What is Loss?

The following is a passage from a book called "The Empty Room" by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn. Eileen gave me this book about a year ago, and I think of this every day...

Before the loss of our sibling, we think of ourselves and our siblings from the vantage point of one solid block of 'I,' an already baked cake. The ingredients cannot be neatly separated out after the fact, or identified when the cake is iced, sliced, and served on a plate. The ingredients become something else, something irreducible. You cannot see the flour, the eggs, the baking soda.

We begin with the story of the loss, then, because it is the shock of the impossible---the rude stripping of one ingredient from the 'I.' The loss is the 'before and after' marker, indicating the moment at which we are forever launched---often without understanding it---into an uncertain state in which we are continuously checking our psychic pockets for something we've lost.

This quote just speaks to me. It's exactly how I feel about the loss of Pam from my life. Yes, I am still checking my "psychic pockets" for something...still thinking that I'll call her to tell her a story about one of the kids or ask her for advice. The wonderful thing is that I have so many vivid memories, that I can hear her laugh at my story, and I know that she would tell me to "do the right thing." I am learning to embrace the years I had with her, and try not to "unbake" the cake.