"The Middle"

"The Middle"-Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

[Chorus]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

[Chorus x2]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

[Chorus x2]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

<3 RIP to the nicest person I have ever known <3

Almost 2 years

As we approach the 2nd anniversary of losing Pam, some things happened this week that I would like to share. Ed and Eddie and I have been going "The Blaze" at VanCortlandt Manor for the last few years. The Blaze is approx 4,000 carved pumpkins in every different design you could imagine (fish, dinosaurs, flowers, faces, hands, cats, spiders, pirates, etc). This year, I saw 2 pumpkins that were angels. I have never before seen an angel pumpkin at the Blaze. Of course angels remind me of Pammie and there were 2 of them (out of 4,000 pumpkins!).
In the last few weeks I have been trying to organize 20+ years of photos that I have been keeping in boxes. Last week I thought that I had found all the pictures that had been stored all over my house and I organized them by year (no easy task!).
Last night as I was looking for sleeping bag for a friend of Eddie's who was sleeping over, I went into a closet in my guest room and noticed that there were at least 5 more boxes of pictures in the bottom of the closet. Very discouraged that I would need to do more sorting, I opened the first box and what was the first picture I saw? Auntie Pammie standing in Meg's kitchen smiling (I think she was cleaning-how appropriate). It was from one of many trips to Michigan. The picture made me stop and think how many good times I had with Pam and how much I have lost without her in my life. It made me smile to see her, but sad that she is not here.
2 years is not a long time. Pam will be missed forever. I have accepted the fact that she is not here, but it still feels like there is a gigantic hole in our family that will never close. Reminders and memories of Pam will be popping up forever and I will be watching and thankful for every one.

The Importance of Aunts

I found out yesterday that my wonderful Aunt Maureen has advanced lung cancer and is very close to the end of her life. Aunt Maureen was married to my mother's brother, Harry. They had six children - Monica, Cathy, Francis, John, Peter and Jacqueline. It makes me sad to think of what they are going through now. My Aunt is in the hospital in Staten Island, her children keeping a vigil. One of my other cousin's, Terry's daughter is getting married today in NJ. Our family was so looking forward to a fun family occaision to celebrate. Now the wedding will be without my cousins and my Aunt.
When we were younger, we always celebrated the Holidays with my Uncle Harry and Aunt Maureen and their family. The night before Thanksgiving, my mom and Aunt Maureen would get together at our house and make homemade stuffing, creamed onions and various other side dishes (most of which I now buy!). My Aunt would always be cooking with her cigarette in one hand and her Cosmopolitan in the other. She always looked happy. As I got older and realized what a difficult life my Aunt had had, I admired her all the more. She had TB as a child, raised 6 kids in a small apartment in Brooklyn, did not drive, had her mother-in-law live with them for a while and for many years my Uncle Harry was a raging alcoholic. But what really connects me, is that my Aunt Maureen also helped to raise her niece and nephew, Maryellen and Terry, after their mom (her sister-in-law_Mary) died when they were barely teenagers. She (and my mom) were always there to help them with school and life, ups and downs. I know, from my cousins, that having their Aunts was really life saving. Keeping them a part of a family when there world had fallen apart.

To bring this fully around, how can I not be thinking of Auntie Pammie? In Eddie's world, she was his favorite and his biggest cheerleader. It always makes me sad that Emma and Michael will not know the wonder of Auntie Pam. I will try to be an extra fun Aunt for them.
I also hope that Chris and Nick and Steph know that Aunt Eileen is always here if they need.

Here's to all the Aunt's in the world and how much we love them!!!

Eddie's Science Award

My wonderful son, Eddie, won the Science Award at the 8th grade Awards Night in early June. We were surprised (as was Eddie) when they called his name. I was so excited for him! When we got home, I called my mom and emailed various friends and family members to brag about Eddie. Then as we were sitting down in our family room, after celebrating with ice cream sodas, I said to Eddie and Ed that I was really missing Auntie Pam because she would have been screaming with pride for Eddie's accomplishment. She was the best person to tell when you had good news! She always gave you that over the top reaction. Eddie said to me that she knew and was screaming, just in another place. I think he was right.

June Family Weekend

Meg and Emma came to NY for a visit last weekend. Peg, Steph, Chris, Nikki and Kerri all came to our house for a visit. Nick is in ARMY bootcamp in Kentucky and was very much missed. We ate and drank and swam in the pool. We did a family craft - Tie die tee shirts. It was so fun! And the shirts came out amazingly beautiful. I always think about Pam during these special family times. How much fun she would have had! I thank Pam for the incredible sense of the importance of family that she passed on to her children. Steph and Chris clearly value family get togethers. I think there are lots of people,in their 20's, who would have done other things rather than spending time with family on a beautiful June weekend.
Pam is always with us in spirit when we are all together. We did a family photo to send to Nick to show him how much we miss him. Pam would have been crying with happiness that we were reaching out to her son.
Sometimes I marvel that our family has been able to keep going since we lost Pam. And then I think that is exactly what Pam would have wanted us to do - stay together, have fun and be there for each other. Thank you Pammie!

Kookaburra Part Two

Kookaburra

We would sing...all the time, when I was little. Pam taught me every song she knew. She especially liked "rounds", where one person starts singing and then the other joins in later. There was one that went like this...

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree.
Merry, merry king of the bush is he.
Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh, Kookaburra,
Gay your life must be.

We would sing it over and over again, and I loved it...even though I had no idea what a kookaburra was. Then, many, many years later, we went to Discovery Cove in Sea World to swim with the dolphins...Nick, Pam, Stephanie and me. Part of our experience was drifting on a man-made river to an aviary, where we fed birds...sort of. Mostly Pam just squealed and jumped and made crazy faces as the birds tried to snag the food she was clutching with white knuckles. Oh, and there we met a kookaburra, live and laughing at us. It was one of those "Aha" moments for both of us and we probably scared the thing to death shouting, "Oh my GOD! That's a KOOKABURRA!" And I'm pretty sure that Pam sang to it.

On Thursday last week I took a trip to the local zoo to make sure that my Friday field trip was all set. I was just leaving the bird and reptile house when I spotted the kookaburra staring at me. Nobody was around, so I said, "Hi." He just tilted his head, so I started to walk away. Then he let out this laugh, like, ear an splitting and floor shaking laugh. I just turned and watched him...and when he was done I looked up at the ceiling, fully expecting to see heaven. In those moments, I feel her as though she is standing right next to me, smiling and laughing....of course.

March 19th

Today would have been Pammie's 52nd birthday. She was 2 weeks younger than me, I remember us comiserating as we both approached our 50th. Who would have ever believed that would be her last birthday? To remember Pam today, I went to 8:00 Mass at Holy Name of Mary. The gospel was the story of Mary and Joseph and how Joseph dealt with finding out that his wife to be was already pregnant (March 19th is feast of St. Joseph). It tells how he planned to quietly divorce her and then an angel came and told him that the baby was to be Jesus Christ. In the sermon, the priest said that a lot of things that happen in life do not make sense, that we do not understand and are not within what we thought were the "plans" we had for our life. Could there be a truer statement? It strengthens my faith that when I am sad, I go to church and the sermon seems to be talking to me directly,
It is still hard to understand why Pammie only had 50 years. So now I take comfort in the warm and funny and wonderful memories I have of time spent with Pammie. I believe that God picks his most beautiful flowers first. I believe that Pam is in a better place and I know that someday I will see her again and get one of her amazing hugs and hopefully then I will understand.
Happy Birthday Auntie Pammie! Love you!

Birthdays and Love

Sunday was Emma's fourth birthday, and we had her party at Harris Nature Center. I knew she probably wanted a girlie cake, but I couldn't see mingling the Disney Princesses with the turtles and snakes. So I suggested a ladybug theme, and she thought that was just fine. I borrowed a dome shaped pan from Aunt Laura, and dyed some white frosting very, very red. Just before I began to decorate it, Emma announced that she changed her mind, and wanted Ariel instead. I said, "Honey, if you can figure out how to make Ariel out of a dome-shaped cake and red and black frosting, then I will do it." She agreed that the ladybug was a better choice.

Pam would have LOVED that cake. Mom tells me that when I was young, my sister would decorate my birthday cakes to match the napkins. The only one I remember (probably because I saw the picture) was Pebbles from the Flintstones. It was a white cake with a perfect replica of the napkin...and it's not like she used store bought frosting! She dyed every color and used my mom's icing press. She was SO good. And let me tell you, she NEVER was late with a birthday card. Ever. I wish I could say the same about myself, but in reality, she usually just got a phone call. I did manage to get her a meaningful gift for her 50th, a donation to the Seeing Eye. Between that and the family party at the dinner theater, I am comforted by the fact that she felt loved.

Michael Buble

A very short blog. Every time I hear Michael Buble, I think of Pam. And it makes me smile!!

Ooooh Baby.

A few weeks ago I was filling the bathtub and decided to add a little baby oil to the water. I thought it would might help with that wintry dry skin, and make me feel a little more summery. Well, it's been a while since I used it, but I found a bottle in the hall closet with the kids' shampoo and lotions. As soon as I opened the cap I could picture Pam standing in front of me, in a bikini! :) Are you laughing yet?

It was a typical summer day, circa 1976. Pam and I would put on our bathing suits and drag the chaise lounges (green and white, if I remember correctly) from under the porch, and lay together in the hot mid-day sun. We'd lay on our towels so we didn't stick to the plastic. She would use that baby oil liberally as a tanning aid, and end up brown from head to toe. Ah, the days before we started talking about SPF! We would take a dip in the pool once in a while to cool off, and then she'd oil up again. I wasn't allowed to use it...I had to put on Coppertone, which in those days wasn't much better. But Mom did allow Pam to put lemon juice in my hair to lighten it up. Even then she was very concerned with how my hair (and hers) was styled and colored.

It's amazing how something so simple can bring back such a strong memory. But then again, Pam never was forgettable.

How Pam is always with me in the workplace.....

Pam has been on my mind again a lot lately. I always think of Pam at least once when I am working everyday. After Chris and I got married Pam explained to me the best way to explain to students how to pronounce my new last name.

1) D'An like Dan
2) con like ice cream cone
3) a

Works like a charm every time I introduce myself.

Family

Family is so important. Creating memories and sharing experiences and being there when you are needed is what it is all about. I just came from a memorial service for a 2nd cousin who passed away at the too young age of 54. His parents, siblings, children, relatives and friends are devastated. He was very accomplished in his life, but the favorite remembrances of those who spoke at the service were of sharing family dinners and happy times spent together.
Pam really understood the importance of family. Her favorite times were having all her children in her house at the same time. She loved taking care of them and just being with them. She lived for trips to Michigan or for Meg and family to come here.
I cannot go to any funeral or memorial service without thinking about Pam. I sadly can feel the pain of the family in the front row. I feel for them for the agony they have been through and the difficult times ahead, as the family struggles to continue on with a hole so large you can never imagine it closing.
I love my family. I look forward to family get togethers. I want Eddie to have an endless supply of happy memories of time spent with family. God Bless our family!