What a Turkey!

I cannot remember exactly why, but I did not want the Chicken Dance played at my wedding. We skipped a lot of the traditions like tossing the bouquet and the garter, and smushing cake (and/or wedding danishes) in each other's faces. But why skip the Chicken Dance? I mean, it's fun, right?

Pam used to sing some version of it, I don't even know if there are real lyrics...it went, "I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a chicken. I'd rather be a duck, quack, quack, quack, quack." We had danced it together MANY times before. She desperately wanted me to play it, and maybe that's why I didn't want to...I was on a real power trip then, declaring this and that about the menu and the guest list and the invitations. A true Bridezilla. I made the DJ promise not to play it, and Pam was so upset that she called me out in her Christmas letter! I can't remember the exact words she used (I'll find that letter one of these days) but she said something like, "My mean sister won't even let me dance the Chicken Dance at her wedding."

When push came to shove, the DJ caved. I don't know what Pam said to him, but he played that song for her after all, even though I was paying him NOT to! When they played it again last weekend at Nick's wedding, dedicated to Pam and with everyone missing her, I wished I hadn't been so stupid about it. Really, she asked so little from me, why was I so stubborn? I acted like such a little brat, trying to declare my independence from my big sister. From now on, every time I hear that music, I will flap my arms and quack for Pam, and hope she is dancing with me.

Sibling Rivalry

I just finished reading a book about brothers and sisters. On the last page, there was a quote from another writer about how she looked up to her big sister. It said something like, "If she said to eat the fish food, I ate the fish food. I would do anything she told me because I loved her so much." I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point. Siblings do that, don't they? They take advantage of their position to tease, to make them feel superior.

Pam was 12 years older than me, so I wouldn't say that we had any form of rivalry. She just thought I was the cutest little thing, and that the sun rose and set over me. So the things she asked me to do were not cruel, they were not mean. They were just meant to accentuate my, well, my cuteness.

I remember her always asking me to sing for her friends and the neighbors..."Fried Ham" and "The Little Green Frog" were some of her favorites. Then there was this other thing she always made me do. She would ask me to pose with one finger on my head (like a ballerina), one finger on my nose, and stand on one foot. Somewhere there is a picture of me doing this, with a crazy blond wig on my head. Sometimes she would tell me to hop up and down. We would always fall apart in laughter...I don't know why it was so funny, but it was.

It's a good thing that Pam never told me to eat fish food, because I would have done it. I loved her that much.

For better and worse, I have a very active dream life. Lots of details, in color, almost every night for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I even have great ideas or solve things that have been bothering me during the day. I've even had a few dreams about Pam since she passed away, but none as wonderful as I had early this morning.

I was on my way to meet some friends to carpool to a party...we were leaving some kind of conference center or something, out in the woods. Crossing a field to get to my car, I had the urge to turn around, and there was Pam standing right behind me. She looked great. She was in a green fleece shirt, she had on her glasses, and her hair looked beautiful. :) I grabbed her by the arm to see if she was real, and I could feel her. I told her that I loved her and missed her, and she told me the same. I said, "I wish you could stay." Then, I thought she said "I don't want to stay..." but when I asked she said, "No, I do! I wish I could stay." But I knew she wouldn't be able to.

Then we started walking and I realized that the field was full of purple and white striped crocuses, like the ones we have in our yard right now. I said to her, "I call these 'Pammie flowers.'" I have no idea why I said that, but she laughed! I kept telling her how much I loved her, and she said, "You are capable of incredible love." Then I did something I really regret (as much as you can regret actions in a dream). I told her I had to go because my friends were waiting for me. She said that was fine. The thing is, at the time, I didn't have any doubt that I would see her again.

So I turned and walked away, and I didn't look back. When I woke up a few minutes later, I felt like I had just been with her...I could still hear her voice and feel her arm in my hand. Over the course of the day the feeling has faded a bit, so I do hope that we meet again soon.

I have a Daisy in my house

As Steph mentioned in her blog, we recently adopted a kitten and named her Daisy. (Guess why we named her Daisy?) We wanted to remember and honor Pammie on her birthday. We thought of how she loved animals and so what better tribute, than to take in a homeless kitten. Daisy was 3 months old on March 19. She is black with white markings and her white paws make her look like she is wearing high white socks. We have had Daisy in our house for 2 weeks, and I think we may have gotten the kitty version of Brie (Pammie's very lively Golden Retriever). Just now, we were sitting watching TV and I thought I heard meowing. A search of the house found Daisy locked in the spice cabinet, sitting on the revolving shelf. Earlier today, I found her in the trash can next to our computer, frolicking in the paper. Everytime we attempt to do work on the computer, Daisy comes and sits on the keyboard and tries to follow the cursor with her paw (it's really hard to get any work done with a kitty on your keyboard). When we are eating, Daisy has to be locked in the Laundry room because she cannot be deterred from climbing on the table and walking on our plates! She loves to run around the house at full speed, chasing I don't know what. Her lively spirit so reminds me of Pammie. I think Pammie had a hand in making sure that Daisy came to our house. Daisy makes us smile and laugh. And I know that just as Pammie loved her Briejette, we will love our Daisy, no matter what she gets into next!

Geo-nuts

On a few of our trips home, Mike and I brought Pam out for some geocaching near her house. There is a lot of public land in and around Pine Island, including segments of the Appalachian Trail. I thought she really liked it, searching around the woods for hidden treasure. She was definitely a good sport...on one hunt she followed Mike WAY off trail, over a precarious rocky ridge, while I waited back on the trail in case of emergency. I have to admit, I was nervous. Mike had Emma on his back and Pam was none to steady on those rocks! But I could hear her excitement when they found the box, and she insisted that she was up for another cache on the way home.

As we approached the coordinates in the car, it became apparent that the cache was hidden in a rock wall along the left side of the road. Pam and I got out to look, but she seemed pretty nervous as I started reaching in between the rocks. I asked her what was wrong, and she admitted that geocaching was really not a good sport for her. She did enjoy the walking in the woods, but she was afraid that there would be something bad hidden in the box. "Like a bomb, or something." I started laughing at her, telling her she was crazy. Who would do that? Then out of nowhere a jogger came up behind us and said, "Hey." We both just about jumped out of our skins! I'm sure he thought we were quite nuts, poking around in a rock wall and screaming in fear of him. But then, the Clarks are used to this...being considered nuts, I mean. :)

Daisy McCrazy.

As illustrated by the title of this blog, mom loved the song "I Have a Daisy on my Toe," and rarely had a hard time finding a reason to sing it. This past week has been somewhat of a Daisy invasion. Whether it's because I'm just looking harder, or they're actually being placed for me to find, I'm not sure. I will take what I can get.

Sighting 1: In Michigan this weekend, our craft for the day was making magnets out of clay. One of the options was a pretty little daisy, which I told Emma were Aunt Pammie's favorite. After the process of cutting it , shaping it, and drying it out in the stove, I forgot it was supposed to be a daisy, and painted it like a sun. Uhhh, woops? It still counts.

Sighting 2: Aunt Eileen got a new kitty this week (sorry to spoil the surprise, but, it's necessary for the validity of this post) and named it Daisy for mommy. Needless to say, mommy would have sang this song endlessly to this little kitten, that kitty probably wouldn't answer to anything but the entire length of the song. Sung, not spoken.

Sighting 3: Best one yet. My friend Rose tore me this picture out a magazine. See for yourself.

Pammie's 51st Birthday

Today is Pam's 51st birthday. I started my day at 8:00 Mass at Holy Name of Mary. The service started with "Here I Am Lord", one of my favorites and it was sung at my friend Carol's funeral. So I started the day off crying about how much I miss Pammie and Carol.
The sermon started out about St.Joseph (it is his feast day today) and what a simple, amazing person he was. The priest then read a letter from a 15yr old boy whose father had just died.
In the letter, the boy talks about his father in a way that every parent would love to have their child speak about them. He said he knew his father loved him, he loved doing simple, regular things and his family was the center of his life. The boy even mentioned how his father liked to play with his dogs. That whole sermon and letter could have been about Pam. When I read Steph's blog about 51 reasons for missing her mom, I was taken by how the things she misses most are the simplest things. Saying "I love you", "You are pretty", making your favorite food to cheer you up. I hope I can remember to focus on the important "little" things every day. I hope that my memories of Pammie will always go back to how amazing she was. How she didn't even know it, but she was the heart of our family just by being herself. Being herself was what she did best.
So now it is 10:00 at night and I am ending my day, as I started it, crying as I think about how much I miss Auntie Pammie. Happy Birthday Pammie.

Love,
Auntie Eileen