For better and worse, I have a very active dream life. Lots of details, in color, almost every night for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I even have great ideas or solve things that have been bothering me during the day. I've even had a few dreams about Pam since she passed away, but none as wonderful as I had early this morning.

I was on my way to meet some friends to carpool to a party...we were leaving some kind of conference center or something, out in the woods. Crossing a field to get to my car, I had the urge to turn around, and there was Pam standing right behind me. She looked great. She was in a green fleece shirt, she had on her glasses, and her hair looked beautiful. :) I grabbed her by the arm to see if she was real, and I could feel her. I told her that I loved her and missed her, and she told me the same. I said, "I wish you could stay." Then, I thought she said "I don't want to stay..." but when I asked she said, "No, I do! I wish I could stay." But I knew she wouldn't be able to.

Then we started walking and I realized that the field was full of purple and white striped crocuses, like the ones we have in our yard right now. I said to her, "I call these 'Pammie flowers.'" I have no idea why I said that, but she laughed! I kept telling her how much I loved her, and she said, "You are capable of incredible love." Then I did something I really regret (as much as you can regret actions in a dream). I told her I had to go because my friends were waiting for me. She said that was fine. The thing is, at the time, I didn't have any doubt that I would see her again.

So I turned and walked away, and I didn't look back. When I woke up a few minutes later, I felt like I had just been with her...I could still hear her voice and feel her arm in my hand. Over the course of the day the feeling has faded a bit, so I do hope that we meet again soon.

I have a Daisy in my house

As Steph mentioned in her blog, we recently adopted a kitten and named her Daisy. (Guess why we named her Daisy?) We wanted to remember and honor Pammie on her birthday. We thought of how she loved animals and so what better tribute, than to take in a homeless kitten. Daisy was 3 months old on March 19. She is black with white markings and her white paws make her look like she is wearing high white socks. We have had Daisy in our house for 2 weeks, and I think we may have gotten the kitty version of Brie (Pammie's very lively Golden Retriever). Just now, we were sitting watching TV and I thought I heard meowing. A search of the house found Daisy locked in the spice cabinet, sitting on the revolving shelf. Earlier today, I found her in the trash can next to our computer, frolicking in the paper. Everytime we attempt to do work on the computer, Daisy comes and sits on the keyboard and tries to follow the cursor with her paw (it's really hard to get any work done with a kitty on your keyboard). When we are eating, Daisy has to be locked in the Laundry room because she cannot be deterred from climbing on the table and walking on our plates! She loves to run around the house at full speed, chasing I don't know what. Her lively spirit so reminds me of Pammie. I think Pammie had a hand in making sure that Daisy came to our house. Daisy makes us smile and laugh. And I know that just as Pammie loved her Briejette, we will love our Daisy, no matter what she gets into next!

Geo-nuts

On a few of our trips home, Mike and I brought Pam out for some geocaching near her house. There is a lot of public land in and around Pine Island, including segments of the Appalachian Trail. I thought she really liked it, searching around the woods for hidden treasure. She was definitely a good sport...on one hunt she followed Mike WAY off trail, over a precarious rocky ridge, while I waited back on the trail in case of emergency. I have to admit, I was nervous. Mike had Emma on his back and Pam was none to steady on those rocks! But I could hear her excitement when they found the box, and she insisted that she was up for another cache on the way home.

As we approached the coordinates in the car, it became apparent that the cache was hidden in a rock wall along the left side of the road. Pam and I got out to look, but she seemed pretty nervous as I started reaching in between the rocks. I asked her what was wrong, and she admitted that geocaching was really not a good sport for her. She did enjoy the walking in the woods, but she was afraid that there would be something bad hidden in the box. "Like a bomb, or something." I started laughing at her, telling her she was crazy. Who would do that? Then out of nowhere a jogger came up behind us and said, "Hey." We both just about jumped out of our skins! I'm sure he thought we were quite nuts, poking around in a rock wall and screaming in fear of him. But then, the Clarks are used to this...being considered nuts, I mean. :)

Daisy McCrazy.

As illustrated by the title of this blog, mom loved the song "I Have a Daisy on my Toe," and rarely had a hard time finding a reason to sing it. This past week has been somewhat of a Daisy invasion. Whether it's because I'm just looking harder, or they're actually being placed for me to find, I'm not sure. I will take what I can get.

Sighting 1: In Michigan this weekend, our craft for the day was making magnets out of clay. One of the options was a pretty little daisy, which I told Emma were Aunt Pammie's favorite. After the process of cutting it , shaping it, and drying it out in the stove, I forgot it was supposed to be a daisy, and painted it like a sun. Uhhh, woops? It still counts.

Sighting 2: Aunt Eileen got a new kitty this week (sorry to spoil the surprise, but, it's necessary for the validity of this post) and named it Daisy for mommy. Needless to say, mommy would have sang this song endlessly to this little kitten, that kitty probably wouldn't answer to anything but the entire length of the song. Sung, not spoken.

Sighting 3: Best one yet. My friend Rose tore me this picture out a magazine. See for yourself.

Pammie's 51st Birthday

Today is Pam's 51st birthday. I started my day at 8:00 Mass at Holy Name of Mary. The service started with "Here I Am Lord", one of my favorites and it was sung at my friend Carol's funeral. So I started the day off crying about how much I miss Pammie and Carol.
The sermon started out about St.Joseph (it is his feast day today) and what a simple, amazing person he was. The priest then read a letter from a 15yr old boy whose father had just died.
In the letter, the boy talks about his father in a way that every parent would love to have their child speak about them. He said he knew his father loved him, he loved doing simple, regular things and his family was the center of his life. The boy even mentioned how his father liked to play with his dogs. That whole sermon and letter could have been about Pam. When I read Steph's blog about 51 reasons for missing her mom, I was taken by how the things she misses most are the simplest things. Saying "I love you", "You are pretty", making your favorite food to cheer you up. I hope I can remember to focus on the important "little" things every day. I hope that my memories of Pammie will always go back to how amazing she was. How she didn't even know it, but she was the heart of our family just by being herself. Being herself was what she did best.
So now it is 10:00 at night and I am ending my day, as I started it, crying as I think about how much I miss Auntie Pammie. Happy Birthday Pammie.

Love,
Auntie Eileen

Fifty Cents

Today I spent the morning shopping at local thrift stores, looking for treasures and trying to pass the time. When Pam would hear that I was going garage saling, she would sometimes tell me to buy her something for 50 cents. Not a dollar, that was too much...just 50 cents. Once I found her a clip-on lipstick mirror, and you would have thought I had given her a million dollars. So I figured I would keep my eye out for a little statue or a dog, or anything that I could find on the tchachki shelf to buy for her birthday.

After about an hour at the first store, I had nothing. No clothes for the kids, no funky plates, no quirky mugs. And nothing that called out Pam's name. I crossed the street to Volunteers of America and started over....but to my dismay I made it through the huge warehouse in record time, with a few clothes but no 50 cent gem. As I approached the last corner, I noticed that someone had turned up the music...the tune was familiar. After a few beats I was singing along..."I wanna soak up the sun, wanna tell everyone to lighten up!" For real! Pam was OBSESSED with this song the first time we went to SeaPointe. It had serious significance! She played it dozens of times as we scrolled through the beach pictures. When it ended, she would jump up and say "Wait! Wait! Let me start it over. Wait! I got it, I got it!"

When I realized what I was singing, I stopped in my tracks and looked over to the nearest shelf. I expected that I would see the one thing I was meant to buy. There were some blue plastic cars, an astronomy set, and two little dolls wrapped in plastic. There was a giant Barbie head with hair you could style, maybe that was it? It didn't seem right, though, so I moved on to the kids clothes and just kept singing.

After finding a few shirts for Michael, I had to walk back past the shelf, so I took a second look. All the same stuff, except for this time I noticed a little angel in a bin. A really weird looking angel. Yes, Pammie loved angels, but I was not convinced. I turned her over to read the back of the package, nothing there. Just as I was about to put her down and leave, I noticed it. My significance...
She lives with me now. And by the way, she cost 30 cents plus tax.

51 Things On Your 51st.

In celebration of mommy’s 51st birthday, I decided to compile a list of reasons I miss her. For those who were there for the funeral, you will recognize the method from my eulogy. This is a practice I started when mommy first became sick, as I never had a difficult time telling her I loved her, but could never seem to muster up the strength to tell her that I’d miss her. Here’s to you mommy. 51 reasons I miss you. One for each year of your life, and an extra for the year that you should still be here.

1. How you would beg, literally beg, to do my ironing.

2. Seeing what kind of groceries you’d bought for me to eat, each time I came home to visit.

3. The dressing room at Kohls. I’d never model the ugly stuff, but more often than not, I bought what you thought made me look “pretty.”

4. How you’d push me out of the way if you saw me doing my own ironing.

5. How you’d let me borrow anything of yours, even if you hadn’t worn it yet.

6. The way you would redecorate my night stand each time I came home.

7. How you’d let me pick which Yankee candle to light in the kitchen.

8. Watching you grill just about everything in the rain.

9. How you used to stop and get me French Onion soup at the luncheonette down the road.

10. When you hem my pants.

11. How you faced every situation with a smile.

12. How you’d screech to a stop at yellow lights.

13. How you would make me macaroni and tuna fish salad whenever I needed cheering up.

14. How I’d resist almost every book recommendation you ever gave me, and ended up loving each one.

15. Going to Panera for soup and salad after shopping.

16. How you’d lend me your new books before you even read them.

17. Stopping for buttered rolls on the way to a big shopping trip.

18. Christmas shopping at Woodbury Commons.

19. How you’d get excited whenever you knew the answer to one of my crosswords.

20. Napping to the Food Network together.

21. Planning our trips to visit all the places we’d seen on Diners, Drive ins, and Dives.

22. Hearing you sing “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” to Carol.

23. Mikey Mouse pancakes.

24. How we barely ever went more than 3 or 4 days without talking.

25. How we could be at the world’s greatest restaurant, and you’d still fill up on a baked potato.

26. Listening to the Hanson Christmas CD on our first shopping trip of the winter.

27. How you folded my tshirts so perfectly, that I was able to fit all of them in my drawer.

28. How you used to call me your “Sex & the City” girl.

29. How I used to remind you, that if you’d actually seen the show, you would not like it if I was actually a “Sex and the City” girl.

30. How you’d call me to remind me to bring all my laundry home.

31. Buying you things just because.

32. How I used to slap you on the butt!

33. Waking up to the vacuum cleaner, even if it was insanely early in the morning.

34. How you’d boil pasta for me so it was ready when I got home.

35. I love you notes in the mail.

36. How much you loved Michael Buble.

37. Making you tea.

38. How you would call me just to say you loved me.

39. How you’d always let me have the first sit of your Suisse-Mocha.

40. How you’d have Parmesan personally grated for me at the store.

41. How you’d still send me George Clooney articles in the mail.

42. How you were the only person I ever enjoyed shopping with.

43. When you’d sing on my voicemail.

44. How much you loved Stoffer's Macaroni & Cheese.

45. How you’d put chocolate chips on top of your brownies.

46. How you’d print me out recipes after you’d seem them on the Food Network.

47. Your handwriting.

48. How you’d send me $10 in a card “For ice cream.”

49. How you eventually started sending me $10 in a card “For Beer.”

50. Putting flowers by your bedside while you were sleeping.

51. Because I just miss you.