The Monday after Pam's funeral was my first day back at work. In my "Participation in Government" class we were talking about community service so I started babbling about all of the seeing eye dogs of course. It felt empowering to talk about it but it was too hard for me to keep going for long so I had to stop.
The first weekend in December Chris and I did a bunch of Christmas shopping. We were in Bed, Bath and Beyond. There was this huge set of about 100 cookie cutters. There were letters, numbers and all sorts of colorful ones. I wanted to buy them for her so so so so bad. Needless to say I was all teared up the whole way to Best Buy.
In Wegman's last weekend I saw a bunch of Christmas cards inspired by the 12 days of Christmas. The punchline obviously is that each one was inspired by a different breed of dog. They were so cute. There was of course one about German Shepherds. Oh man did I want to give it to her.
I participated in a Cookie Exchange at work. I baked 12 dozen cookies for people and received that many in return. Chris and I will be bringing half of them to Ed and Eileen's for all of you to enjoy. I am generally calm but I was definitely getting frustrated after awhile. It was definitely the sort of task would have completed more happily and calmly than I.
Chris and I have had a hard time accepting that we can not physically talk to her. I honestly have "prayed" to her before I go to sleep almost every night for the past month. I am not religious in any sense of the word but it helps right now.
After reading all of your posts, a funny conversation I had with her awhile ago is coming to mind. Fall 2007 was the last time Pam, Julien (and Nick too) I believe made it up to Buffalo to visit us. We were all in this fabulous used bookstore. Pam and I really had to go. We went in some pizza place. We left. She said something like "You know when you are pregnant one day you will have to pee a million times a day." I remember laughing at the time. It still is funny even though its obviously bittersweet now. I would be willing to have this converaation every day until Chris and I have a child one day if it meant she were still here. (I recognize this might be the strangest things posted to this blog yet lol).
Love you all!
P.S. I have huge feet. I do not think I could fit a daisy between my toe. lol. Love the story behind the name though.
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2 comments:
During my Christmas shopping, I've found just a ton of stuff I would/could buy for Pammie. She was so easy, because she loved life so much. Dogs, angels, cookies, stickers, paper, books...
Nikki,
Thanks for the lovely blog. I think everyone feels like so many things remind them of Pammie and now it makes us cry, someday it will make us smile at the memory. And that is such a Pam comment about peeing! and by the way, it is true!
Aunt Eileen
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