with the woman and her dog as well.

Fashion Show

At the Thift Shop, where I volunteer, we have been planning this year's Fashion Show. Today, we decided to watch a video tape of the 2007 Fashion Show so we could show a new volunteer what the show is about. When the tape started, they panned the audience and there was Auntie Pammie! Looking happy to be there and of course smiling. She had just had brain surgery about a month before the show, but she was determined to come. Eddie was in the show as "Eddie Potter" (Harry's cousin). It made me happy to see her and be reminded what a fighter she was. This was the Fashion Show that Pammie won a children's book basket. She was so excited to give it to Emma. That was quite a thrill!
We went back to my house and had rootbeer floats. A wonderful evening!

This Fall

It is officially Fall. I have been thinking a lot about Pam in recent days. Last Fall was when Pammie told us that her cancer had spread and that there were to be no more chemo treatments. I don't remember the leaves changing last year, We didn't go to Eddie's parent teacher conferences and really all I can think that I did was worry about Pammie and cry.
The Fall days last year passed by in between visits to Pam. I went up about once a week .I would have gone more often, but Pam said I must have better things to do with my time. I told her that nothing was better than spending time with her and I told her I was going to miss her so much. I told her that I loved her and that the trips that we took to Michigan were some of the funnest times that I ever had.
I am feeling anxious about the approach of the first anniversary of Pammie's passing. I am being reminded of the horrific struggle that she had and how amazingly she handled it. I want to remember the full of life Pam, not the Pam on her way to leaving us. I am hoping that after Nov 19, the happy Pammie thoughts will come back.

Love you and miss you Pammie!

Auntie Eileen

Science Sisters

Pam loved to talk about science. In all of the different teacher's aide's positions she had, she just thrived whenever they asked her to help with science. She was constantly asking me questions about wildlife and ecology...quite often well outside my realm of expertise. One time she asked me about birds on a wire. Why, she wanted to know, did birds always sit in the same direction? She would see these huge flocks of birds sitting up there near her house, and they were always facing one way.

We talked about it for a while, and decided that maybe it had something to do with the wind, or the fact that they were flying in the same direction when they all landed. Since I wasn't sure of the real answer, I told her about something that I did know. I explained Occam's Razor...simply stated, the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. I told her the classic, "if you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras." Pam loved it. She asked why she hadn't heard of it before. Over the course of other conversations, she would bring up Occam's Razor anytime we had a problem we couldn't figure out...although I don't think she ever got the pronunciation right.

She was a born teacher, as I'm sure all of her students experienced. And she was a born learner, ready and open for all ideas that came her way from others. She looked to me as an expert, and I loved her for that.

The thoughtful Auntie Pammie

Eddie and I have been on a massive house cleaning in the last 2 weeks. Eddie's room was particularly in need. We went through books from kindergarden to 7th grade. We found a number of books that Pam had given Eddie, that were signed by the author. She went to bookfairs and author talks at her school and always thought about Eddie when she thought the book would interest him. Needless to say, the books are staying.
I just found today a Cablevision tote bag that Pammie had written Eddie's name on, in her original style. The bag contained markers, a color paper memo pad, a glow sketch, mad libs book, old maid cards, a book called "Help, I'm Bored", a 3D paint set, a green match box car, 2 plastic sharks, a diver and a plastic eel. I'm guessing she put this together for Eddie for one of our car trips to Michigan. She wanted to make sure that Eddie never lacked for something to do! How thoughtful of her to worry about Eddie and get all this stuff for him. She had stuff for him on every trip we took. One time, when we were flying to Michigan (I think it was Labor Day weekend), one of the activities that Pammie packed was an etching set, complete with a very sharp etching tool. I have no idea how that got past security! This stuff has made me happy and sad today. She was so wonderful and a great Auntie!

The Family visit to Maine

In July, Jul, Steph, Chris, Nikki, Meg, Mike, Emma and baby Michael came to Maine for a visit with me and Ed and Eddie. It was wonderful to have them come. Next year I hope Nick and Kerri can join us. I hope this will be a yearly event. The group kayaked (led by Jul), tubed, wakeboarded (led by Steph), and rode the Jet Skis. Emma and Michael loved being taken for rides on the Jet Skis and Mike seemed to enjoy it too! We had family dinners prepared by Nikki and Meg with help from Steph. We did a great jigsaw puzzle on the history of rock and roll (1000 piece puzzle done in 2 days!) We played Bingo. We spent quality time together as a family.
As it will always be when our family gathers, we felt the missing piece of our family, Pammie. I thought about her when we were doing crafts with Emma (felt whales). I thought about her alot when I was shopping for the weekend because she would have so enjoyed preparing and getting things together. As I sat watching the tubing and wakeboarding and kayaking, I was wishing that Pam was sitting next to me, because she loved to watch her kids have fun.
I especially missed her when we were sitting around the fire pit and Meg and Emma were singing the song " a boy and a girl and a little canoe....". I could hear Pam's voice in my head singing that song (maybe she was singing along)! Singing was Pam's specialty, and whenever Meg was around, they were always singing their old girl scout songs. Pam would have cried that Emma, at 3/12, alreadly knows these songs.
I am thankful that our family can get together and have fun and laugh. And I am also thankful that I always feel Pam's spirit with us, whenever we get together.

Love,

Aunt Eileen

Baby Love

When Emma was about 8 months old, the NY clan came out to Michigan for a visit. Instead of staying in a hotel, Pam stayed in the guest bedroom (we called it the Bed and Breakfast) so she could spend the mornings and evenings with us. In retrospect, I should have briefed her on the night-time rituals, but I was pretty sure that she would not wake up to Emma's cries. After all, she managed to sleep through doggies barking and jumping on the bed every day at home!

So when Emma started screaming shortly after midnight, I laid in bed for awhile, waiting her out...that was the plan. I would go in every few minutes to reassure her but I would not pick her up. We were trying desperately to get her to comfort herself, to fall back to sleep without needing us. But when Emma's cries stopped abruptly without any help from me, I was worried. I got out of bed and went quietly to her room. There I found my sister, holding Emma and bouncing her gently.

I think I said something like, "Uh! Why did you pick her up?" "She was reaching for me," Pam said. "She was saying, up, up." I remember that the next day, Pam apologized for messing up our plan. But I guess I hope that maybe somewhere in Emma's little head she has a memory of Angel Pammie coming to rescue her when she was sad. She did that for so many of us, didn't she?

Remember the time...

A few weeks ago, I was talking to some friends about the types of stories that become family legend...you know, the ones that people drag up every once in a while at a holiday gathering, and everyone nods and laughs? Well, I know I missed the fourth by a few days, but this one just popped into my mind this morning...

We used to spend every July 4th with the Oswalds, or dear next door neighbors. There was usually a picnic with shish-ke-bob, coleslaw, games, and sparklers. One year, after Pam was married and Chris was a baby, there was quite a large crowd in the Oswald's back yard. Dad and Mr. O had gotten their hands on some bottle rockets, and were getting kind of rowdy (I don't remember exactly, but I'm sure there were either Heinekens or Shaffers involved). They decided that the best way to stay "safe" was to shoot of the bottle rockets from bottles they were HOLDING IN THEIR HANDS. I guess the premise was that they could make sure the rocket was pointed in the right direction.

So, I'm not sure what went wrong, but one of the rockets took a funny turn and came back towards the buffet table. Everyone dove for cover, and the rocket landed safely in the middle of Pam's pudding cake...and exploded! Vanilla pudding flew everywhere, including onto baby Chris, who was in a playpen a few feet away. I can't remember who was laughing and who was crying, but I do know that the fathers got scolded and the cake was thrown away.

I'd like to think that Dad, Pam and Mr. O were all together this 4th of July, carrying on the tradition...good times, family and friends, and love of life.

A Happy Place

On Christmas Eve, my brother got word that his offer on a Maine vacation property was accepted. And this is no ordinary property. It's a cabin on Beech Hill Pond, built by my Uncle Ed many years ago. Our family spent quite a bit of time there in the 1970s, swimming, fishing, blueberry picking, and sleeping in the bunk house.

In 1998, I took a trip back there with "The D'An Clan", and one of their dogs, Atlas. The place hadn't changed much, but it did have a TV and a ceiling on the bathroom! I slept with the kids up in the loft, and Pam and Julien slept in the master bedroom. We had a fantastic week...an early morning kayak ride with Steve, Steph, and Lily was one of the high points for me. The photo below, I think, shows one of the high points for Pam. She was never one to kick a dog off the bed, and Atlas sure knew that she was a sucker for a furry face. I never knew my sister to just laze around in the morning...she usually started vacuuming or doing laundry before the sun came up. But here is a moment of pure bliss...
I hope we can achieve some of that level of happiness when we visit the place in a few weeks. It will be hard without Pammie, but we'll try.

Nick and Kerry's Wedding

I know that I am very late in blogging about this, but I could not let this occasion go by with saying what a wonderful day it was. Pammie's baby boy got married! Nick and Kerry looked handsome and beautiful. The hall and food were great. The memorial candle for Pammie was sad but lovely.
I kept thinking during the wedding how much Pammie would have loved it. I remember her talking about the red dresses the bridesmaids would wear and how the flowers were going to match them. I remember looking through bridal magazines with Pam and talking about styles and colors for her own dress. I remember how happy she was when Nick asked Eddie to be a part of the wedding party. I missed her from beginning to end. My heart ached to see Julien alone at this happy event. I also kept thinking that this was the last family event that Pam would help plan.
When the DJ said that Pam had called, it was a little jarring, but to see that floor fill up with people to dance the Chicken dance in her honor was overwhelming and very emotional for me. The Chicken dance is such a happy, fun and cheerful dance. Just like Pam to love it!
Seeing Nick and Steph dance together was also very emotional, but lovely. They knew that Pam would like the dance to go on and her kids did it, even though it was clearly very difficult for them . Pam was very much a part of this special day!

God Bless Nick and Kerry!

Love,
Auntie Eileen

Pam's Linen Closet

Two month's ago, Steph gave me a box of stuff that had been cleaned out of Pam's linen closet. Since we had just bought the cabin in Maine, Steph thought maybe we could use some of the stuff. A couple of days ago, I went through the box. I needed to determine how may sheets I need to buy for our 13 (!) beds in Maine. The box contained mostly bottom sheets, a pretty yellow table cloth and a plastic shower curtain with an outdoor theme(think woods and bears). You could clearly tell the sheets that were Chris and Nick's. Blue/green stripes.Very boyish. The other ones were bright yellow, blue floral, a rose pattern, bright green plaid etc. Very colorful. I called Steph to ask why there were no top sheets and she said that they did not use top sheets. She said Pam bought whatever color sheets she could find and I'm sure what ever color appealed to her that day.
I started thinking about when I was kid and our top and bottom sheets never matched and they were also very colorful. My mother, religiously, changed the sheets in our house every week. The bottom sheet was washed and the top sheet became the bottom sheet and you got a new pillow case. As my mother had 4 kids, she didn't care if anything matched and it never did. It wasn't until I started going to friends houses did I realize that sheets came in sets and they were supposed to match. So now, with my a anal personality, I use only same color sheets, so everything will always match! I need to lighten up!

Any way, I am bringing most of the Pammie sheets up to Maine. I plan to use the bear shower curtain in the bathroom and the yellow table cloth will definitely find a nice home. It is like bringing some "Pammieness" to the cabin.

Aunt Eileen

Hope

We went out to the Relay for Life at the middle school here in Okemos on Saturday. We did not start a team as I had been planning, because I just couldn't fathom the "hopeful" spirit that one needs to raise funds. I do support the American Cancer Society's philosophy...after all, if you don't have hope then why bother. But we had hoped for so much more. Seven months? Please. Couldn't we even get a year? A Christmas? Another birthday, maybe?

We did want to donate to the cause, though, so we brought some money with the intention of supporting some teams by eating chocolate. We told Emma it was going to be like a party, and it sort of was! There was a clown making balloon animals (better than I can, sorry to say), a few bake sales, some games, and kids crafts. Emma made some sand art in a Coke bottle, won some candy at a basketball toss, lost the candy while we were walking around, and had a tantrum. While she was rolling around on the ground, I bought a luminary for Pam, then we went home for a nap.

That evening I went back for the luminary ceremony. It was very emotional for me...I remember at last year's relay in Grand Ledge, all I could think about was whether Pam would be around this year.During the silent lap, they had a bagpipe playing...at the end of the lap he started Amazing Grace. I'm sure there were other people crying, but it was dark...I pretended I was walking with Pam for a moment, and I tried to summon up some hope. There were a few survivors walking, after all, and they certainly need it.

What a Turkey!

I cannot remember exactly why, but I did not want the Chicken Dance played at my wedding. We skipped a lot of the traditions like tossing the bouquet and the garter, and smushing cake (and/or wedding danishes) in each other's faces. But why skip the Chicken Dance? I mean, it's fun, right?

Pam used to sing some version of it, I don't even know if there are real lyrics...it went, "I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a chicken. I'd rather be a duck, quack, quack, quack, quack." We had danced it together MANY times before. She desperately wanted me to play it, and maybe that's why I didn't want to...I was on a real power trip then, declaring this and that about the menu and the guest list and the invitations. A true Bridezilla. I made the DJ promise not to play it, and Pam was so upset that she called me out in her Christmas letter! I can't remember the exact words she used (I'll find that letter one of these days) but she said something like, "My mean sister won't even let me dance the Chicken Dance at her wedding."

When push came to shove, the DJ caved. I don't know what Pam said to him, but he played that song for her after all, even though I was paying him NOT to! When they played it again last weekend at Nick's wedding, dedicated to Pam and with everyone missing her, I wished I hadn't been so stupid about it. Really, she asked so little from me, why was I so stubborn? I acted like such a little brat, trying to declare my independence from my big sister. From now on, every time I hear that music, I will flap my arms and quack for Pam, and hope she is dancing with me.

Sibling Rivalry

I just finished reading a book about brothers and sisters. On the last page, there was a quote from another writer about how she looked up to her big sister. It said something like, "If she said to eat the fish food, I ate the fish food. I would do anything she told me because I loved her so much." I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point. Siblings do that, don't they? They take advantage of their position to tease, to make them feel superior.

Pam was 12 years older than me, so I wouldn't say that we had any form of rivalry. She just thought I was the cutest little thing, and that the sun rose and set over me. So the things she asked me to do were not cruel, they were not mean. They were just meant to accentuate my, well, my cuteness.

I remember her always asking me to sing for her friends and the neighbors..."Fried Ham" and "The Little Green Frog" were some of her favorites. Then there was this other thing she always made me do. She would ask me to pose with one finger on my head (like a ballerina), one finger on my nose, and stand on one foot. Somewhere there is a picture of me doing this, with a crazy blond wig on my head. Sometimes she would tell me to hop up and down. We would always fall apart in laughter...I don't know why it was so funny, but it was.

It's a good thing that Pam never told me to eat fish food, because I would have done it. I loved her that much.

For better and worse, I have a very active dream life. Lots of details, in color, almost every night for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I even have great ideas or solve things that have been bothering me during the day. I've even had a few dreams about Pam since she passed away, but none as wonderful as I had early this morning.

I was on my way to meet some friends to carpool to a party...we were leaving some kind of conference center or something, out in the woods. Crossing a field to get to my car, I had the urge to turn around, and there was Pam standing right behind me. She looked great. She was in a green fleece shirt, she had on her glasses, and her hair looked beautiful. :) I grabbed her by the arm to see if she was real, and I could feel her. I told her that I loved her and missed her, and she told me the same. I said, "I wish you could stay." Then, I thought she said "I don't want to stay..." but when I asked she said, "No, I do! I wish I could stay." But I knew she wouldn't be able to.

Then we started walking and I realized that the field was full of purple and white striped crocuses, like the ones we have in our yard right now. I said to her, "I call these 'Pammie flowers.'" I have no idea why I said that, but she laughed! I kept telling her how much I loved her, and she said, "You are capable of incredible love." Then I did something I really regret (as much as you can regret actions in a dream). I told her I had to go because my friends were waiting for me. She said that was fine. The thing is, at the time, I didn't have any doubt that I would see her again.

So I turned and walked away, and I didn't look back. When I woke up a few minutes later, I felt like I had just been with her...I could still hear her voice and feel her arm in my hand. Over the course of the day the feeling has faded a bit, so I do hope that we meet again soon.

I have a Daisy in my house

As Steph mentioned in her blog, we recently adopted a kitten and named her Daisy. (Guess why we named her Daisy?) We wanted to remember and honor Pammie on her birthday. We thought of how she loved animals and so what better tribute, than to take in a homeless kitten. Daisy was 3 months old on March 19. She is black with white markings and her white paws make her look like she is wearing high white socks. We have had Daisy in our house for 2 weeks, and I think we may have gotten the kitty version of Brie (Pammie's very lively Golden Retriever). Just now, we were sitting watching TV and I thought I heard meowing. A search of the house found Daisy locked in the spice cabinet, sitting on the revolving shelf. Earlier today, I found her in the trash can next to our computer, frolicking in the paper. Everytime we attempt to do work on the computer, Daisy comes and sits on the keyboard and tries to follow the cursor with her paw (it's really hard to get any work done with a kitty on your keyboard). When we are eating, Daisy has to be locked in the Laundry room because she cannot be deterred from climbing on the table and walking on our plates! She loves to run around the house at full speed, chasing I don't know what. Her lively spirit so reminds me of Pammie. I think Pammie had a hand in making sure that Daisy came to our house. Daisy makes us smile and laugh. And I know that just as Pammie loved her Briejette, we will love our Daisy, no matter what she gets into next!

Geo-nuts

On a few of our trips home, Mike and I brought Pam out for some geocaching near her house. There is a lot of public land in and around Pine Island, including segments of the Appalachian Trail. I thought she really liked it, searching around the woods for hidden treasure. She was definitely a good sport...on one hunt she followed Mike WAY off trail, over a precarious rocky ridge, while I waited back on the trail in case of emergency. I have to admit, I was nervous. Mike had Emma on his back and Pam was none to steady on those rocks! But I could hear her excitement when they found the box, and she insisted that she was up for another cache on the way home.

As we approached the coordinates in the car, it became apparent that the cache was hidden in a rock wall along the left side of the road. Pam and I got out to look, but she seemed pretty nervous as I started reaching in between the rocks. I asked her what was wrong, and she admitted that geocaching was really not a good sport for her. She did enjoy the walking in the woods, but she was afraid that there would be something bad hidden in the box. "Like a bomb, or something." I started laughing at her, telling her she was crazy. Who would do that? Then out of nowhere a jogger came up behind us and said, "Hey." We both just about jumped out of our skins! I'm sure he thought we were quite nuts, poking around in a rock wall and screaming in fear of him. But then, the Clarks are used to this...being considered nuts, I mean. :)

Daisy McCrazy.

As illustrated by the title of this blog, mom loved the song "I Have a Daisy on my Toe," and rarely had a hard time finding a reason to sing it. This past week has been somewhat of a Daisy invasion. Whether it's because I'm just looking harder, or they're actually being placed for me to find, I'm not sure. I will take what I can get.

Sighting 1: In Michigan this weekend, our craft for the day was making magnets out of clay. One of the options was a pretty little daisy, which I told Emma were Aunt Pammie's favorite. After the process of cutting it , shaping it, and drying it out in the stove, I forgot it was supposed to be a daisy, and painted it like a sun. Uhhh, woops? It still counts.

Sighting 2: Aunt Eileen got a new kitty this week (sorry to spoil the surprise, but, it's necessary for the validity of this post) and named it Daisy for mommy. Needless to say, mommy would have sang this song endlessly to this little kitten, that kitty probably wouldn't answer to anything but the entire length of the song. Sung, not spoken.

Sighting 3: Best one yet. My friend Rose tore me this picture out a magazine. See for yourself.

Pammie's 51st Birthday

Today is Pam's 51st birthday. I started my day at 8:00 Mass at Holy Name of Mary. The service started with "Here I Am Lord", one of my favorites and it was sung at my friend Carol's funeral. So I started the day off crying about how much I miss Pammie and Carol.
The sermon started out about St.Joseph (it is his feast day today) and what a simple, amazing person he was. The priest then read a letter from a 15yr old boy whose father had just died.
In the letter, the boy talks about his father in a way that every parent would love to have their child speak about them. He said he knew his father loved him, he loved doing simple, regular things and his family was the center of his life. The boy even mentioned how his father liked to play with his dogs. That whole sermon and letter could have been about Pam. When I read Steph's blog about 51 reasons for missing her mom, I was taken by how the things she misses most are the simplest things. Saying "I love you", "You are pretty", making your favorite food to cheer you up. I hope I can remember to focus on the important "little" things every day. I hope that my memories of Pammie will always go back to how amazing she was. How she didn't even know it, but she was the heart of our family just by being herself. Being herself was what she did best.
So now it is 10:00 at night and I am ending my day, as I started it, crying as I think about how much I miss Auntie Pammie. Happy Birthday Pammie.

Love,
Auntie Eileen

Fifty Cents

Today I spent the morning shopping at local thrift stores, looking for treasures and trying to pass the time. When Pam would hear that I was going garage saling, she would sometimes tell me to buy her something for 50 cents. Not a dollar, that was too much...just 50 cents. Once I found her a clip-on lipstick mirror, and you would have thought I had given her a million dollars. So I figured I would keep my eye out for a little statue or a dog, or anything that I could find on the tchachki shelf to buy for her birthday.

After about an hour at the first store, I had nothing. No clothes for the kids, no funky plates, no quirky mugs. And nothing that called out Pam's name. I crossed the street to Volunteers of America and started over....but to my dismay I made it through the huge warehouse in record time, with a few clothes but no 50 cent gem. As I approached the last corner, I noticed that someone had turned up the music...the tune was familiar. After a few beats I was singing along..."I wanna soak up the sun, wanna tell everyone to lighten up!" For real! Pam was OBSESSED with this song the first time we went to SeaPointe. It had serious significance! She played it dozens of times as we scrolled through the beach pictures. When it ended, she would jump up and say "Wait! Wait! Let me start it over. Wait! I got it, I got it!"

When I realized what I was singing, I stopped in my tracks and looked over to the nearest shelf. I expected that I would see the one thing I was meant to buy. There were some blue plastic cars, an astronomy set, and two little dolls wrapped in plastic. There was a giant Barbie head with hair you could style, maybe that was it? It didn't seem right, though, so I moved on to the kids clothes and just kept singing.

After finding a few shirts for Michael, I had to walk back past the shelf, so I took a second look. All the same stuff, except for this time I noticed a little angel in a bin. A really weird looking angel. Yes, Pammie loved angels, but I was not convinced. I turned her over to read the back of the package, nothing there. Just as I was about to put her down and leave, I noticed it. My significance...
She lives with me now. And by the way, she cost 30 cents plus tax.

51 Things On Your 51st.

In celebration of mommy’s 51st birthday, I decided to compile a list of reasons I miss her. For those who were there for the funeral, you will recognize the method from my eulogy. This is a practice I started when mommy first became sick, as I never had a difficult time telling her I loved her, but could never seem to muster up the strength to tell her that I’d miss her. Here’s to you mommy. 51 reasons I miss you. One for each year of your life, and an extra for the year that you should still be here.

1. How you would beg, literally beg, to do my ironing.

2. Seeing what kind of groceries you’d bought for me to eat, each time I came home to visit.

3. The dressing room at Kohls. I’d never model the ugly stuff, but more often than not, I bought what you thought made me look “pretty.”

4. How you’d push me out of the way if you saw me doing my own ironing.

5. How you’d let me borrow anything of yours, even if you hadn’t worn it yet.

6. The way you would redecorate my night stand each time I came home.

7. How you’d let me pick which Yankee candle to light in the kitchen.

8. Watching you grill just about everything in the rain.

9. How you used to stop and get me French Onion soup at the luncheonette down the road.

10. When you hem my pants.

11. How you faced every situation with a smile.

12. How you’d screech to a stop at yellow lights.

13. How you would make me macaroni and tuna fish salad whenever I needed cheering up.

14. How I’d resist almost every book recommendation you ever gave me, and ended up loving each one.

15. Going to Panera for soup and salad after shopping.

16. How you’d lend me your new books before you even read them.

17. Stopping for buttered rolls on the way to a big shopping trip.

18. Christmas shopping at Woodbury Commons.

19. How you’d get excited whenever you knew the answer to one of my crosswords.

20. Napping to the Food Network together.

21. Planning our trips to visit all the places we’d seen on Diners, Drive ins, and Dives.

22. Hearing you sing “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” to Carol.

23. Mikey Mouse pancakes.

24. How we barely ever went more than 3 or 4 days without talking.

25. How we could be at the world’s greatest restaurant, and you’d still fill up on a baked potato.

26. Listening to the Hanson Christmas CD on our first shopping trip of the winter.

27. How you folded my tshirts so perfectly, that I was able to fit all of them in my drawer.

28. How you used to call me your “Sex & the City” girl.

29. How I used to remind you, that if you’d actually seen the show, you would not like it if I was actually a “Sex and the City” girl.

30. How you’d call me to remind me to bring all my laundry home.

31. Buying you things just because.

32. How I used to slap you on the butt!

33. Waking up to the vacuum cleaner, even if it was insanely early in the morning.

34. How you’d boil pasta for me so it was ready when I got home.

35. I love you notes in the mail.

36. How much you loved Michael Buble.

37. Making you tea.

38. How you would call me just to say you loved me.

39. How you’d always let me have the first sit of your Suisse-Mocha.

40. How you’d have Parmesan personally grated for me at the store.

41. How you’d still send me George Clooney articles in the mail.

42. How you were the only person I ever enjoyed shopping with.

43. When you’d sing on my voicemail.

44. How much you loved Stoffer's Macaroni & Cheese.

45. How you’d put chocolate chips on top of your brownies.

46. How you’d print me out recipes after you’d seem them on the Food Network.

47. Your handwriting.

48. How you’d send me $10 in a card “For ice cream.”

49. How you eventually started sending me $10 in a card “For Beer.”

50. Putting flowers by your bedside while you were sleeping.

51. Because I just miss you.

The First Time I Lost Pammie

On the day before her 51st birthday, I've been thinking a lot about my sister and our relationship. I thought I would write about a fond moment some time in the past, but my mind kept going back to the day she told me that she was getting married...I was probably 10 years old, and I guess I knew it was coming, but her words still caught me off guard. I don't remember the words she said, but I remember my reaction...I was devastated. I cried and cried, and probably made her feel awful. I loved Julien, but I didn't want Pam to leave me. She was my best friend.

On that day, she also asked me to be her maid of honor. Later, as an adult, I have often wondered if she just made that decision right then to get me to stop crying. I never did ask her, but it worked. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about what a maid of honor did, from helping at the shower to moving the train to holding the bouquet during the vows. The thing is, even through my panic, Pam understood and brought me right back in. I never did lose her, because she kept her door open to me at all times. After the wedding Mom and I were always visiting her apartment, and she would come back home at least once a week for dinner or just to sit and talk. Our relationship never wavered...I always met her at the door with a hug and a kiss. She was a great hugger. :)

Now that she's really gone, I am working every day to keep our connection alive. For what she did for me, I owe her that. Happy birthday, my sister. You are "forever in my heart."

Story Time

Yesterday Emma asked me to tell her a story. I usually tell her about amazing wildlife encounters or heroic sagas about a princess named, well, Emma. Being very worn out by a not-so-perfect spring break, I just couldn't get myself to make up yet another one. So I fell back on a song-story that Pammie used to tell...I'm sure she sang it for all the kids, but I especially remember Christopher loving it.

Once upon a time in a wee little shack there lived three bears.
One was a momma bear and one was a papa bear and one was a wee bear.
One day they went a walkin'
Through the deeper woods and stalkin'
Came a girl with blond hair.
Her name was Goldilocks, and upon the door she knocked,
(Tap tap tap)
But no one was there.
So she walked right in and had herself a ball!
She didn't care at all.
Then home, home, home came the three bears.
"Someone's been eatin' my porridge," said the daddy bear.
"Someone's been eatin' my porridge," said the mommy bear.
"A-bear-bobba-re-bear," said the little wee bear,
"Someone has broken my chair, Ahhh!"
Then Goldilocks woke up,
And broke up,
The party and beat it out of there.
"So long, good bye!" said the daddy bear.
"Bye! Bye! Bye!" said the mommy bear.
"A-bear-bobba-re-bear," said the little wee bear,
And that ends the story of the three bears! Ahhh!

The tune is pretty strange, kind of like a 1960s performance art sort of piece. Of course there are voices that go along with each bear. Christopher always joined in with the little screams of the wee bear. I can see this also becoming one of Emma's favorites. It always was one of mine!

It's a Wild Life

I had forgotten about this letter that Pam wrote to her local newspaper, until I found it today online. Note: I am the Wildlife Biologist Sister she mentions...

My wildlife encounter began on a Sunday afternoon, in the late fall, of 2002. I was driving home from Warwick, on County Route 1, and I noticed something darting, from my left, across the road. I slammed on my brakes (I have already hit two deer...they survived, but I was certainly shaken), but I was sure that this thing wasn't running fast enough for me to stop in time. I looked in astonishment at the huge antlers adorning its head and, no, it wasn't really running, it was kind of moseying-on across the road. When I came to a dead stop (without hitting it, thank you), I realized I had just almost hit a Moose (let's call him Bullwinkle). My sister, who is a wildlife biology professor, was certain that moose don't migrate this far south and that I had to have been seeing things. She strongly suggested that I call the DEC to inquire whether moose had actually been spotted in this area or if I had sighted a URM (Unidentified Running Moose). I must tell you that the DEC was totally unimpressed with my story and said that they would put it down as the first sighting in Pine Island that year. Now, my veterinarian, who is also an avid wild lifer, told me that once seeing the moose I should have pulled off the road, gotten out of my car, and chased it to see where it was headed. Get out of my car, chase this moose into the woods leading probably no where, and once I catch up to him, what do I do? Didn't have a camera to take a picture, didn't have food to offer him. Do you think this might have made a cool headline for the local papers? I heard moose can trample you to death should they choose to (I was not really going to take that chance). I have been told (not sure I remember by whom, though) that moose can appear in populated areas when cows are in "heat." I guess I was under the assumption that moose would only desire their own kind, but, a cow with antlers? I guess it could work! My warning has gone out that somewhere in Pine Island there is a "Moose on the Loose" and I have everyone on alert to look for another sighting. To this very day I have never run across another one of these big, furry guys, but I have my camera in the passenger seat of my car, just in case! Pam D'Ancona, Pine Island, NY USA - Sunday, October 22, 2006 at 08:03:00 (CDT)

Pam called to tell me that she had written this, and shortly after I found a little kid's book called "Moose on the Loose." My intent was to cut out some pictures and send them to her anonymously. Never got to it. But we did talk about her encounter many times, along with loads of other critters she got to know in the wilds of Pine Island. She absolutely loved living in a place where the animals would just find her!

The Bridal Shower

So, yesterday was Kerri's bridal shower. A wonderful day for Kerri and Nick. The luncheon was great, the games were fun, the presents were many. Our table had a little less fun than the rest of the room, because Pammie was not there. This is one of the life events that Pam loved. She would have helped with the decorations, the favors (Pam would have handmade them) and the games. She would have oohed and aahed at every glass, blender, frying pan and crock pot. She would have helped to make the ribbon hat and it would have been the nicest ribbon hat you ever saw. We would have gone back to her house and talked about how wonderful everything was and talked about every gift. We would then have started to talk about the wedding and what we were wearing, when was Meg coming in, when we would get our hair done and what time to show up for the wedding. Instead of all these fun happy things, me and Steph and Nikki and Peg, stopped at the cemetary to put some ribbons from the shower gifts on Pams marker. We told her how much we missed her and how she would have enjoyed the day. Then we went back to Pam's house (I feel like I have to call it Jul's house now)and we ate some food and talked a little and did not comment on the gaping hole that is Pam not being there. Every single place you look in Pam's house says something about Pam. Dog pictures, kid pictures, angels. It was very hard. Pam' personality was larger than life. She filled a room by being there and made everyone happier by her presence. I miss Pam every day, but on special days like yesterday, an extra level of sadness kicks in. Clearly we will continue on as a family and celebrate all the special days, even though they will all be a little less wonderful without Pammie.
Love you Pammie!

Aunt Eileen

"Hormones" is a Four Letter Word

When Pam was pregnant with Stephanie (I think?) my mom and I used to visit her during the day over at their apartment in Jefferson Valley. All of the apartments in this complex had orange doors, and Pam had decided that theirs needed a paint job. So one day when we pulled in for a visit, there she was, big belly, bathrobe and slippers, orange paint, and a big mess. There was paint on the carpet (the door opened inward), and bugs stuck in the wet paint on the door. Pam was crying. Okay, so I was just an obnoxious teenager....it was all I could do not to laugh. It was just so TRAGIC, but really it was not that big of a deal.

For years I kept that picture in my head, not really understanding what it was all about...until I got pregnant. I was just 8 or 9 weeks along with Emma when Pam and the family came out to Michigan for a summer visit. We were going at it full speed, driving all over, making the most of the week. I was having fun, but it was dampened quite a bit by nausea, fatigue, and general grumpiness. One day when we were shopping for lunch supplies, I was wandering up and down the aisles, not able to find anything I thought I could stomach. On the verge of tears, I came around the corner and bumped into Pam. She looked at me and said, "You know, mornings are not your best time." Now, at the moment, I didn't make the connection...if I had, I might not have said, "Thank you for that information!" and walked away in a snit. I really hurt her feelings.

Later on, I apologized and blamed it on the hormones. We laughed about how surreal it is to be pregnant, and how everything seems so out of proportion with reality. Over the course of the next few months, she got nearly daily phone calls from me, as I walked a mile in her orange-paint-stained slippers.

Found it.

While looking for old camp pictures, I came across the poem my sister wrote for me. Here's a piece of advice...if you want someone to REALLY KNOW that you love them, write them a poem.

Knotty Love

One of Pam's great life obsessions was hair...her own and everyone else's. One of my earliest memories of her is when she would wash my hair in the bathroom sink. I had to stand on a little step-stool, so I was probably around 4 years old. We had a whole system where I would turn my head to the left (I could see the shower curtain) and the right (I could see the fake plants on the counter)...then at the end she would rinse my hair with cold water, because she said it would make it shiny. She also taught me to pull a few strands through my fingers to see if it squeaked...if it did, the soap was all out.

She was always trying to brush my hair, too. She once told me that when I was a baby, I had to have this lotion rubbed into my hair to treat a scalp condition. It was oily and it ruined the way my hair looked...she said it made her so upset that she cried. That was Pam. Anything that got in the way of a good hair day was a tragedy.

One of the only fights I can remember having with her was when she insisted on brushing out some knots, and I didn't want her to do it. I was about 8. She kept brushing even through my protests, and pulled the brush so hard that it actually hurt. I ran to my room crying and screaming at her. She followed me, of course, and made up for it in a matter of minutes. She put on a record and we made up a dance routine in the living room. At least I knew that my sister would always love me, even if my hair wasn't perfect.

I bumped into St. Francis of Assisi.

St. Francis of Assisi was on the front of my mother's prayer card. St. Franny was the Patron Saint of Animals, and mommy was pretty much his understudy. Walking to Madison Square Garden, on a random side street, I passed this church.

Random. Sweet. Fitting. All Are Welcome.

Time with Pam

A very close friend of mine, Carol, is very ill in North Carolina. I wish that I could be there to help with her children and to sit with her at this very difficult time. When Pam was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer, I knew the time was going to be short. So I decided that I would spend as much time with her as I could. I tried to get up there once a week. I would go up mid morning and stay till dinner. Pam sometimes (in the beginning) said that I must have better things to do than to sit with her all day. I said that spending time with her was very relaxing and peaceful for me and I enjoyed her company. I also knoew that if I wasn't seeing Pam, I would be running around doing stuff that, in the end, doesn't really matter. My time with Pam was (given the circumstances) very enjoyable. One day we watched a show about buying wedding dresses, which led us into talking about getting ours. Then Pam disappeared out of the bedroom and came back in with her wedding dress, to show me how beautiful it was. She said "Do you think Steph would ever wear it?" Being the totally honest person that I am, I said with a little updating, it would be great. That made her very happy. Pam's favorite show was "Jon and Kate + 8". We watched and marveled at how Kate could handle 8 children and still seem so organized. Pam would talk about how much work it was to raise 3 children. Pam seemed to like shows about real people in real situations, she always was sympathetic to people with problems. I think it took her mind off her own issues. Pam also always made sure that there was a good dessert to have in mid-afternoon. We had ice cream, brownies, chocolate cake.. delicious!
As time went on, the conversations got more serious and teary, but still good. I am blessed to have spent the days I did with Pammie. I have learned how important it is to be there when things are good and when things are not.

Just Say Uhhhh.

I loved it when Pam worked as a secretary. I would wait for her to come home in the evenings with stories about her boss and co-workers, and sometimes she would tell us a joke she had heard. One in particular was a favorite of hers...of course it became a favorite of mine because I wanted to be just like my big sister. The joke goes something like this...

So there was this guy named Roy who lived in a house in the country. Every day he would come home and sit on the front porch and take off his shoes. He left them out there overnight, and they were there ready for him in the morning. Well one day he came home with a brand new pair of shoes, and showed them to his wife. "Very nice," she said. "But you're not going to leave them out overnight, are you?" "Why not?" he replied. "What could possibly happen to them?"

The next morning, as Roy was getting ready for work, he looked out the window and saw a cat chewing on his shoes! He ran outside screaming and the cat ran away. His shoes were in ruins. Roy had to get out his old shoes to wear to work that day. He told his wife, "You watch out for that cat. Ohhh, if I catch that cat...."

That night while serving dinner, Roy's wife caught site of a cat walking across the yard. So she said........wait for it........."Pardon me Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

If you really want to make an impact, sing that last line. Mind you, I was way to young to know the song "Chattanooga Choo-Choo," but I would crack up anyway. And I would tell it to my friends, and they would crack up too...it was an "adult" joke, so if you didn't understand it, you couldn't admit it. Now that I think of it, Pam's jokes were always pretty tame...though I do remember one about farting. That's about as risque as she dared to be!

Because I can......

This picture has been in my wallet since

far before my mother was gone.

It's happy to me.

Buttered Roll

Mommy loved Buttered Rolls. Aunt Meg used to comment about how you couldn't get a good buttered roll in Michigan, at least not as good as the ones we have in NY. They're always good. Despite the fact that my parents lived in the middle of nowhere, the deli in "town" made some kick ass buttered rolls. Even when mommy was sick, she could always muster up up enough strength to eat a buttered roll, even if only a few bites.

I stopped at a cart on my way to work to get a roll for breakfast. Skeptical, because it was not the usual cart I'd been going to for the past few years. Subsequently, i found out the roll cost $.25 more. Completely worth it, because this particular roll would have made mom 20 different kinds of happy. Butter, Roll, Perfection.

And That's That!

I remember when I was little, Pammie always used to reminisce about toys she had when she was younger. I did get some hand-me-downs, like her Barbies and Barbie clothes, but because of the age difference, I think that she got rid of many of her things before I was even born. One doll she used to tell me about all the time was "Flatsie." It was kind of a running joke, because Pam was never, um, well endowed. She would sing the little jingle, "Flatsie, Flatsie, she's flat and that's that!"

Flatsies were around in the 60s...basically they were little bendy dolls with long hair and big eyes. I guess they've made a comeback, because Emma and I found some in the Cracker Barrel gift store down the street. I told her that Flatsies were Aunt Pammie's favorite, and she could pick one out to buy. It took a little convincing, because the store has an insane amount of candy at toddler level. When we got the doll home, and found that she came with her own comb and removable shoes, she was sold. She even knows the song, though she sings it like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Oh, well. She'll learn!

Wine-O

First post in a long time. Short memory that came to me...

Mommy barely ever drank. Maybe once a year, she'd have half a glass of wine, but that's about it.

When her M.S. headaches started to get worse over the past few years, she realized a little bit of wine would take the edge off.

When I say "a little bit" i mean that to the true extent of the phrase. She rarely ever made it through one minuscule glass.

One day, I must have been home from college, I'd apparently been doing the dishes. My mother had a headache that day, and had had a glass of wine at best.

Outburst #1: It apparently did the job, because next thing i knew, she was picking up handfuls of suds from the sink, and throwing them at me, hysterical laughing. Man, was I angry. One, because i couldn't get her to stop throwing the bubbles, and two, because i couldn't see why it was so f'in funny?

Once she stopped throwing bubbles at me, we watched TV in her bed. Outburst #2 enfolds.

Outburst #2. Out of nowhere, she got out from under the covers, jumped on top of the bed, took both of her socks off, and started singing at the top of her lungs and swinging the socks in the air. I cant quite remember if my father was watching TV with us, or just came to my rescue.
But, wen my father and I tried to subdue her, she would whack us with the socks and laugh

Mommy was a lightweight I suppose, but hysterical to watch, sock smacking, bubble throwing and all.

Talent

Most of the songs that Pam sang and taught me were ones she learned in Girl Scouts. I was also in the scouts in elementary school, but apparently many of the songs had changed by then. One year our troop had a Daddy-Daughter party (maybe for Valentine's Day?) that involved a talent show. Pam evidently thought that the "good old songs" should be resurrected, and she coached me on two of her favorites.

One, of course, was "I Have a Daisy on my Toe," complete with a construction paper daisy taped to my shoe. The other was a perennial favorite at family functions, "Fried Ham, Fried Ham." Now, I was no stranger to performing this song...at a very young age both my mom and my sis would gently shove me from behind towards an audience of cousins, aunts, uncles and/or neighbors and say, "Come on, Meggie-poo. Sing it." I don't believe I ever had any major stage fright, which might explain my choice of occupation (college instructor). The lyrics went like this...

Fried ham, fried ham,
Cheese and bologna.
After the macaroni
We'll have onions,
Pickles, and pretzels.
Then we'll have some more
Fried ham, fried ham, fried ham!

The funny part, though, is what comes next...Same song, same verse. Cowboy language and a whole lot worse. Then you repeat the song in a cowboy accent. I'm guessing I was 7 or 8, and I did cowboy language, monster language, and English accent. I brought down the house, the Daddies loved me.

Pam had this incredible way of instilling confidence in me, even as a little kid. I knew I could do it, because she told me I could.

The Answer Woman

I was talking to Steph yesterday about Pammie. I was saying that I have been thinking about her a lot because a few things have come up in recent weeks that I would have talked to Pammie about. When Eddie and I came home from a few days in North Carolina, Spike greeted us and WOW did he smell! It looked like he has an ear infection, but as it was New Years Eve, there was no Vet to be found. I was wondering what I should do and I thought, I bet Pam would have an idea. Having raised many dogs, she had an answer for every dog situation that I have ever had. She would recount how Atlas or Carol or Gypsy or Michael or etc.., had had that same problem and here is what to do.This week, Eddie was disappointed that he did not make the A team for his 7th grade school basketball team. If I had called Pam, firstly she would have been so upset for Eddie, she loved him! Then, she would have recounted how when Nick was in 7th grade, this happened and then that happened and then everything worked out OK. Or she might have told me about Steph trying out for Varsity tennis in high school and then making the JV team instead (which Steph shared with me). She had a million stories to help you through your problems.

I also miss planning with her. Holidays, trips to Michigan, vacations,birthday celebrations, we would be discussing and planning the year. Now that we will own the camp in Maine, I am sure she would have been planning to spend some time there, since she loved that camp and the time she spent there. The year now stretches out as a series of events that will happen for the first time without Pammie and somehow will not be as fun without her.