This Christmas Season

I have been thinking a lot about Pam lately. I am sure it is the holiday season that Pam always loved so much. You can't help but remember the holidays of years gone by and how warm and wonderful they were. We put up our tree last week and the Pammie ornaments are my favorite (even though when I unwrap them, they make me cry).
-The red, white and blue painted little chair, which is a memory from making garden chairs in Michigan on our first trip there.
-The Appalachian trail marker, which is a memory from the year we hiked on a few(very small) sections of it. Pammie loved the book "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson
- A handmade (they all were) ornament with a picture of me and Ed from the first Christmas after we got engaged. The picture of me is not great, but I love it.

We also took out our collection of snow globes. If you told Pam that you were collecting something, you were guaranteed to get one from her. I told her that I decided to collect snow globes for Eddie. So, the little train set snow globe, that is from Polar Express she bought for Eddie. She read that book to Eddie one Christmas Eve. The little snow globe with the angel in it that plays Silent Night and the First Noel she gave to Eddie. When I took them out I told Eddie to never forget that these were from Aunt Pam.

Thank you Pammie for leaving us so many things that remind us of you.

Christmas Letter: 1996

December 1996

Dearest Family, Friends, and Country Folk,

Holiday greetings from Warwick, New York! Another year has flown by so quickly and as I approach that magical birthday #39, I appreciate more and more the times our family has shared all through the year (I guess I should be happy I’m not turning #40 yet). Where does the time go?

The kids have all grown so much this past year and we’ve now reached the point that Julien will borrow stuff from Chris. They now have the same shoe size, are almost the same height, but Julien still beats Chris out in “bulk” (although Chris weighs at least 10 pounds more than me)! I’m sure that it won’t be too long until they are an even match! Chris is doing well in school. He is in three honors courses and has found golf to be his sport. I’m not sure where he gets his “smarts” from - it’s sure not his mother. Next year he’ll be in high school and then we’ll be thinking about college. He is sure he wants to be a computer engineer and who knows where he’ll end up going to school. Maybe he’ll join my sister, Meg, out in Michigan! Stephanie n doing well in the 6th. grade. She played girl’s softball this spring and starts her Red Cross Junior Lifesaving Course in February. She also just began girl’s basketball and keeps me running with her love of shopping, clothes, jewelry, and her fetish for pocketbooks (all shapes and sizes). She sure is a typical pre-teenager and has a terrific sense of humor Nicolas is sports, sports, sports! We did baseball this past spring, football and baseball camp this summer, we just completed soccer, and have now just started basketball. We have already signed up for baseball this spring and who knows what else! When he is home, he hangs outside playing Street hockey and I am convinced he’ll never get through high school with his front teeth intact. He’s doing well in the 3rd grade but would pick sports over homework anytime. He, too, is tall like Chris, and soon will be a match for his dad.

Our summer was busy, but fin! We started off the summer with Chris having sinus surgery and his recovery went great! In July, the whole family went on a 4-day cable convention to Newport, Rhode Island and Julien and I even got to go out and have dinner at The Hammersmith Farm (the Kennedy’s summer home). The kids had a wild time as Disney, Nickelodeon, The Learning Channel, and The Discovery Channel came up to do activities with them. Chris even had teen nights and one night we went to pick him up and we discovered him in the front of the Electric Slide line. We were told that he had beat all doing karaoke to the song “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” (he is a country music fan). It was a vacation to remember - what a blast!

Julien is doing great at his job - traveling up to Massachusetts a lot, but really enjoying it (the regional headquarters is there). He spent his summer weekends in his garden and he’s become quite famous for the “sweetest cheery tomato.” We even grew eggplant. O.K., we only grew two, but they made the best half-a-plate of fried eggplant I’ve ever had. He and I also spent a few weekends attempting to wallpaper our entryway, hallway, living and dining room walls. We now appreciate the money paid to professional wallpaper hangers as I am not exactly sure how we got the project done without killing each other! Our most recent adventure was a trip to the city to see the Broadway play “Beauty and the Beast, which included fighting the elements of a hurricane, flooded and closed roads, and a 4 ‘/2 hour drive home!

Meg was home during the summer and we did some great day trips. We went to The Catskill Game Farm and there was a llama there that was convinced I was his mother. He constantly followed me around and knew if I could I would have brought him home. For those of you who don’t know my love for animals, we have Woody (a guinea pig that we adopted last December after we saw the movie Toy Story). That’s where he got his name from. We also have Tulip (a huge mutant bunny I brought home from the local Agway store Easter weekend). Now, you have to understand that I was sure Julien would not let me have it, so I took him from the store and showed up at Nick’s baseball practice with it to show to Julien. I was sure he wouldn’t refuse me in front of an audience of baseball spectators. His concern was “where is this rabbit going to live” and I thought I convinced him that a recycling bin would do just fine. Well, he did come home with a cage for Tulip (not for me) and the bunny has been doing great, but she is the biggest rabbit I’ve ever seen. Fm not sure if she is mixed with part dog or part dinosaur!

Now, about my dogs! We now have Gypsy, a female German Shepherd we were raising for The Seeing Eye that failed the program. We adopted her in February, and in April we started to raise another puppy whose name is Carol. Carol is now nine months old (also a female German Shepherd). The first dog we raised, Doreen, did beautifully in her training and is now a Guide Dog for an 18 year old girl who is a freshman in college down in Virginia. They are studying music together. We miss her terribly but are very proud of what she has accomplished. Now, here some the clincher! All I wanted for Christmas this year was a new puppy (to own) and the other day we adopted little “Nebraska”, an 8-week old shepherd/boxer mix. He is a little doll, but puts us up to now having 3 dogs which Julien says is the absolute limit or the divorce papers are in the mail! I’m not sure how he allowed me to have 3 dogs. It must be all that charm I ooze!
i’m still working at the Warwick Valley Middle School but am now in the Media Center (library). Part time is plenty as I’m so involved in The Seeing Eye program and running constantly with the kids. I’ve gone for special leadership training and if I could would raise 100 dogs. It’s so much fun and so rewarding!
Well, over and out for now. God bless you and yours this wonderful Christmas season. Wish we could all be together - you’re all missed and loved.

All my love and kisses... Pam

P.S. For those of you who didn’t know, I had two nephews born this year. Julien’s sister has a k new son named Joseph, and my brother, Ed, has a new baby named Eddie

Christmas Letter: 1995

Dearest Friends and Family (both near and far),

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Our life this past year has been crazy and hectic which is why I’ve finally graduated to this generic-type letter. I love you all and want to tell you so much, so please don’t mind that I had to jot it down this way so I could share it all.

Summer was HOT, but fun! Stephanie and Nick both did swimming lessons in town all summer and Nick became a terrific swimmer. He now lives in the 10’ end of the pool and is sure he’ll be in the Olympics someday. We did lots of day trips (the Renaissance Festival, the Drive—In, the beach) and we even dragged my morn and sister to the Great Adventure Amusement Park. We haven’t yet decided, though, if the highlight of the day was when they had to stop the Big Wheel (ferris wheel) to let me off because I was crying (what a great example I set for my kids), or when my mom got drenched at one of the water shows (the rest of us stayed perfectly dry - although Julien says he got wet too)! We didn’t really pay attention to him — we were too busy drying off my mom.

Our fall has been full of activities too! I’ve gone back to college (part time) to finish my degree and go on for a masters of arts in teaching. Boy is it tough to do homework again — but I love getting out of the house all by myself and using those dead brain cells again. I work part time in the Warwick Middle School as an Instructional Teacher’s Aide and have decided that when I teach it will be with adults (middle school kids have too many hormones flying around). Nick has just finished playing soccer after a full spring of baseball games. Chris ran Cross-Country for the Warwick Middle School — The Purple Waves and the high school team just won the New York State Championship. Stephanie and Nick both swim on Friday nights and Stephanie will be going for her level 5 Red Cross Swimming Course in February. The kids keep me running, and with two now in the middle school the homework is hard and long.

Now, about my dogs! Yes, I now have two German Shepherd/Seeing—Eye Dogs (Doreen and Gypsy). I’m a crazy woman — but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. They are my “kids with fur” and require more time and attention than all of my three kids combined. Our club is called “Pals with Paws” and I am the secretary. We meet every other Friday night to train the dogs, but spend more of the time laughing at the 15 dogs trying to get along. We’ve marched with the dogs in a parade, took them into town for an ice cream outing, have done demonstrations of them training for various organizations, and basically can take them anywhere we want to go. Doreen is due to be picked up by The Seeing Eye any day, and unless she fails the program we will not get to see her again. My box of tissues is already out and waiting.

Julien’s job is doing great and it requires him to travel some. He travels mostly to New Hampshire and Massachusetts, and enjoys every minute of it. Maybe it’s that he likes getting away from those dogs! (NO, not really — he loves them as much as me). It gets kinda hard at night, though, trying to sleep with two huge dogs trying to share the bed with us!Well, over and out for this year. I wish you all a blessed holiday and a wonderful new year in 1996. I miss you all very much.

*Note: I used Courier for this entry because mommy actually typed it on a typewriter...

A Beautiful Life

Pammie's very close friend, Karen Hamm, sent this lovely email to Jul and I today. I asked her if I could put it on the blog and share with everyone.

Subject: a beautiful life.....

Date: Thursday, November 19, 2009 11:17 AM

Dear Julien and Eileen,
It was so good to see all of you and enjoy time with your family on Sunday.

This morning, even as I write this, it seems surreal. How could it be a year.....a year without our precious Pammie?? Time marches on, though, and often feels cruel. I'm sure we are all reliving this day.. the grief and deep loss we felt as we released Pam into the arms of Jesus.
So, I decided that I would spend quiet time this morning with Pam in my heart and thoughts. This is a little sampling of what came to me as I sat in my rocking chair..laughing and crying, crying and laughing again.
I remembered the early days, days that Pam and I would spend playing outside. Our favorite thing to do in the summer was to meet shortly after breakfast, blanket in one hand, Barbie case in the other. We would lay out our blankets and then unsnap our cases and all the our Barbie dolls and ALL of their clothes and accessories would spill out onto the blankets that we'd carefully laid out. Then the fun began....trying on all their different clothes and fixing their hair in new styles. I was always challenged when it came time for this...so, Pam would patiently help me. She always knew how to get Barbie's hair to look cool. Then she'd help me dress our dolls, she was always done first and I would struggle just getting Barbie's arms in and out of the sleeves. Pam had a way to make me feel that she was having just as much fun as I was...even though she did most of the work. She always made me feel like the little sister who she truly delighted in. This is one of my happiest childhood memories.
Then came our teen years. We had big hair and loved to go out and buy clothes. Pam worked in Shoprite. I still didn't have a job...I was still too young to get a job. Pam got her driver's license first...she always did everything first....like she paved the way for my journey and taught me what to expect from life. I remember when she was driving on Route 6...just she and I alone in the car, and it began to rain, in sheets. We couldn't see 1 foot in front of us...and then it happened!! Pam turned on the windshield wipers on ultra fast speed...only to have the windshield wipers malfunction. To our shock the wipers changed directions and started operating off the side of the car....so they were wiping the air instead of the windshield!!. We screamed and burst into laughter, all at the same time. Picture Pammie rolling, yes rolling down the window, trying to grab the wipers and put them back on the windshield....all while she's driving and can't see in front of her. I decided to try and help and I rolled my window down and tried to redirect the wipers too. Rain was coming in the car in record speed. Needless to say, there was so much screaming we couldn't hear each other, except for the occasional....Kar, I can't see.....Oh my God, we're going to crash!! God smiled down on us and the rain mysteriously stopped. We laughed about that for years.....
Our favorite story......My mother had to go to a Christmas dinner for the ladies at church and she was slammed for time. So, Pam and I volunteered to help. She asked us if we could make the jello mold while she ran some errands. We anxiously agreed. Here we are in my kitchen, making a red and green jello mold for this dinner in the Christmas spirit. The jello was made and put in the frig....my mother comes home...Pam and I are listening to music in the living room....and my mother gasps. She took the mold off the jello to reveal BROWN jello. Obviously we didn't let the jello cool long enough and the red and green jello merged together to make this hideous brown jello....we held our breath and then exploded in laughter. My mom laughed too!! We have NEVER forgotten the brown Christmas jello mold.
Then came the introduction to Julien at youth group....and you know what happened next. A beautiful family was formed. I remember Pam telling me all about how different dating and marriage was..again, preparing me for my future. Then the children came and all the miscarriages in between. I remember being with Pam during one of her miscarriages. We both cried til we had no more tears. Fast forward to Stephanie's surgery....the days preceding this are days that are forever etched in my mind. Pam and I talked and talked and cried and cried. God worked a miracle, one that neither of us would ever forget that Sunday morning. I can remember that morning like yesterday when Steph had her surgery. I don't think I had ever prayed so hard for anything or anyone in my whole life.
As my mind reeled forward to hearing about Pam's cancer diagnosis from Stephanie and the sadness of what today represents, I thought....NO, this is NOT what Pam would want me to focus on. I can't change the pain and emptiness that is in my heart after losing my dear sister and friend, but I can change what path I will go down today. I am choosing to remember her endurance....she endured so many things in the years I knew her. But the manner in which she endured _always_ inspired me. Inspired me to keep going no matter what, inspired me to see the glass half full, inspired me to really love the people in my life. Pam had a lightness of heart that always prevailed....no matter what was happening. She had a joy that was contagious.
Pam really was my hero, someone that was bigger than life to me.
There's so much more I could say...let me end with a God Story. This year on my birthday, July 22, I was missing Pam so much. I was sitting on my deck crying because I wouldn't hear her sing to me, I wouldn't hear her say.... "I love you Kiddo", wouldn't get her "cat" birthday card, and I asked the Lord to PLEASE, PLEASE bring her close to me...let me know that Pammie was ok. I let this sadness settle in, and then I just released the wish. The following day, my friend Sandy, called and said she was sorry but couldn't get me my birthday present until today...her daughter would bring it to my office. I didn't open it until I got home that night....when I opened it I literally dropped the bag to the floor. It was a fleece blanket that was tied together at the ends, just like the ones Pammie was making in her last days for the children with Eileen. When Pam told me about these blankets she said, "Kar, even _you _could do this!!" I told her maybe someday I would, but wanted her to help me. She let out a faint laugh...she knew she wouldn't be able to help me with this...she knew she was getting so very tired. But, here on this hot July day, the Lord brought Pammie to me....to tell me she's ok.....I've kept the blanket tucked away until this morning. I took it out of the bag today, for the first time since opening it this summer, and I cried as I wrapped the blanket around my body as I sat in the rocking chair. I sat under the blanket for over an hour....being with Pammie, being warmed by her love and her spirit that will forever live inside of me.
I love you Pammie, Pamela Jean, "P.J", my dear friend and sister......
I pray you are all feeling Pam's love today.....Although she is in the loving arms of our Savior, she will always be in our hearts and our lives.

With love,Karen
--

Good Night Moon...

Much like I did with my secret stash of words I had prepared for mom's eulogy... these were the things that enter into my head before the night's sleep of a day like this....here is how a perfect morning or night would have gone on any number of ways...


-How you used to so sweetly wake us up in the morning to tell us there was a snow day.... only to have the house wake up in an explosion of excitement

-The Suisse Mocha you made before work. You let me have twice as much as you, even though you had a real job.

-Mickey Mouse pancakes made whatever day it was, possibly the best day ever.

-Just my Pooh blanket is all I still need to feel you help me drift to sleep.

-How you'd wake me up off the couch to ask if you could help make me more comfortable by taking me to my bed.

-The way you used to look in the morning; tired, tired, and happy. You were always happy to have 3 little smiles in the morning.

-How you used to check to see if I was asleep, far after you were even in bed.

-The way you used to scratch my back in the morning or at night.

Because the though of being able to say goodnight to you once more is my dream.

What is Loss?

The following is a passage from a book called "The Empty Room" by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn. Eileen gave me this book about a year ago, and I think of this every day...

Before the loss of our sibling, we think of ourselves and our siblings from the vantage point of one solid block of 'I,' an already baked cake. The ingredients cannot be neatly separated out after the fact, or identified when the cake is iced, sliced, and served on a plate. The ingredients become something else, something irreducible. You cannot see the flour, the eggs, the baking soda.

We begin with the story of the loss, then, because it is the shock of the impossible---the rude stripping of one ingredient from the 'I.' The loss is the 'before and after' marker, indicating the moment at which we are forever launched---often without understanding it---into an uncertain state in which we are continuously checking our psychic pockets for something we've lost.

This quote just speaks to me. It's exactly how I feel about the loss of Pam from my life. Yes, I am still checking my "psychic pockets" for something...still thinking that I'll call her to tell her a story about one of the kids or ask her for advice. The wonderful thing is that I have so many vivid memories, that I can hear her laugh at my story, and I know that she would tell me to "do the right thing." I am learning to embrace the years I had with her, and try not to "unbake" the cake.

One Year Ago

Yesterday, we went to St.Mary's church where the 11:00 Mass was celebrated in memory of Pam. Peg,Ed, Eddie, Jul, Steph, Chris, Nikki, Nick, Kerri,Karen Ham and me. Peg had beautiful flowers on the altar and picked out some lovely songs - I am the Bread of Life and How Great Thou Art. I cried through most of the songs. Rev Clair, who is such an amazing and uplifting speaker, gave a thoughtful, touching, perfect sermon. Life is difficult, there is a lot of pain and sorrow, the most important thing is Love, God has a place for us after all the turmoil. I am holding on tightly to my faith that the next life is the better one.

Pammie went to the better place one year ago this week. I know she is at peace. The problem is those of us left behind, who miss her terribly. I know that time heals, but one year has not healed my sadness. The empty space is too big. When I think about an entire year passing without Pam, I actually cannot believe it has been that long.

I will go to the cemetary this week to leave some colorful flowers to mark the day and remember a wonderful mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.

We miss you Pammie

Love,
Aunt Eileen