On New Year's Eve

When Pam's kids were younger, I spent quite a few New Year's Eves "partying" at their place. Pam would buy a bunch of heat-and-serve hors d'oeuvres, and we would eat them in shifts through the night...pizza rolls at 8, pigs-in-a-blanket at 9, and so on. There was usually a cheese ball, and some flavor of sparkling juice so that we could pretend like we were drinking champagne. There was a box of hats and noisemakers that always appeared, and midnight was a flurry of jumping, screaming, confetti, and poking fun at Dick Clark. One year, apparently, somebody (whose arms are those in the background?) thought it would be cute to put a hat on Doreen (or is that Carol?)...she doesn't look amused. Now, Pam was never a "night person." As long as I can remember, she always went to bed quite early, and New Year's Eve was always a struggle for her. Some time after the 10 o'clock food, she would wrap herself up in the nearest blanket and start to drift off to sleep on the couch. She would make us promise to wake her at midnight, but that was never easy. She would grumpily sit up, give a half-hearted "Yippee," and kiss everyone on her way to bed. I was not surprised to find this picture of Pam and friends, at a raucous blast at their house in New Hampshire (year?). I'm not sure if this was taken before or after her New Year's Nap, but notice that she is not motivated to tell the dog to get off the coffee table...but now that I think of it, did she ever tell a dog to get off the coffee table anyway? Happy New Year, Pammie!

On Christmas Eve

There's a lot to be said for someone who will just dance...let loose, unembarrassed, worrying about nothing except having a good old time. Pammie would dance anytime, anywhere. Just turn on the music, and off she went.

Christmas Eves at the Clarks were always a blast, with the traditional food, drink, and visit by the Oswalds. Other neighbors came and went over the years, but the Clarks and Oswalds were ALWAYS together on Christmas Eve. One year Pam had the great idea of adding dancing to the party. She brought a CD from home and organized a raucous dance of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." It involved making giant rings with your arms, drumming imaginary drums, and twirling like a ballerina.

The idea was met with mixed reviews...some of us loved it, some of us not so much. But even the audience had a ball, laughing and rolling on the floor as we imitated the geese-a-laying. We probably did this 3 or 4 years in a row, with various people joining in or sitting out. One of the pics below even shows Stephanie in her "I don't know these people" phase, but I'm sure she danced with us at least once. I couldn't find a picture of it, but Paul Oswald joined in too at some point, with belly laughs and broken English.

I have to believe that Heaven is full of dancing. I'm not sure if the Angels do it differently than we did, maybe even reverently and with grace. But this Christmas, maybe Paulie and Pam are teaching them the basics, like how to balance on one foot as you imitate a partridge in a pear tree.

Christmas Eve's Gone By

I have been trying to remember the Christmas Eve's of my past (I sound like I should be in a Christmas Carol). When I was a kid, Christmas Eve was a quiet evening, my family celebrated Christmas Day. On Christmas Eve my father would come home from work at about 3pm and say, "Ok, let's go shopping for mommy's Christmas presents". So me and I think my sister would go to Macy's or Sears with my dad and help him pick out PJ's, a robe, slippers and maybe some jewelry. I then remember watching the Yule Log burn on Channel 9. I said it was quiet.
When I married Ed, I became a part of the Clark/Oswald Christmas Eve celebration. There were lots of presents, good OD's to eat (swedish meatball, little pizza's, little hot dogs, homemade cookies etc) and even for a year or 2 wild dancing to the 12 Days of Christmas (Pammie especially loved the crazy hand motions for each day). Then a few years ago, the Clark Christmas Eve celebration abruptly ended. Peg said it was too much work, we offered to help, but she declined to continue what I think had been going on for quite a few years before I came in. Pammie was quite upset that this traditon was ending. That first Christmas Eve without a place to go, I felt a little lost. We ended up going to a Christmas Eve kids service with our nieghbors (Jackie and Raul) and then going back to their house for a glass of wine. I thought, Ok, maybe we will do this now for Christmas Eve, but in the spring Jackie and Raul moved to Panama, so that ended that.
Then Pammie said she would like to host Christmas Eve at her house. We said great! She and Jul prepared mostly the same food, we had a few less people, but instead of crazy dancing, we had many crazy dogs to occupy us. So we now had a new place for Christmas Eve. Steph, Nick and Chris and Eddie were always up for games and it was always a fun time.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we sadly again find ourselves looking for the right place to be.
We (I actually) decided that we will go to Christmas Eve service at my church. We will sing Christmas Carols (I am sure I will cry), but it seems like the right place to be. Thank you Lord for always giving us a place to be when we feel lost.
Pammie this year talked about hosting this Christmas Eve. She had said she would cater food, because it would be easier and asked if we would come. I said "Pammie if you are hosting, I am coming".
I am grateful for the wonderful memories of Christmas Eve's gone by. Miss you, Auntie Pammie, Merry Christmas.

Love,

Auntie Eileen

Yes, I think I will pet that dog in the pet store.

Mommy was a notorious dog lover. I mean, like uber-crazy in love. Seriously people, it was like she had the south pole of a magnet embedded in her hand, and ever dog's head was the north pole of another magnet. The love didn't stop at her own, as she couldn't never resist a dog that came in the proximity, possibly even crossing the road to do so.

The place where her desire to stalk down random dogs was most obviously, the pet store (enter chain name here). As an young teen, going to the pet store with mommy was not on the top of my list, as embarrassment was an necessary badge of honor for teens, and what ensued at the pet store was inevitable embarrasment. She'd stop by every dog, get down on the floor, pet the dog, talk to the dog, and yes, let the dog lick her face. Enter stage left: Me. I can remember literally pulling on her arm for her to stand up, mumbling under my breath, or possibly, even taking the cart and proceeding to shop without her.

The only reason I don't feel bad about this previous stage of embarrassment, is that through such persistence, mommy broke me down until I was an equal partner in crime. Sooner enough, I ended up joining my mother on the floor, talking to and petting random dogs, and yes, letting them lick my face.

Today I took the train over to the West Side to go to Petland Discounts. I needed to keep up mommy's regular tradition of buying toys for all the animals in the family, half brothers included(that's you Block Head, if you're reading this). In the toy section, I turned around and there was a nice friendly looking doggy and their human. I felt an instant rush in my veins. I say this in all seriousness, like a magnetic pull to this animal. I asked politely if I could pet him. I stayed and talked the owner for a few minutes, and gave Vito some pats (Vito was the dog) and said goodbye.

I honestly feel that rush in my veins and the hotness in my face was mommy pulling me over to the doggy. I love that she was uber-crazy in love with dogs, and I'm 100% proud to be inheriting this trait from mommy.

I sometimes name random dogs in my head when I see them passing on the street.

Catching you up on Pam sightings

The Monday after Pam's funeral was my first day back at work. In my "Participation in Government" class we were talking about community service so I started babbling about all of the seeing eye dogs of course. It felt empowering to talk about it but it was too hard for me to keep going for long so I had to stop.

The first weekend in December Chris and I did a bunch of Christmas shopping. We were in Bed, Bath and Beyond. There was this huge set of about 100 cookie cutters. There were letters, numbers and all sorts of colorful ones. I wanted to buy them for her so so so so bad. Needless to say I was all teared up the whole way to Best Buy.

In Wegman's last weekend I saw a bunch of Christmas cards inspired by the 12 days of Christmas. The punchline obviously is that each one was inspired by a different breed of dog. They were so cute. There was of course one about German Shepherds. Oh man did I want to give it to her.

I participated in a Cookie Exchange at work. I baked 12 dozen cookies for people and received that many in return. Chris and I will be bringing half of them to Ed and Eileen's for all of you to enjoy. I am generally calm but I was definitely getting frustrated after awhile. It was definitely the sort of task would have completed more happily and calmly than I.

Chris and I have had a hard time accepting that we can not physically talk to her. I honestly have "prayed" to her before I go to sleep almost every night for the past month. I am not religious in any sense of the word but it helps right now.

After reading all of your posts, a funny conversation I had with her awhile ago is coming to mind. Fall 2007 was the last time Pam, Julien (and Nick too) I believe made it up to Buffalo to visit us. We were all in this fabulous used bookstore. Pam and I really had to go. We went in some pizza place. We left. She said something like "You know when you are pregnant one day you will have to pee a million times a day." I remember laughing at the time. It still is funny even though its obviously bittersweet now. I would be willing to have this converaation every day until Chris and I have a child one day if it meant she were still here. (I recognize this might be the strangest things posted to this blog yet lol).

Love you all!

P.S. I have huge feet. I do not think I could fit a daisy between my toe. lol. Love the story behind the name though.

Christmas Traditions

Since I have been with my husband, Uncle Ed, (Pammie's brother), every Christmas has had the highlight of a visit with Aunt Meg. First Aunt Meg alone, then Aunt Meg and Uncle Mike, then Aunt Meg, Uncle Mike and Emma and now Aunt Meg, Uncle Mike and Emma and baby Michael. This year will be the first year in 17 years that we will not be together. While I totally understand why it is not happening, it still feels like a tradition is changing. Many people have told me that when there is a loss in a family, things change and new traditions are started. I hope to make personally sure that we do start some new traditions.
I guess the first holidays will be the hardest. I remember last year Pammie and I and Big Grandma and Eddie were planning our day after Christmas trip to Michigan and we were very excited about it. Believe it or not, with Pammie in the car I looked forward to the trip. There were good snacks, good conversation and music to sing out loud to ( the Sound of Music soundtrack was a favorite). Who would think I would miss a 12 hour car ride? This year I even got a new car with a great GPS system, so I wouldn't have to stress Pammie about following the directions from our map quest sheet. That was the one thing Pammie needed a little help with. I remember once, we were near Cleveland and I knew an exit or turn was coming up and I said to Pammie, "What do I do?" She proceeded to start at Step 1 of the directions and told me to make a left turn at the end of my street! I said (very excitedly) "Pam, we are in Ohio! Skip to the middle of the Page!" From then on, Pammie would hold a marker (for the full 12 hours) and cross out the turns we made, so we would always be up to date in the directions. The first time we drove out there, Nick and Eddie were with us and I remember deputizing Nick to be the co-captain of the trip and he took over the reading of the directions. I hope Pammie wasn't too upset about that. I think she understood my anal and controling tendencies.

Anyway, so we are going to Michigan in January instead of December. I am just happy we are going. Maybe a new tradition has begun.

Love,
Aunt Eileen

Wake Up Call

Growing up, managing the morning bathroom time was a challenge...two parents, two teenagers and a five year old sharing a bath and a half. There was some routine of who got to use the potty when, but all I knew was that Pam would wake me every morning when it was my turn. She would come to my door and sing, of course...lots of different songs, but I remember this one best...

When cows wake up in the morning, they always say "Good day!"
When cows wake up in the morning, they always say "Good day!"
"Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo!"
That is what they say, they say,
"Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo!"
That is what they say.

That would continue with a sheep, a dog, a cat, and even a fish. The fish would just make a fish face, since fish don't talk. Pam was very good at the fish face. I can picture my view of her from my bed. She would stand in the doorway, and sometimes she would take the stuffed animals off of my shelves and they would do the singing. Sure beats an alarm clock. :)