This Fall

It is officially Fall. I have been thinking a lot about Pam in recent days. Last Fall was when Pammie told us that her cancer had spread and that there were to be no more chemo treatments. I don't remember the leaves changing last year, We didn't go to Eddie's parent teacher conferences and really all I can think that I did was worry about Pammie and cry.
The Fall days last year passed by in between visits to Pam. I went up about once a week .I would have gone more often, but Pam said I must have better things to do with my time. I told her that nothing was better than spending time with her and I told her I was going to miss her so much. I told her that I loved her and that the trips that we took to Michigan were some of the funnest times that I ever had.
I am feeling anxious about the approach of the first anniversary of Pammie's passing. I am being reminded of the horrific struggle that she had and how amazingly she handled it. I want to remember the full of life Pam, not the Pam on her way to leaving us. I am hoping that after Nov 19, the happy Pammie thoughts will come back.

Love you and miss you Pammie!

Auntie Eileen

Science Sisters

Pam loved to talk about science. In all of the different teacher's aide's positions she had, she just thrived whenever they asked her to help with science. She was constantly asking me questions about wildlife and ecology...quite often well outside my realm of expertise. One time she asked me about birds on a wire. Why, she wanted to know, did birds always sit in the same direction? She would see these huge flocks of birds sitting up there near her house, and they were always facing one way.

We talked about it for a while, and decided that maybe it had something to do with the wind, or the fact that they were flying in the same direction when they all landed. Since I wasn't sure of the real answer, I told her about something that I did know. I explained Occam's Razor...simply stated, the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. I told her the classic, "if you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras." Pam loved it. She asked why she hadn't heard of it before. Over the course of other conversations, she would bring up Occam's Razor anytime we had a problem we couldn't figure out...although I don't think she ever got the pronunciation right.

She was a born teacher, as I'm sure all of her students experienced. And she was a born learner, ready and open for all ideas that came her way from others. She looked to me as an expert, and I loved her for that.

The thoughtful Auntie Pammie

Eddie and I have been on a massive house cleaning in the last 2 weeks. Eddie's room was particularly in need. We went through books from kindergarden to 7th grade. We found a number of books that Pam had given Eddie, that were signed by the author. She went to bookfairs and author talks at her school and always thought about Eddie when she thought the book would interest him. Needless to say, the books are staying.
I just found today a Cablevision tote bag that Pammie had written Eddie's name on, in her original style. The bag contained markers, a color paper memo pad, a glow sketch, mad libs book, old maid cards, a book called "Help, I'm Bored", a 3D paint set, a green match box car, 2 plastic sharks, a diver and a plastic eel. I'm guessing she put this together for Eddie for one of our car trips to Michigan. She wanted to make sure that Eddie never lacked for something to do! How thoughtful of her to worry about Eddie and get all this stuff for him. She had stuff for him on every trip we took. One time, when we were flying to Michigan (I think it was Labor Day weekend), one of the activities that Pammie packed was an etching set, complete with a very sharp etching tool. I have no idea how that got past security! This stuff has made me happy and sad today. She was so wonderful and a great Auntie!

The Family visit to Maine

In July, Jul, Steph, Chris, Nikki, Meg, Mike, Emma and baby Michael came to Maine for a visit with me and Ed and Eddie. It was wonderful to have them come. Next year I hope Nick and Kerri can join us. I hope this will be a yearly event. The group kayaked (led by Jul), tubed, wakeboarded (led by Steph), and rode the Jet Skis. Emma and Michael loved being taken for rides on the Jet Skis and Mike seemed to enjoy it too! We had family dinners prepared by Nikki and Meg with help from Steph. We did a great jigsaw puzzle on the history of rock and roll (1000 piece puzzle done in 2 days!) We played Bingo. We spent quality time together as a family.
As it will always be when our family gathers, we felt the missing piece of our family, Pammie. I thought about her when we were doing crafts with Emma (felt whales). I thought about her alot when I was shopping for the weekend because she would have so enjoyed preparing and getting things together. As I sat watching the tubing and wakeboarding and kayaking, I was wishing that Pam was sitting next to me, because she loved to watch her kids have fun.
I especially missed her when we were sitting around the fire pit and Meg and Emma were singing the song " a boy and a girl and a little canoe....". I could hear Pam's voice in my head singing that song (maybe she was singing along)! Singing was Pam's specialty, and whenever Meg was around, they were always singing their old girl scout songs. Pam would have cried that Emma, at 3/12, alreadly knows these songs.
I am thankful that our family can get together and have fun and laugh. And I am also thankful that I always feel Pam's spirit with us, whenever we get together.

Love,

Aunt Eileen

Baby Love

When Emma was about 8 months old, the NY clan came out to Michigan for a visit. Instead of staying in a hotel, Pam stayed in the guest bedroom (we called it the Bed and Breakfast) so she could spend the mornings and evenings with us. In retrospect, I should have briefed her on the night-time rituals, but I was pretty sure that she would not wake up to Emma's cries. After all, she managed to sleep through doggies barking and jumping on the bed every day at home!

So when Emma started screaming shortly after midnight, I laid in bed for awhile, waiting her out...that was the plan. I would go in every few minutes to reassure her but I would not pick her up. We were trying desperately to get her to comfort herself, to fall back to sleep without needing us. But when Emma's cries stopped abruptly without any help from me, I was worried. I got out of bed and went quietly to her room. There I found my sister, holding Emma and bouncing her gently.

I think I said something like, "Uh! Why did you pick her up?" "She was reaching for me," Pam said. "She was saying, up, up." I remember that the next day, Pam apologized for messing up our plan. But I guess I hope that maybe somewhere in Emma's little head she has a memory of Angel Pammie coming to rescue her when she was sad. She did that for so many of us, didn't she?

Remember the time...

A few weeks ago, I was talking to some friends about the types of stories that become family legend...you know, the ones that people drag up every once in a while at a holiday gathering, and everyone nods and laughs? Well, I know I missed the fourth by a few days, but this one just popped into my mind this morning...

We used to spend every July 4th with the Oswalds, or dear next door neighbors. There was usually a picnic with shish-ke-bob, coleslaw, games, and sparklers. One year, after Pam was married and Chris was a baby, there was quite a large crowd in the Oswald's back yard. Dad and Mr. O had gotten their hands on some bottle rockets, and were getting kind of rowdy (I don't remember exactly, but I'm sure there were either Heinekens or Shaffers involved). They decided that the best way to stay "safe" was to shoot of the bottle rockets from bottles they were HOLDING IN THEIR HANDS. I guess the premise was that they could make sure the rocket was pointed in the right direction.

So, I'm not sure what went wrong, but one of the rockets took a funny turn and came back towards the buffet table. Everyone dove for cover, and the rocket landed safely in the middle of Pam's pudding cake...and exploded! Vanilla pudding flew everywhere, including onto baby Chris, who was in a playpen a few feet away. I can't remember who was laughing and who was crying, but I do know that the fathers got scolded and the cake was thrown away.

I'd like to think that Dad, Pam and Mr. O were all together this 4th of July, carrying on the tradition...good times, family and friends, and love of life.

A Happy Place

On Christmas Eve, my brother got word that his offer on a Maine vacation property was accepted. And this is no ordinary property. It's a cabin on Beech Hill Pond, built by my Uncle Ed many years ago. Our family spent quite a bit of time there in the 1970s, swimming, fishing, blueberry picking, and sleeping in the bunk house.

In 1998, I took a trip back there with "The D'An Clan", and one of their dogs, Atlas. The place hadn't changed much, but it did have a TV and a ceiling on the bathroom! I slept with the kids up in the loft, and Pam and Julien slept in the master bedroom. We had a fantastic week...an early morning kayak ride with Steve, Steph, and Lily was one of the high points for me. The photo below, I think, shows one of the high points for Pam. She was never one to kick a dog off the bed, and Atlas sure knew that she was a sucker for a furry face. I never knew my sister to just laze around in the morning...she usually started vacuuming or doing laundry before the sun came up. But here is a moment of pure bliss...
I hope we can achieve some of that level of happiness when we visit the place in a few weeks. It will be hard without Pammie, but we'll try.