A Happy Place

On Christmas Eve, my brother got word that his offer on a Maine vacation property was accepted. And this is no ordinary property. It's a cabin on Beech Hill Pond, built by my Uncle Ed many years ago. Our family spent quite a bit of time there in the 1970s, swimming, fishing, blueberry picking, and sleeping in the bunk house.

In 1998, I took a trip back there with "The D'An Clan", and one of their dogs, Atlas. The place hadn't changed much, but it did have a TV and a ceiling on the bathroom! I slept with the kids up in the loft, and Pam and Julien slept in the master bedroom. We had a fantastic week...an early morning kayak ride with Steve, Steph, and Lily was one of the high points for me. The photo below, I think, shows one of the high points for Pam. She was never one to kick a dog off the bed, and Atlas sure knew that she was a sucker for a furry face. I never knew my sister to just laze around in the morning...she usually started vacuuming or doing laundry before the sun came up. But here is a moment of pure bliss...
I hope we can achieve some of that level of happiness when we visit the place in a few weeks. It will be hard without Pammie, but we'll try.

Nick and Kerry's Wedding

I know that I am very late in blogging about this, but I could not let this occasion go by with saying what a wonderful day it was. Pammie's baby boy got married! Nick and Kerry looked handsome and beautiful. The hall and food were great. The memorial candle for Pammie was sad but lovely.
I kept thinking during the wedding how much Pammie would have loved it. I remember her talking about the red dresses the bridesmaids would wear and how the flowers were going to match them. I remember looking through bridal magazines with Pam and talking about styles and colors for her own dress. I remember how happy she was when Nick asked Eddie to be a part of the wedding party. I missed her from beginning to end. My heart ached to see Julien alone at this happy event. I also kept thinking that this was the last family event that Pam would help plan.
When the DJ said that Pam had called, it was a little jarring, but to see that floor fill up with people to dance the Chicken dance in her honor was overwhelming and very emotional for me. The Chicken dance is such a happy, fun and cheerful dance. Just like Pam to love it!
Seeing Nick and Steph dance together was also very emotional, but lovely. They knew that Pam would like the dance to go on and her kids did it, even though it was clearly very difficult for them . Pam was very much a part of this special day!

God Bless Nick and Kerry!

Love,
Auntie Eileen

Pam's Linen Closet

Two month's ago, Steph gave me a box of stuff that had been cleaned out of Pam's linen closet. Since we had just bought the cabin in Maine, Steph thought maybe we could use some of the stuff. A couple of days ago, I went through the box. I needed to determine how may sheets I need to buy for our 13 (!) beds in Maine. The box contained mostly bottom sheets, a pretty yellow table cloth and a plastic shower curtain with an outdoor theme(think woods and bears). You could clearly tell the sheets that were Chris and Nick's. Blue/green stripes.Very boyish. The other ones were bright yellow, blue floral, a rose pattern, bright green plaid etc. Very colorful. I called Steph to ask why there were no top sheets and she said that they did not use top sheets. She said Pam bought whatever color sheets she could find and I'm sure what ever color appealed to her that day.
I started thinking about when I was kid and our top and bottom sheets never matched and they were also very colorful. My mother, religiously, changed the sheets in our house every week. The bottom sheet was washed and the top sheet became the bottom sheet and you got a new pillow case. As my mother had 4 kids, she didn't care if anything matched and it never did. It wasn't until I started going to friends houses did I realize that sheets came in sets and they were supposed to match. So now, with my a anal personality, I use only same color sheets, so everything will always match! I need to lighten up!

Any way, I am bringing most of the Pammie sheets up to Maine. I plan to use the bear shower curtain in the bathroom and the yellow table cloth will definitely find a nice home. It is like bringing some "Pammieness" to the cabin.

Aunt Eileen

Hope

We went out to the Relay for Life at the middle school here in Okemos on Saturday. We did not start a team as I had been planning, because I just couldn't fathom the "hopeful" spirit that one needs to raise funds. I do support the American Cancer Society's philosophy...after all, if you don't have hope then why bother. But we had hoped for so much more. Seven months? Please. Couldn't we even get a year? A Christmas? Another birthday, maybe?

We did want to donate to the cause, though, so we brought some money with the intention of supporting some teams by eating chocolate. We told Emma it was going to be like a party, and it sort of was! There was a clown making balloon animals (better than I can, sorry to say), a few bake sales, some games, and kids crafts. Emma made some sand art in a Coke bottle, won some candy at a basketball toss, lost the candy while we were walking around, and had a tantrum. While she was rolling around on the ground, I bought a luminary for Pam, then we went home for a nap.

That evening I went back for the luminary ceremony. It was very emotional for me...I remember at last year's relay in Grand Ledge, all I could think about was whether Pam would be around this year.During the silent lap, they had a bagpipe playing...at the end of the lap he started Amazing Grace. I'm sure there were other people crying, but it was dark...I pretended I was walking with Pam for a moment, and I tried to summon up some hope. There were a few survivors walking, after all, and they certainly need it.

What a Turkey!

I cannot remember exactly why, but I did not want the Chicken Dance played at my wedding. We skipped a lot of the traditions like tossing the bouquet and the garter, and smushing cake (and/or wedding danishes) in each other's faces. But why skip the Chicken Dance? I mean, it's fun, right?

Pam used to sing some version of it, I don't even know if there are real lyrics...it went, "I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a chicken. I'd rather be a duck, quack, quack, quack, quack." We had danced it together MANY times before. She desperately wanted me to play it, and maybe that's why I didn't want to...I was on a real power trip then, declaring this and that about the menu and the guest list and the invitations. A true Bridezilla. I made the DJ promise not to play it, and Pam was so upset that she called me out in her Christmas letter! I can't remember the exact words she used (I'll find that letter one of these days) but she said something like, "My mean sister won't even let me dance the Chicken Dance at her wedding."

When push came to shove, the DJ caved. I don't know what Pam said to him, but he played that song for her after all, even though I was paying him NOT to! When they played it again last weekend at Nick's wedding, dedicated to Pam and with everyone missing her, I wished I hadn't been so stupid about it. Really, she asked so little from me, why was I so stubborn? I acted like such a little brat, trying to declare my independence from my big sister. From now on, every time I hear that music, I will flap my arms and quack for Pam, and hope she is dancing with me.

Sibling Rivalry

I just finished reading a book about brothers and sisters. On the last page, there was a quote from another writer about how she looked up to her big sister. It said something like, "If she said to eat the fish food, I ate the fish food. I would do anything she told me because I loved her so much." I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point. Siblings do that, don't they? They take advantage of their position to tease, to make them feel superior.

Pam was 12 years older than me, so I wouldn't say that we had any form of rivalry. She just thought I was the cutest little thing, and that the sun rose and set over me. So the things she asked me to do were not cruel, they were not mean. They were just meant to accentuate my, well, my cuteness.

I remember her always asking me to sing for her friends and the neighbors..."Fried Ham" and "The Little Green Frog" were some of her favorites. Then there was this other thing she always made me do. She would ask me to pose with one finger on my head (like a ballerina), one finger on my nose, and stand on one foot. Somewhere there is a picture of me doing this, with a crazy blond wig on my head. Sometimes she would tell me to hop up and down. We would always fall apart in laughter...I don't know why it was so funny, but it was.

It's a good thing that Pam never told me to eat fish food, because I would have done it. I loved her that much.

For better and worse, I have a very active dream life. Lots of details, in color, almost every night for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I even have great ideas or solve things that have been bothering me during the day. I've even had a few dreams about Pam since she passed away, but none as wonderful as I had early this morning.

I was on my way to meet some friends to carpool to a party...we were leaving some kind of conference center or something, out in the woods. Crossing a field to get to my car, I had the urge to turn around, and there was Pam standing right behind me. She looked great. She was in a green fleece shirt, she had on her glasses, and her hair looked beautiful. :) I grabbed her by the arm to see if she was real, and I could feel her. I told her that I loved her and missed her, and she told me the same. I said, "I wish you could stay." Then, I thought she said "I don't want to stay..." but when I asked she said, "No, I do! I wish I could stay." But I knew she wouldn't be able to.

Then we started walking and I realized that the field was full of purple and white striped crocuses, like the ones we have in our yard right now. I said to her, "I call these 'Pammie flowers.'" I have no idea why I said that, but she laughed! I kept telling her how much I loved her, and she said, "You are capable of incredible love." Then I did something I really regret (as much as you can regret actions in a dream). I told her I had to go because my friends were waiting for me. She said that was fine. The thing is, at the time, I didn't have any doubt that I would see her again.

So I turned and walked away, and I didn't look back. When I woke up a few minutes later, I felt like I had just been with her...I could still hear her voice and feel her arm in my hand. Over the course of the day the feeling has faded a bit, so I do hope that we meet again soon.