Singing in the car

I just figured out how to play my IPOD thru my car stereo (yes, I am slow with technology). I have had to drive to Brooklyn a few times in the past few days, so I have had a lot of time to listen to music. On my IPOD is, of course, The Sound of Music soundtrack (no laughing). As I was singing out loud to Do-Re-Me and the Lonely Goatherd, I swear I could feel Pam sitting next to me and singing along! Seriously, I felt like if I reached over, I could touch her! Some things will always bring Pam's spirit right to me. How nice that it is music and it made me smile.
Love you Miss Pammy!!

Happy Birthday Pam!

Happy Birthday Pam!

May your birthday party menu in heaven consist of nothing but coffee loaded with sugar, ice cream sodas and Milano cookies!

xoxoxo always.

My Birthday

Today is my birthday. I will never stop missing and wishing for that Happy Birthday call from Pam.

'Care Packages" for Nick

I am reminded that when Eddie was about 10 years old, he was going to his first sleepaway camp. He was leaving on Monday morning, coming home on Friday night and then going back on the following Monday. Somewhat of an easy way to adjust to being away from home by coming home on the weekends. When I told Pam about it, she was all excited for him and asked if she could have his address at camp. Of course I gave it to her and we had a long talk about what to do if Eddie was homesick. Well, Eddie was only at camp for 10 days and Pam sent him 2 cards and a package! She wanted him to know how much he was loved while he was at camp.
Since Nick left for Afghanistan last month, my dining room table has become a staging area to prepare my care packages for him. Candy, cookies, gum, chocolate bars, granola bars, cereal,etc.. I will try to send a package every few weeks. I know that if Pam were with us, she would be mailing something at least once a week(if not every day!). I want Nick to know that we are thinking of him and that we love him . I do this for our family and for Pammie.

"The Middle"

"The Middle"-Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

[Chorus]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

[Chorus x2]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

[Chorus x2]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

<3 RIP to the nicest person I have ever known <3

Almost 2 years

As we approach the 2nd anniversary of losing Pam, some things happened this week that I would like to share. Ed and Eddie and I have been going "The Blaze" at VanCortlandt Manor for the last few years. The Blaze is approx 4,000 carved pumpkins in every different design you could imagine (fish, dinosaurs, flowers, faces, hands, cats, spiders, pirates, etc). This year, I saw 2 pumpkins that were angels. I have never before seen an angel pumpkin at the Blaze. Of course angels remind me of Pammie and there were 2 of them (out of 4,000 pumpkins!).
In the last few weeks I have been trying to organize 20+ years of photos that I have been keeping in boxes. Last week I thought that I had found all the pictures that had been stored all over my house and I organized them by year (no easy task!).
Last night as I was looking for sleeping bag for a friend of Eddie's who was sleeping over, I went into a closet in my guest room and noticed that there were at least 5 more boxes of pictures in the bottom of the closet. Very discouraged that I would need to do more sorting, I opened the first box and what was the first picture I saw? Auntie Pammie standing in Meg's kitchen smiling (I think she was cleaning-how appropriate). It was from one of many trips to Michigan. The picture made me stop and think how many good times I had with Pam and how much I have lost without her in my life. It made me smile to see her, but sad that she is not here.
2 years is not a long time. Pam will be missed forever. I have accepted the fact that she is not here, but it still feels like there is a gigantic hole in our family that will never close. Reminders and memories of Pam will be popping up forever and I will be watching and thankful for every one.

The Importance of Aunts

I found out yesterday that my wonderful Aunt Maureen has advanced lung cancer and is very close to the end of her life. Aunt Maureen was married to my mother's brother, Harry. They had six children - Monica, Cathy, Francis, John, Peter and Jacqueline. It makes me sad to think of what they are going through now. My Aunt is in the hospital in Staten Island, her children keeping a vigil. One of my other cousin's, Terry's daughter is getting married today in NJ. Our family was so looking forward to a fun family occaision to celebrate. Now the wedding will be without my cousins and my Aunt.
When we were younger, we always celebrated the Holidays with my Uncle Harry and Aunt Maureen and their family. The night before Thanksgiving, my mom and Aunt Maureen would get together at our house and make homemade stuffing, creamed onions and various other side dishes (most of which I now buy!). My Aunt would always be cooking with her cigarette in one hand and her Cosmopolitan in the other. She always looked happy. As I got older and realized what a difficult life my Aunt had had, I admired her all the more. She had TB as a child, raised 6 kids in a small apartment in Brooklyn, did not drive, had her mother-in-law live with them for a while and for many years my Uncle Harry was a raging alcoholic. But what really connects me, is that my Aunt Maureen also helped to raise her niece and nephew, Maryellen and Terry, after their mom (her sister-in-law_Mary) died when they were barely teenagers. She (and my mom) were always there to help them with school and life, ups and downs. I know, from my cousins, that having their Aunts was really life saving. Keeping them a part of a family when there world had fallen apart.

To bring this fully around, how can I not be thinking of Auntie Pammie? In Eddie's world, she was his favorite and his biggest cheerleader. It always makes me sad that Emma and Michael will not know the wonder of Auntie Pam. I will try to be an extra fun Aunt for them.
I also hope that Chris and Nick and Steph know that Aunt Eileen is always here if they need.

Here's to all the Aunt's in the world and how much we love them!!!

Eddie's Science Award

My wonderful son, Eddie, won the Science Award at the 8th grade Awards Night in early June. We were surprised (as was Eddie) when they called his name. I was so excited for him! When we got home, I called my mom and emailed various friends and family members to brag about Eddie. Then as we were sitting down in our family room, after celebrating with ice cream sodas, I said to Eddie and Ed that I was really missing Auntie Pam because she would have been screaming with pride for Eddie's accomplishment. She was the best person to tell when you had good news! She always gave you that over the top reaction. Eddie said to me that she knew and was screaming, just in another place. I think he was right.

June Family Weekend

Meg and Emma came to NY for a visit last weekend. Peg, Steph, Chris, Nikki and Kerri all came to our house for a visit. Nick is in ARMY bootcamp in Kentucky and was very much missed. We ate and drank and swam in the pool. We did a family craft - Tie die tee shirts. It was so fun! And the shirts came out amazingly beautiful. I always think about Pam during these special family times. How much fun she would have had! I thank Pam for the incredible sense of the importance of family that she passed on to her children. Steph and Chris clearly value family get togethers. I think there are lots of people,in their 20's, who would have done other things rather than spending time with family on a beautiful June weekend.
Pam is always with us in spirit when we are all together. We did a family photo to send to Nick to show him how much we miss him. Pam would have been crying with happiness that we were reaching out to her son.
Sometimes I marvel that our family has been able to keep going since we lost Pam. And then I think that is exactly what Pam would have wanted us to do - stay together, have fun and be there for each other. Thank you Pammie!

Kookaburra Part Two

Kookaburra

We would sing...all the time, when I was little. Pam taught me every song she knew. She especially liked "rounds", where one person starts singing and then the other joins in later. There was one that went like this...

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree.
Merry, merry king of the bush is he.
Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh, Kookaburra,
Gay your life must be.

We would sing it over and over again, and I loved it...even though I had no idea what a kookaburra was. Then, many, many years later, we went to Discovery Cove in Sea World to swim with the dolphins...Nick, Pam, Stephanie and me. Part of our experience was drifting on a man-made river to an aviary, where we fed birds...sort of. Mostly Pam just squealed and jumped and made crazy faces as the birds tried to snag the food she was clutching with white knuckles. Oh, and there we met a kookaburra, live and laughing at us. It was one of those "Aha" moments for both of us and we probably scared the thing to death shouting, "Oh my GOD! That's a KOOKABURRA!" And I'm pretty sure that Pam sang to it.

On Thursday last week I took a trip to the local zoo to make sure that my Friday field trip was all set. I was just leaving the bird and reptile house when I spotted the kookaburra staring at me. Nobody was around, so I said, "Hi." He just tilted his head, so I started to walk away. Then he let out this laugh, like, ear an splitting and floor shaking laugh. I just turned and watched him...and when he was done I looked up at the ceiling, fully expecting to see heaven. In those moments, I feel her as though she is standing right next to me, smiling and laughing....of course.

March 19th

Today would have been Pammie's 52nd birthday. She was 2 weeks younger than me, I remember us comiserating as we both approached our 50th. Who would have ever believed that would be her last birthday? To remember Pam today, I went to 8:00 Mass at Holy Name of Mary. The gospel was the story of Mary and Joseph and how Joseph dealt with finding out that his wife to be was already pregnant (March 19th is feast of St. Joseph). It tells how he planned to quietly divorce her and then an angel came and told him that the baby was to be Jesus Christ. In the sermon, the priest said that a lot of things that happen in life do not make sense, that we do not understand and are not within what we thought were the "plans" we had for our life. Could there be a truer statement? It strengthens my faith that when I am sad, I go to church and the sermon seems to be talking to me directly,
It is still hard to understand why Pammie only had 50 years. So now I take comfort in the warm and funny and wonderful memories I have of time spent with Pammie. I believe that God picks his most beautiful flowers first. I believe that Pam is in a better place and I know that someday I will see her again and get one of her amazing hugs and hopefully then I will understand.
Happy Birthday Auntie Pammie! Love you!

Birthdays and Love

Sunday was Emma's fourth birthday, and we had her party at Harris Nature Center. I knew she probably wanted a girlie cake, but I couldn't see mingling the Disney Princesses with the turtles and snakes. So I suggested a ladybug theme, and she thought that was just fine. I borrowed a dome shaped pan from Aunt Laura, and dyed some white frosting very, very red. Just before I began to decorate it, Emma announced that she changed her mind, and wanted Ariel instead. I said, "Honey, if you can figure out how to make Ariel out of a dome-shaped cake and red and black frosting, then I will do it." She agreed that the ladybug was a better choice.

Pam would have LOVED that cake. Mom tells me that when I was young, my sister would decorate my birthday cakes to match the napkins. The only one I remember (probably because I saw the picture) was Pebbles from the Flintstones. It was a white cake with a perfect replica of the napkin...and it's not like she used store bought frosting! She dyed every color and used my mom's icing press. She was SO good. And let me tell you, she NEVER was late with a birthday card. Ever. I wish I could say the same about myself, but in reality, she usually just got a phone call. I did manage to get her a meaningful gift for her 50th, a donation to the Seeing Eye. Between that and the family party at the dinner theater, I am comforted by the fact that she felt loved.

Michael Buble

A very short blog. Every time I hear Michael Buble, I think of Pam. And it makes me smile!!

Ooooh Baby.

A few weeks ago I was filling the bathtub and decided to add a little baby oil to the water. I thought it would might help with that wintry dry skin, and make me feel a little more summery. Well, it's been a while since I used it, but I found a bottle in the hall closet with the kids' shampoo and lotions. As soon as I opened the cap I could picture Pam standing in front of me, in a bikini! :) Are you laughing yet?

It was a typical summer day, circa 1976. Pam and I would put on our bathing suits and drag the chaise lounges (green and white, if I remember correctly) from under the porch, and lay together in the hot mid-day sun. We'd lay on our towels so we didn't stick to the plastic. She would use that baby oil liberally as a tanning aid, and end up brown from head to toe. Ah, the days before we started talking about SPF! We would take a dip in the pool once in a while to cool off, and then she'd oil up again. I wasn't allowed to use it...I had to put on Coppertone, which in those days wasn't much better. But Mom did allow Pam to put lemon juice in my hair to lighten it up. Even then she was very concerned with how my hair (and hers) was styled and colored.

It's amazing how something so simple can bring back such a strong memory. But then again, Pam never was forgettable.

How Pam is always with me in the workplace.....

Pam has been on my mind again a lot lately. I always think of Pam at least once when I am working everyday. After Chris and I got married Pam explained to me the best way to explain to students how to pronounce my new last name.

1) D'An like Dan
2) con like ice cream cone
3) a

Works like a charm every time I introduce myself.

Family

Family is so important. Creating memories and sharing experiences and being there when you are needed is what it is all about. I just came from a memorial service for a 2nd cousin who passed away at the too young age of 54. His parents, siblings, children, relatives and friends are devastated. He was very accomplished in his life, but the favorite remembrances of those who spoke at the service were of sharing family dinners and happy times spent together.
Pam really understood the importance of family. Her favorite times were having all her children in her house at the same time. She loved taking care of them and just being with them. She lived for trips to Michigan or for Meg and family to come here.
I cannot go to any funeral or memorial service without thinking about Pam. I sadly can feel the pain of the family in the front row. I feel for them for the agony they have been through and the difficult times ahead, as the family struggles to continue on with a hole so large you can never imagine it closing.
I love my family. I look forward to family get togethers. I want Eddie to have an endless supply of happy memories of time spent with family. God Bless our family!

Christmas 1998

Dear Family and Friends,

Happiest of Holidays to you and your families! 1998 sure was the “turn around” year for our family. Julien took a transfer back to New York (as Director of Finance and Business Operations) so in July we packed up our gang (once again) and headed on back home. We had already sold our house in NY, so we were ever so grateful to be able to rent a townhouse with our 3 beasts (1 mean the dogs, not the kids). New Hampshire was wonderful and we felt sad leaving family and friends behind, but we got a great opportunity to go back “home” — and so we did!

The kids are doing great - and we’re back in the same town that we left 1 year ago, so the transition back into school was an easy one. Chris is in the 1(9” grade, about 6’2”, 175 lbs. or so and spends all of his spare time doing an internship at the local cable station taping t.v. shows. He’s already thinking about college and has high hopes for what he would like to do, but will need some “big” scholarships if he chooses a private university. Stephanie is in 8th grade, and just began training for “Track & Field” events so that she can become part of the spring track team at school. Believe it or not, she is learning to pole vault (yes, that’s right) and jump the hurdles. Miracles never cease! She got her braces on her teeth in April and finds it quite the fashion trend to visit the orthodontist to change the color of her bands. Nick is 10 years old and weighs in at about 110 lbs. He just finished his first year of football and has found his “niche” in this sport. He is proud that he never missed one of the 50 some-odd practices, nor missed any of the games won the “Coach Gallo Award” for this accomplishment. He and Steph are both now playing town basketball and it seems that just as one sport ends another has already begun.

We had a crazy summer as Julien was working in NY for 6 weeks before the family could move and then we moved in with my folks for 2 weeks until our place was ready. I’m sure they could tell you some stories to curl your hair, along with the one about us arriving at their house on a Friday night with 2 cars UI, 3 kids, 3 dogs, I bird, and oh — Julien and myself too! We were able to get a few days away as a family and went up to Maine to my Aunt Glady’ s camp to visit family we hadn’t seen in “way too long.” My sister Meg was home from Michigan at the same time and she, too, came along in the van with the dog and us as we headed on north. The kids and Meg made a “royal” attempt to water ski and Steph and Meg were the only ones in our family who got up to an actual standing position! We had a great time visiting with cousins, fishing, picking blueberries and just relaxing.
This was a busy year for me too! I’m back volunteering as the secretary of the “puppy club”, and the newest member (dog) to our family is Atlas, a “white” golden retriever who is a hefty 90 lbs. already! Our club took a trip to Hershey Park, PA with the dogs in September and it was quite a “hoot” riding the monorail and other rides with our dogs. We sure left a lasting impression! I am back working at the middle school in town, but now my official title is “intramural coach” and I work ½ the day running a sports program for the students during their lunch periods. I sure blow a mean whistle and have learned a lot about refereeing games. Who’d ever think — sports and me in the same sentence! I also officially turned 40 this year — and to prove I can do “anything’ went out and bought my first tent. I’m going to get this gang to go camping, no matter what, but I’ve not yet figured out how I can plug in my hair dryer out in the woods!

We’re hoping to be in a house sometime this coming year, and are all looking forward to spending more time with our families again!

God Bless you all .... you’re all loved and missed! Have a Merry Christmas and a safe, New Year!

Love,Pam & Company

This Christmas Season

I have been thinking a lot about Pam lately. I am sure it is the holiday season that Pam always loved so much. You can't help but remember the holidays of years gone by and how warm and wonderful they were. We put up our tree last week and the Pammie ornaments are my favorite (even though when I unwrap them, they make me cry).
-The red, white and blue painted little chair, which is a memory from making garden chairs in Michigan on our first trip there.
-The Appalachian trail marker, which is a memory from the year we hiked on a few(very small) sections of it. Pammie loved the book "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson
- A handmade (they all were) ornament with a picture of me and Ed from the first Christmas after we got engaged. The picture of me is not great, but I love it.

We also took out our collection of snow globes. If you told Pam that you were collecting something, you were guaranteed to get one from her. I told her that I decided to collect snow globes for Eddie. So, the little train set snow globe, that is from Polar Express she bought for Eddie. She read that book to Eddie one Christmas Eve. The little snow globe with the angel in it that plays Silent Night and the First Noel she gave to Eddie. When I took them out I told Eddie to never forget that these were from Aunt Pam.

Thank you Pammie for leaving us so many things that remind us of you.

Christmas Letter: 1996

December 1996

Dearest Family, Friends, and Country Folk,

Holiday greetings from Warwick, New York! Another year has flown by so quickly and as I approach that magical birthday #39, I appreciate more and more the times our family has shared all through the year (I guess I should be happy I’m not turning #40 yet). Where does the time go?

The kids have all grown so much this past year and we’ve now reached the point that Julien will borrow stuff from Chris. They now have the same shoe size, are almost the same height, but Julien still beats Chris out in “bulk” (although Chris weighs at least 10 pounds more than me)! I’m sure that it won’t be too long until they are an even match! Chris is doing well in school. He is in three honors courses and has found golf to be his sport. I’m not sure where he gets his “smarts” from - it’s sure not his mother. Next year he’ll be in high school and then we’ll be thinking about college. He is sure he wants to be a computer engineer and who knows where he’ll end up going to school. Maybe he’ll join my sister, Meg, out in Michigan! Stephanie n doing well in the 6th. grade. She played girl’s softball this spring and starts her Red Cross Junior Lifesaving Course in February. She also just began girl’s basketball and keeps me running with her love of shopping, clothes, jewelry, and her fetish for pocketbooks (all shapes and sizes). She sure is a typical pre-teenager and has a terrific sense of humor Nicolas is sports, sports, sports! We did baseball this past spring, football and baseball camp this summer, we just completed soccer, and have now just started basketball. We have already signed up for baseball this spring and who knows what else! When he is home, he hangs outside playing Street hockey and I am convinced he’ll never get through high school with his front teeth intact. He’s doing well in the 3rd grade but would pick sports over homework anytime. He, too, is tall like Chris, and soon will be a match for his dad.

Our summer was busy, but fin! We started off the summer with Chris having sinus surgery and his recovery went great! In July, the whole family went on a 4-day cable convention to Newport, Rhode Island and Julien and I even got to go out and have dinner at The Hammersmith Farm (the Kennedy’s summer home). The kids had a wild time as Disney, Nickelodeon, The Learning Channel, and The Discovery Channel came up to do activities with them. Chris even had teen nights and one night we went to pick him up and we discovered him in the front of the Electric Slide line. We were told that he had beat all doing karaoke to the song “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” (he is a country music fan). It was a vacation to remember - what a blast!

Julien is doing great at his job - traveling up to Massachusetts a lot, but really enjoying it (the regional headquarters is there). He spent his summer weekends in his garden and he’s become quite famous for the “sweetest cheery tomato.” We even grew eggplant. O.K., we only grew two, but they made the best half-a-plate of fried eggplant I’ve ever had. He and I also spent a few weekends attempting to wallpaper our entryway, hallway, living and dining room walls. We now appreciate the money paid to professional wallpaper hangers as I am not exactly sure how we got the project done without killing each other! Our most recent adventure was a trip to the city to see the Broadway play “Beauty and the Beast, which included fighting the elements of a hurricane, flooded and closed roads, and a 4 ‘/2 hour drive home!

Meg was home during the summer and we did some great day trips. We went to The Catskill Game Farm and there was a llama there that was convinced I was his mother. He constantly followed me around and knew if I could I would have brought him home. For those of you who don’t know my love for animals, we have Woody (a guinea pig that we adopted last December after we saw the movie Toy Story). That’s where he got his name from. We also have Tulip (a huge mutant bunny I brought home from the local Agway store Easter weekend). Now, you have to understand that I was sure Julien would not let me have it, so I took him from the store and showed up at Nick’s baseball practice with it to show to Julien. I was sure he wouldn’t refuse me in front of an audience of baseball spectators. His concern was “where is this rabbit going to live” and I thought I convinced him that a recycling bin would do just fine. Well, he did come home with a cage for Tulip (not for me) and the bunny has been doing great, but she is the biggest rabbit I’ve ever seen. Fm not sure if she is mixed with part dog or part dinosaur!

Now, about my dogs! We now have Gypsy, a female German Shepherd we were raising for The Seeing Eye that failed the program. We adopted her in February, and in April we started to raise another puppy whose name is Carol. Carol is now nine months old (also a female German Shepherd). The first dog we raised, Doreen, did beautifully in her training and is now a Guide Dog for an 18 year old girl who is a freshman in college down in Virginia. They are studying music together. We miss her terribly but are very proud of what she has accomplished. Now, here some the clincher! All I wanted for Christmas this year was a new puppy (to own) and the other day we adopted little “Nebraska”, an 8-week old shepherd/boxer mix. He is a little doll, but puts us up to now having 3 dogs which Julien says is the absolute limit or the divorce papers are in the mail! I’m not sure how he allowed me to have 3 dogs. It must be all that charm I ooze!
i’m still working at the Warwick Valley Middle School but am now in the Media Center (library). Part time is plenty as I’m so involved in The Seeing Eye program and running constantly with the kids. I’ve gone for special leadership training and if I could would raise 100 dogs. It’s so much fun and so rewarding!
Well, over and out for now. God bless you and yours this wonderful Christmas season. Wish we could all be together - you’re all missed and loved.

All my love and kisses... Pam

P.S. For those of you who didn’t know, I had two nephews born this year. Julien’s sister has a k new son named Joseph, and my brother, Ed, has a new baby named Eddie