One Year Ago

Yesterday, we went to St.Mary's church where the 11:00 Mass was celebrated in memory of Pam. Peg,Ed, Eddie, Jul, Steph, Chris, Nikki, Nick, Kerri,Karen Ham and me. Peg had beautiful flowers on the altar and picked out some lovely songs - I am the Bread of Life and How Great Thou Art. I cried through most of the songs. Rev Clair, who is such an amazing and uplifting speaker, gave a thoughtful, touching, perfect sermon. Life is difficult, there is a lot of pain and sorrow, the most important thing is Love, God has a place for us after all the turmoil. I am holding on tightly to my faith that the next life is the better one.

Pammie went to the better place one year ago this week. I know she is at peace. The problem is those of us left behind, who miss her terribly. I know that time heals, but one year has not healed my sadness. The empty space is too big. When I think about an entire year passing without Pam, I actually cannot believe it has been that long.

I will go to the cemetary this week to leave some colorful flowers to mark the day and remember a wonderful mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.

We miss you Pammie

Love,
Aunt Eileen

Clothes

Two weeks ago, Steph left 4 bags of Pam's clothes for me to give to the Thrift Shop. I am sure Pam would have liked that. After Steph left, I felt overwhelmed that I had Pam's stuff in my garage and did not want to go through the bags. It made me sad that this was some of the last things of Pam's that were left. Every time I passed the bags, I was sad. Even Spike would stop and smell them, as if he knew there was important stuff there.
Today, I decided to start sorting. I wanted to go through the stuff at my house before I saw it all at the shop, as I knew there would be lots of crying. As I went through the bags, I was remembering Pam at all different times. There were shorts and tee shirts for summer, Fleeces and turtle necks for winter, khaki pants for anytime and floral skirts for spring. I will say, the tears were flowing, but as I found her bright orange Halloween sweater with the pumpkins on it and her Christmas vest and her fleece with the penguins on it and her tee shirt that said "Love" on the front- I started to smile. Pam was always into the celebration, in her spirit and her clothes. I pictured her at school on Halloween giving out candy to the kids with her orange sweater on. I pictured her on Christmas Eve at her house, soooo happy to be surrounded by her family. I see her in Michigan in her penquin fleece.
The "Love" tee shirt was my favorite. It's beatiful, it's simple and it says it all.
I will bring the clothes on Thursday to the shop and Pam's stuff will live a new life. I hope her spirit goes on with them.

Seeing Eye Dogs

I am down on Long Island this weekend because I have an interview for a maternity leave teaching position at Eastchester High School. I took Amtrak down from Buffalo. At the Amtrak station, yesterday there was a blind woman with a seeing eye dog. The seeing eye dog was a black lab. This would remind anyone of Pam. Something tells me that if she were there she would have chatted up a storm with the woman and her dog as well.

Fashion Show

At the Thift Shop, where I volunteer, we have been planning this year's Fashion Show. Today, we decided to watch a video tape of the 2007 Fashion Show so we could show a new volunteer what the show is about. When the tape started, they panned the audience and there was Auntie Pammie! Looking happy to be there and of course smiling. She had just had brain surgery about a month before the show, but she was determined to come. Eddie was in the show as "Eddie Potter" (Harry's cousin). It made me happy to see her and be reminded what a fighter she was. This was the Fashion Show that Pammie won a children's book basket. She was so excited to give it to Emma. That was quite a thrill!
We went back to my house and had rootbeer floats. A wonderful evening!

This Fall

It is officially Fall. I have been thinking a lot about Pam in recent days. Last Fall was when Pammie told us that her cancer had spread and that there were to be no more chemo treatments. I don't remember the leaves changing last year, We didn't go to Eddie's parent teacher conferences and really all I can think that I did was worry about Pammie and cry.
The Fall days last year passed by in between visits to Pam. I went up about once a week .I would have gone more often, but Pam said I must have better things to do with my time. I told her that nothing was better than spending time with her and I told her I was going to miss her so much. I told her that I loved her and that the trips that we took to Michigan were some of the funnest times that I ever had.
I am feeling anxious about the approach of the first anniversary of Pammie's passing. I am being reminded of the horrific struggle that she had and how amazingly she handled it. I want to remember the full of life Pam, not the Pam on her way to leaving us. I am hoping that after Nov 19, the happy Pammie thoughts will come back.

Love you and miss you Pammie!

Auntie Eileen

Science Sisters

Pam loved to talk about science. In all of the different teacher's aide's positions she had, she just thrived whenever they asked her to help with science. She was constantly asking me questions about wildlife and ecology...quite often well outside my realm of expertise. One time she asked me about birds on a wire. Why, she wanted to know, did birds always sit in the same direction? She would see these huge flocks of birds sitting up there near her house, and they were always facing one way.

We talked about it for a while, and decided that maybe it had something to do with the wind, or the fact that they were flying in the same direction when they all landed. Since I wasn't sure of the real answer, I told her about something that I did know. I explained Occam's Razor...simply stated, the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. I told her the classic, "if you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras." Pam loved it. She asked why she hadn't heard of it before. Over the course of other conversations, she would bring up Occam's Razor anytime we had a problem we couldn't figure out...although I don't think she ever got the pronunciation right.

She was a born teacher, as I'm sure all of her students experienced. And she was a born learner, ready and open for all ideas that came her way from others. She looked to me as an expert, and I loved her for that.

The thoughtful Auntie Pammie

Eddie and I have been on a massive house cleaning in the last 2 weeks. Eddie's room was particularly in need. We went through books from kindergarden to 7th grade. We found a number of books that Pam had given Eddie, that were signed by the author. She went to bookfairs and author talks at her school and always thought about Eddie when she thought the book would interest him. Needless to say, the books are staying.
I just found today a Cablevision tote bag that Pammie had written Eddie's name on, in her original style. The bag contained markers, a color paper memo pad, a glow sketch, mad libs book, old maid cards, a book called "Help, I'm Bored", a 3D paint set, a green match box car, 2 plastic sharks, a diver and a plastic eel. I'm guessing she put this together for Eddie for one of our car trips to Michigan. She wanted to make sure that Eddie never lacked for something to do! How thoughtful of her to worry about Eddie and get all this stuff for him. She had stuff for him on every trip we took. One time, when we were flying to Michigan (I think it was Labor Day weekend), one of the activities that Pammie packed was an etching set, complete with a very sharp etching tool. I have no idea how that got past security! This stuff has made me happy and sad today. She was so wonderful and a great Auntie!