Daisy McCrazy.

As illustrated by the title of this blog, mom loved the song "I Have a Daisy on my Toe," and rarely had a hard time finding a reason to sing it. This past week has been somewhat of a Daisy invasion. Whether it's because I'm just looking harder, or they're actually being placed for me to find, I'm not sure. I will take what I can get.

Sighting 1: In Michigan this weekend, our craft for the day was making magnets out of clay. One of the options was a pretty little daisy, which I told Emma were Aunt Pammie's favorite. After the process of cutting it , shaping it, and drying it out in the stove, I forgot it was supposed to be a daisy, and painted it like a sun. Uhhh, woops? It still counts.

Sighting 2: Aunt Eileen got a new kitty this week (sorry to spoil the surprise, but, it's necessary for the validity of this post) and named it Daisy for mommy. Needless to say, mommy would have sang this song endlessly to this little kitten, that kitty probably wouldn't answer to anything but the entire length of the song. Sung, not spoken.

Sighting 3: Best one yet. My friend Rose tore me this picture out a magazine. See for yourself.

Pammie's 51st Birthday

Today is Pam's 51st birthday. I started my day at 8:00 Mass at Holy Name of Mary. The service started with "Here I Am Lord", one of my favorites and it was sung at my friend Carol's funeral. So I started the day off crying about how much I miss Pammie and Carol.
The sermon started out about St.Joseph (it is his feast day today) and what a simple, amazing person he was. The priest then read a letter from a 15yr old boy whose father had just died.
In the letter, the boy talks about his father in a way that every parent would love to have their child speak about them. He said he knew his father loved him, he loved doing simple, regular things and his family was the center of his life. The boy even mentioned how his father liked to play with his dogs. That whole sermon and letter could have been about Pam. When I read Steph's blog about 51 reasons for missing her mom, I was taken by how the things she misses most are the simplest things. Saying "I love you", "You are pretty", making your favorite food to cheer you up. I hope I can remember to focus on the important "little" things every day. I hope that my memories of Pammie will always go back to how amazing she was. How she didn't even know it, but she was the heart of our family just by being herself. Being herself was what she did best.
So now it is 10:00 at night and I am ending my day, as I started it, crying as I think about how much I miss Auntie Pammie. Happy Birthday Pammie.

Love,
Auntie Eileen

Fifty Cents

Today I spent the morning shopping at local thrift stores, looking for treasures and trying to pass the time. When Pam would hear that I was going garage saling, she would sometimes tell me to buy her something for 50 cents. Not a dollar, that was too much...just 50 cents. Once I found her a clip-on lipstick mirror, and you would have thought I had given her a million dollars. So I figured I would keep my eye out for a little statue or a dog, or anything that I could find on the tchachki shelf to buy for her birthday.

After about an hour at the first store, I had nothing. No clothes for the kids, no funky plates, no quirky mugs. And nothing that called out Pam's name. I crossed the street to Volunteers of America and started over....but to my dismay I made it through the huge warehouse in record time, with a few clothes but no 50 cent gem. As I approached the last corner, I noticed that someone had turned up the music...the tune was familiar. After a few beats I was singing along..."I wanna soak up the sun, wanna tell everyone to lighten up!" For real! Pam was OBSESSED with this song the first time we went to SeaPointe. It had serious significance! She played it dozens of times as we scrolled through the beach pictures. When it ended, she would jump up and say "Wait! Wait! Let me start it over. Wait! I got it, I got it!"

When I realized what I was singing, I stopped in my tracks and looked over to the nearest shelf. I expected that I would see the one thing I was meant to buy. There were some blue plastic cars, an astronomy set, and two little dolls wrapped in plastic. There was a giant Barbie head with hair you could style, maybe that was it? It didn't seem right, though, so I moved on to the kids clothes and just kept singing.

After finding a few shirts for Michael, I had to walk back past the shelf, so I took a second look. All the same stuff, except for this time I noticed a little angel in a bin. A really weird looking angel. Yes, Pammie loved angels, but I was not convinced. I turned her over to read the back of the package, nothing there. Just as I was about to put her down and leave, I noticed it. My significance...
She lives with me now. And by the way, she cost 30 cents plus tax.

51 Things On Your 51st.

In celebration of mommy’s 51st birthday, I decided to compile a list of reasons I miss her. For those who were there for the funeral, you will recognize the method from my eulogy. This is a practice I started when mommy first became sick, as I never had a difficult time telling her I loved her, but could never seem to muster up the strength to tell her that I’d miss her. Here’s to you mommy. 51 reasons I miss you. One for each year of your life, and an extra for the year that you should still be here.

1. How you would beg, literally beg, to do my ironing.

2. Seeing what kind of groceries you’d bought for me to eat, each time I came home to visit.

3. The dressing room at Kohls. I’d never model the ugly stuff, but more often than not, I bought what you thought made me look “pretty.”

4. How you’d push me out of the way if you saw me doing my own ironing.

5. How you’d let me borrow anything of yours, even if you hadn’t worn it yet.

6. The way you would redecorate my night stand each time I came home.

7. How you’d let me pick which Yankee candle to light in the kitchen.

8. Watching you grill just about everything in the rain.

9. How you used to stop and get me French Onion soup at the luncheonette down the road.

10. When you hem my pants.

11. How you faced every situation with a smile.

12. How you’d screech to a stop at yellow lights.

13. How you would make me macaroni and tuna fish salad whenever I needed cheering up.

14. How I’d resist almost every book recommendation you ever gave me, and ended up loving each one.

15. Going to Panera for soup and salad after shopping.

16. How you’d lend me your new books before you even read them.

17. Stopping for buttered rolls on the way to a big shopping trip.

18. Christmas shopping at Woodbury Commons.

19. How you’d get excited whenever you knew the answer to one of my crosswords.

20. Napping to the Food Network together.

21. Planning our trips to visit all the places we’d seen on Diners, Drive ins, and Dives.

22. Hearing you sing “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” to Carol.

23. Mikey Mouse pancakes.

24. How we barely ever went more than 3 or 4 days without talking.

25. How we could be at the world’s greatest restaurant, and you’d still fill up on a baked potato.

26. Listening to the Hanson Christmas CD on our first shopping trip of the winter.

27. How you folded my tshirts so perfectly, that I was able to fit all of them in my drawer.

28. How you used to call me your “Sex & the City” girl.

29. How I used to remind you, that if you’d actually seen the show, you would not like it if I was actually a “Sex and the City” girl.

30. How you’d call me to remind me to bring all my laundry home.

31. Buying you things just because.

32. How I used to slap you on the butt!

33. Waking up to the vacuum cleaner, even if it was insanely early in the morning.

34. How you’d boil pasta for me so it was ready when I got home.

35. I love you notes in the mail.

36. How much you loved Michael Buble.

37. Making you tea.

38. How you would call me just to say you loved me.

39. How you’d always let me have the first sit of your Suisse-Mocha.

40. How you’d have Parmesan personally grated for me at the store.

41. How you’d still send me George Clooney articles in the mail.

42. How you were the only person I ever enjoyed shopping with.

43. When you’d sing on my voicemail.

44. How much you loved Stoffer's Macaroni & Cheese.

45. How you’d put chocolate chips on top of your brownies.

46. How you’d print me out recipes after you’d seem them on the Food Network.

47. Your handwriting.

48. How you’d send me $10 in a card “For ice cream.”

49. How you eventually started sending me $10 in a card “For Beer.”

50. Putting flowers by your bedside while you were sleeping.

51. Because I just miss you.

The First Time I Lost Pammie

On the day before her 51st birthday, I've been thinking a lot about my sister and our relationship. I thought I would write about a fond moment some time in the past, but my mind kept going back to the day she told me that she was getting married...I was probably 10 years old, and I guess I knew it was coming, but her words still caught me off guard. I don't remember the words she said, but I remember my reaction...I was devastated. I cried and cried, and probably made her feel awful. I loved Julien, but I didn't want Pam to leave me. She was my best friend.

On that day, she also asked me to be her maid of honor. Later, as an adult, I have often wondered if she just made that decision right then to get me to stop crying. I never did ask her, but it worked. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about what a maid of honor did, from helping at the shower to moving the train to holding the bouquet during the vows. The thing is, even through my panic, Pam understood and brought me right back in. I never did lose her, because she kept her door open to me at all times. After the wedding Mom and I were always visiting her apartment, and she would come back home at least once a week for dinner or just to sit and talk. Our relationship never wavered...I always met her at the door with a hug and a kiss. She was a great hugger. :)

Now that she's really gone, I am working every day to keep our connection alive. For what she did for me, I owe her that. Happy birthday, my sister. You are "forever in my heart."

Story Time

Yesterday Emma asked me to tell her a story. I usually tell her about amazing wildlife encounters or heroic sagas about a princess named, well, Emma. Being very worn out by a not-so-perfect spring break, I just couldn't get myself to make up yet another one. So I fell back on a song-story that Pammie used to tell...I'm sure she sang it for all the kids, but I especially remember Christopher loving it.

Once upon a time in a wee little shack there lived three bears.
One was a momma bear and one was a papa bear and one was a wee bear.
One day they went a walkin'
Through the deeper woods and stalkin'
Came a girl with blond hair.
Her name was Goldilocks, and upon the door she knocked,
(Tap tap tap)
But no one was there.
So she walked right in and had herself a ball!
She didn't care at all.
Then home, home, home came the three bears.
"Someone's been eatin' my porridge," said the daddy bear.
"Someone's been eatin' my porridge," said the mommy bear.
"A-bear-bobba-re-bear," said the little wee bear,
"Someone has broken my chair, Ahhh!"
Then Goldilocks woke up,
And broke up,
The party and beat it out of there.
"So long, good bye!" said the daddy bear.
"Bye! Bye! Bye!" said the mommy bear.
"A-bear-bobba-re-bear," said the little wee bear,
And that ends the story of the three bears! Ahhh!

The tune is pretty strange, kind of like a 1960s performance art sort of piece. Of course there are voices that go along with each bear. Christopher always joined in with the little screams of the wee bear. I can see this also becoming one of Emma's favorites. It always was one of mine!

It's a Wild Life

I had forgotten about this letter that Pam wrote to her local newspaper, until I found it today online. Note: I am the Wildlife Biologist Sister she mentions...

My wildlife encounter began on a Sunday afternoon, in the late fall, of 2002. I was driving home from Warwick, on County Route 1, and I noticed something darting, from my left, across the road. I slammed on my brakes (I have already hit two deer...they survived, but I was certainly shaken), but I was sure that this thing wasn't running fast enough for me to stop in time. I looked in astonishment at the huge antlers adorning its head and, no, it wasn't really running, it was kind of moseying-on across the road. When I came to a dead stop (without hitting it, thank you), I realized I had just almost hit a Moose (let's call him Bullwinkle). My sister, who is a wildlife biology professor, was certain that moose don't migrate this far south and that I had to have been seeing things. She strongly suggested that I call the DEC to inquire whether moose had actually been spotted in this area or if I had sighted a URM (Unidentified Running Moose). I must tell you that the DEC was totally unimpressed with my story and said that they would put it down as the first sighting in Pine Island that year. Now, my veterinarian, who is also an avid wild lifer, told me that once seeing the moose I should have pulled off the road, gotten out of my car, and chased it to see where it was headed. Get out of my car, chase this moose into the woods leading probably no where, and once I catch up to him, what do I do? Didn't have a camera to take a picture, didn't have food to offer him. Do you think this might have made a cool headline for the local papers? I heard moose can trample you to death should they choose to (I was not really going to take that chance). I have been told (not sure I remember by whom, though) that moose can appear in populated areas when cows are in "heat." I guess I was under the assumption that moose would only desire their own kind, but, a cow with antlers? I guess it could work! My warning has gone out that somewhere in Pine Island there is a "Moose on the Loose" and I have everyone on alert to look for another sighting. To this very day I have never run across another one of these big, furry guys, but I have my camera in the passenger seat of my car, just in case! Pam D'Ancona, Pine Island, NY USA - Sunday, October 22, 2006 at 08:03:00 (CDT)

Pam called to tell me that she had written this, and shortly after I found a little kid's book called "Moose on the Loose." My intent was to cut out some pictures and send them to her anonymously. Never got to it. But we did talk about her encounter many times, along with loads of other critters she got to know in the wilds of Pine Island. She absolutely loved living in a place where the animals would just find her!

The Bridal Shower

So, yesterday was Kerri's bridal shower. A wonderful day for Kerri and Nick. The luncheon was great, the games were fun, the presents were many. Our table had a little less fun than the rest of the room, because Pammie was not there. This is one of the life events that Pam loved. She would have helped with the decorations, the favors (Pam would have handmade them) and the games. She would have oohed and aahed at every glass, blender, frying pan and crock pot. She would have helped to make the ribbon hat and it would have been the nicest ribbon hat you ever saw. We would have gone back to her house and talked about how wonderful everything was and talked about every gift. We would then have started to talk about the wedding and what we were wearing, when was Meg coming in, when we would get our hair done and what time to show up for the wedding. Instead of all these fun happy things, me and Steph and Nikki and Peg, stopped at the cemetary to put some ribbons from the shower gifts on Pams marker. We told her how much we missed her and how she would have enjoyed the day. Then we went back to Pam's house (I feel like I have to call it Jul's house now)and we ate some food and talked a little and did not comment on the gaping hole that is Pam not being there. Every single place you look in Pam's house says something about Pam. Dog pictures, kid pictures, angels. It was very hard. Pam' personality was larger than life. She filled a room by being there and made everyone happier by her presence. I miss Pam every day, but on special days like yesterday, an extra level of sadness kicks in. Clearly we will continue on as a family and celebrate all the special days, even though they will all be a little less wonderful without Pammie.
Love you Pammie!

Aunt Eileen