A Beautiful Life

Pammie's very close friend, Karen Hamm, sent this lovely email to Jul and I today. I asked her if I could put it on the blog and share with everyone.

Subject: a beautiful life.....

Date: Thursday, November 19, 2009 11:17 AM

Dear Julien and Eileen,
It was so good to see all of you and enjoy time with your family on Sunday.

This morning, even as I write this, it seems surreal. How could it be a year.....a year without our precious Pammie?? Time marches on, though, and often feels cruel. I'm sure we are all reliving this day.. the grief and deep loss we felt as we released Pam into the arms of Jesus.
So, I decided that I would spend quiet time this morning with Pam in my heart and thoughts. This is a little sampling of what came to me as I sat in my rocking chair..laughing and crying, crying and laughing again.
I remembered the early days, days that Pam and I would spend playing outside. Our favorite thing to do in the summer was to meet shortly after breakfast, blanket in one hand, Barbie case in the other. We would lay out our blankets and then unsnap our cases and all the our Barbie dolls and ALL of their clothes and accessories would spill out onto the blankets that we'd carefully laid out. Then the fun began....trying on all their different clothes and fixing their hair in new styles. I was always challenged when it came time for this...so, Pam would patiently help me. She always knew how to get Barbie's hair to look cool. Then she'd help me dress our dolls, she was always done first and I would struggle just getting Barbie's arms in and out of the sleeves. Pam had a way to make me feel that she was having just as much fun as I was...even though she did most of the work. She always made me feel like the little sister who she truly delighted in. This is one of my happiest childhood memories.
Then came our teen years. We had big hair and loved to go out and buy clothes. Pam worked in Shoprite. I still didn't have a job...I was still too young to get a job. Pam got her driver's license first...she always did everything first....like she paved the way for my journey and taught me what to expect from life. I remember when she was driving on Route 6...just she and I alone in the car, and it began to rain, in sheets. We couldn't see 1 foot in front of us...and then it happened!! Pam turned on the windshield wipers on ultra fast speed...only to have the windshield wipers malfunction. To our shock the wipers changed directions and started operating off the side of the car....so they were wiping the air instead of the windshield!!. We screamed and burst into laughter, all at the same time. Picture Pammie rolling, yes rolling down the window, trying to grab the wipers and put them back on the windshield....all while she's driving and can't see in front of her. I decided to try and help and I rolled my window down and tried to redirect the wipers too. Rain was coming in the car in record speed. Needless to say, there was so much screaming we couldn't hear each other, except for the occasional....Kar, I can't see.....Oh my God, we're going to crash!! God smiled down on us and the rain mysteriously stopped. We laughed about that for years.....
Our favorite story......My mother had to go to a Christmas dinner for the ladies at church and she was slammed for time. So, Pam and I volunteered to help. She asked us if we could make the jello mold while she ran some errands. We anxiously agreed. Here we are in my kitchen, making a red and green jello mold for this dinner in the Christmas spirit. The jello was made and put in the frig....my mother comes home...Pam and I are listening to music in the living room....and my mother gasps. She took the mold off the jello to reveal BROWN jello. Obviously we didn't let the jello cool long enough and the red and green jello merged together to make this hideous brown jello....we held our breath and then exploded in laughter. My mom laughed too!! We have NEVER forgotten the brown Christmas jello mold.
Then came the introduction to Julien at youth group....and you know what happened next. A beautiful family was formed. I remember Pam telling me all about how different dating and marriage was..again, preparing me for my future. Then the children came and all the miscarriages in between. I remember being with Pam during one of her miscarriages. We both cried til we had no more tears. Fast forward to Stephanie's surgery....the days preceding this are days that are forever etched in my mind. Pam and I talked and talked and cried and cried. God worked a miracle, one that neither of us would ever forget that Sunday morning. I can remember that morning like yesterday when Steph had her surgery. I don't think I had ever prayed so hard for anything or anyone in my whole life.
As my mind reeled forward to hearing about Pam's cancer diagnosis from Stephanie and the sadness of what today represents, I thought....NO, this is NOT what Pam would want me to focus on. I can't change the pain and emptiness that is in my heart after losing my dear sister and friend, but I can change what path I will go down today. I am choosing to remember her endurance....she endured so many things in the years I knew her. But the manner in which she endured _always_ inspired me. Inspired me to keep going no matter what, inspired me to see the glass half full, inspired me to really love the people in my life. Pam had a lightness of heart that always prevailed....no matter what was happening. She had a joy that was contagious.
Pam really was my hero, someone that was bigger than life to me.
There's so much more I could say...let me end with a God Story. This year on my birthday, July 22, I was missing Pam so much. I was sitting on my deck crying because I wouldn't hear her sing to me, I wouldn't hear her say.... "I love you Kiddo", wouldn't get her "cat" birthday card, and I asked the Lord to PLEASE, PLEASE bring her close to me...let me know that Pammie was ok. I let this sadness settle in, and then I just released the wish. The following day, my friend Sandy, called and said she was sorry but couldn't get me my birthday present until today...her daughter would bring it to my office. I didn't open it until I got home that night....when I opened it I literally dropped the bag to the floor. It was a fleece blanket that was tied together at the ends, just like the ones Pammie was making in her last days for the children with Eileen. When Pam told me about these blankets she said, "Kar, even _you _could do this!!" I told her maybe someday I would, but wanted her to help me. She let out a faint laugh...she knew she wouldn't be able to help me with this...she knew she was getting so very tired. But, here on this hot July day, the Lord brought Pammie to me....to tell me she's ok.....I've kept the blanket tucked away until this morning. I took it out of the bag today, for the first time since opening it this summer, and I cried as I wrapped the blanket around my body as I sat in the rocking chair. I sat under the blanket for over an hour....being with Pammie, being warmed by her love and her spirit that will forever live inside of me.
I love you Pammie, Pamela Jean, "P.J", my dear friend and sister......
I pray you are all feeling Pam's love today.....Although she is in the loving arms of our Savior, she will always be in our hearts and our lives.

With love,Karen
--

Good Night Moon...

Much like I did with my secret stash of words I had prepared for mom's eulogy... these were the things that enter into my head before the night's sleep of a day like this....here is how a perfect morning or night would have gone on any number of ways...


-How you used to so sweetly wake us up in the morning to tell us there was a snow day.... only to have the house wake up in an explosion of excitement

-The Suisse Mocha you made before work. You let me have twice as much as you, even though you had a real job.

-Mickey Mouse pancakes made whatever day it was, possibly the best day ever.

-Just my Pooh blanket is all I still need to feel you help me drift to sleep.

-How you'd wake me up off the couch to ask if you could help make me more comfortable by taking me to my bed.

-The way you used to look in the morning; tired, tired, and happy. You were always happy to have 3 little smiles in the morning.

-How you used to check to see if I was asleep, far after you were even in bed.

-The way you used to scratch my back in the morning or at night.

Because the though of being able to say goodnight to you once more is my dream.

What is Loss?

The following is a passage from a book called "The Empty Room" by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn. Eileen gave me this book about a year ago, and I think of this every day...

Before the loss of our sibling, we think of ourselves and our siblings from the vantage point of one solid block of 'I,' an already baked cake. The ingredients cannot be neatly separated out after the fact, or identified when the cake is iced, sliced, and served on a plate. The ingredients become something else, something irreducible. You cannot see the flour, the eggs, the baking soda.

We begin with the story of the loss, then, because it is the shock of the impossible---the rude stripping of one ingredient from the 'I.' The loss is the 'before and after' marker, indicating the moment at which we are forever launched---often without understanding it---into an uncertain state in which we are continuously checking our psychic pockets for something we've lost.

This quote just speaks to me. It's exactly how I feel about the loss of Pam from my life. Yes, I am still checking my "psychic pockets" for something...still thinking that I'll call her to tell her a story about one of the kids or ask her for advice. The wonderful thing is that I have so many vivid memories, that I can hear her laugh at my story, and I know that she would tell me to "do the right thing." I am learning to embrace the years I had with her, and try not to "unbake" the cake.

One Year Ago

Yesterday, we went to St.Mary's church where the 11:00 Mass was celebrated in memory of Pam. Peg,Ed, Eddie, Jul, Steph, Chris, Nikki, Nick, Kerri,Karen Ham and me. Peg had beautiful flowers on the altar and picked out some lovely songs - I am the Bread of Life and How Great Thou Art. I cried through most of the songs. Rev Clair, who is such an amazing and uplifting speaker, gave a thoughtful, touching, perfect sermon. Life is difficult, there is a lot of pain and sorrow, the most important thing is Love, God has a place for us after all the turmoil. I am holding on tightly to my faith that the next life is the better one.

Pammie went to the better place one year ago this week. I know she is at peace. The problem is those of us left behind, who miss her terribly. I know that time heals, but one year has not healed my sadness. The empty space is too big. When I think about an entire year passing without Pam, I actually cannot believe it has been that long.

I will go to the cemetary this week to leave some colorful flowers to mark the day and remember a wonderful mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.

We miss you Pammie

Love,
Aunt Eileen