I Have a Daisy on my Toe

Singing in the car

2011-05-04T20:29:00.002-04:00

I just figured out how to play my IPOD thru my car stereo (yes, I am slow with technology). I have had to drive to Brooklyn a few times in the past few days, so I have had a lot of time to listen to music. On my IPOD is, of course, The Sound of Music soundtrack (no laughing). As I was singing out loud to Do-Re-Me and the Lonely Goatherd, I swear I could feel Pam sitting next to me and singing along! Seriously, I felt like if I reached over, I could touch her! Some things will always bring Pam's spirit right to me. How nice that it is music and it made me smile.
Love you Miss Pammy!!

Happy Birthday Pam!

2011-03-19T08:45:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday Pam!

May your birthday party menu in heaven consist of nothing but coffee loaded with sugar, ice cream sodas and Milano cookies!

xoxoxo always.

My Birthday

2011-03-06T17:56:00.003-05:00

Today is my birthday. I will never stop missing and wishing for that Happy Birthday call from Pam.

'Care Packages" for Nick

2011-02-13T20:52:00.002-05:00

I am reminded that when Eddie was about 10 years old, he was going to his first sleepaway camp. He was leaving on Monday morning, coming home on Friday night and then going back on the following Monday. Somewhat of an easy way to adjust to being away from home by coming home on the weekends. When I told Pam about it, she was all excited for him and asked if she could have his address at camp. Of course I gave it to her and we had a long talk about what to do if Eddie was homesick. Well, Eddie was only at camp for 10 days and Pam sent him 2 cards and a package! She wanted him to know how much he was loved while he was at camp.
Since Nick left for Afghanistan last month, my dining room table has become a staging area to prepare my care packages for him. Candy, cookies, gum, chocolate bars, granola bars, cereal,etc.. I will try to send a package every few weeks. I know that if Pam were with us, she would be mailing something at least once a week(if not every day!). I want Nick to know that we are thinking of him and that we love him . I do this for our family and for Pammie.

"The Middle"

2010-11-19T19:36:00.002-05:00

"The Middle"-Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

[Chorus]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

[Chorus x2]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or
looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

[Chorus x2]
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

<3 RIP to the nicest person I have ever known <3

Almost 2 years

2010-10-24T10:48:00.004-04:00

As we approach the 2nd anniversary of losing Pam, some things happened this week that I would like to share. Ed and Eddie and I have been going "The Blaze" at VanCortlandt Manor for the last few years. The Blaze is approx 4,000 carved pumpkins in every different design you could imagine (fish, dinosaurs, flowers, faces, hands, cats, spiders, pirates, etc). This year, I saw 2 pumpkins that were angels. I have never before seen an angel pumpkin at the Blaze. Of course angels remind me of Pammie and there were 2 of them (out of 4,000 pumpkins!).
In the last few weeks I have been trying to organize 20+ years of photos that I have been keeping in boxes. Last week I thought that I had found all the pictures that had been stored all over my house and I organized them by year (no easy task!).
Last night as I was looking for sleeping bag for a friend of Eddie's who was sleeping over, I went into a closet in my guest room and noticed that there were at least 5 more boxes of pictures in the bottom of the closet. Very discouraged that I would need to do more sorting, I opened the first box and what was the first picture I saw? Auntie Pammie standing in Meg's kitchen smiling (I think she was cleaning-how appropriate). It was from one of many trips to Michigan. The picture made me stop and think how many good times I had with Pam and how much I have lost without her in my life. It made me smile to see her, but sad that she is not here.
2 years is not a long time. Pam will be missed forever. I have accepted the fact that she is not here, but it still feels like there is a gigantic hole in our family that will never close. Reminders and memories of Pam will be popping up forever and I will be watching and thankful for every one.

The Importance of Aunts

2010-09-25T09:00:00.002-04:00

I found out yesterday that my wonderful Aunt Maureen has advanced lung cancer and is very close to the end of her life. Aunt Maureen was married to my mother's brother, Harry. They had six children - Monica, Cathy, Francis, John, Peter and Jacqueline. It makes me sad to think of what they are going through now. My Aunt is in the hospital in Staten Island, her children keeping a vigil. One of my other cousin's, Terry's daughter is getting married today in NJ. Our family was so looking forward to a fun family occaision to celebrate. Now the wedding will be without my cousins and my Aunt.
When we were younger, we always celebrated the Holidays with my Uncle Harry and Aunt Maureen and their family. The night before Thanksgiving, my mom and Aunt Maureen would get together at our house and make homemade stuffing, creamed onions and various other side dishes (most of which I now buy!). My Aunt would always be cooking with her cigarette in one hand and her Cosmopolitan in the other. She always looked happy. As I got older and realized what a difficult life my Aunt had had, I admired her all the more. She had TB as a child, raised 6 kids in a small apartment in Brooklyn, did not drive, had her mother-in-law live with them for a while and for many years my Uncle Harry was a raging alcoholic. But what really connects me, is that my Aunt Maureen also helped to raise her niece and nephew, Maryellen and Terry, after their mom (her sister-in-law_Mary) died when they were barely teenagers. She (and my mom) were always there to help them with school and life, ups and downs. I know, from my cousins, that having their Aunts was really life saving. Keeping them a part of a family when there world had fallen apart.

To bring this fully around, how can I not be thinking of Auntie Pammie? In Eddie's world, she was his favorite and his biggest cheerleader. It always makes me sad that Emma and Michael will not know the wonder of Auntie Pam. I will try to be an extra fun Aunt for them.
I also hope that Chris and Nick and Steph know that Aunt Eileen is always here if they need.

Here's to all the Aunt's in the world and how much we love them!!!

Eddie's Science Award

2010-06-13T10:48:00.002-04:00

My wonderful son, Eddie, won the Science Award at the 8th grade Awards Night in early June. We were surprised (as was Eddie) when they called his name. I was so excited for him! When we got home, I called my mom and emailed various friends and family members to brag about Eddie. Then as we were sitting down in our family room, after celebrating with ice cream sodas, I said to Eddie and Ed that I was really missing Auntie Pam because she would have been screaming with pride for Eddie's accomplishment. She was the best person to tell when you had good news! She always gave you that over the top reaction. Eddie said to me that she knew and was screaming, just in another place. I think he was right.

June Family Weekend

2010-06-13T10:22:00.005-04:00

Meg and Emma came to NY for a visit last weekend. Peg, Steph, Chris, Nikki and Kerri all came to our house for a visit. Nick is in ARMY bootcamp in Kentucky and was very much missed. We ate and drank and swam in the pool. We did a family craft - Tie die tee shirts. It was so fun! And the shirts came out amazingly beautiful. I always think about Pam during these special family times. How much fun she would have had! I thank Pam for the incredible sense of the importance of family that she passed on to her children. Steph and Chris clearly value family get togethers. I think there are lots of people,in their 20's, who would have done other things rather than spending time with family on a beautiful June weekend.
Pam is always with us in spirit when we are all together. We did a family photo to send to Nick to show him how much we miss him. Pam would have been crying with happiness that we were reaching out to her son.
Sometimes I marvel that our family has been able to keep going since we lost Pam. And then I think that is exactly what Pam would have wanted us to do - stay together, have fun and be there for each other. Thank you Pammie!

Kookaburra Part Two

2010-05-04T22:13:00.001-04:00

Kookaburra

2010-05-03T21:09:00.002-04:00

We would sing...all the time, when I was little. Pam taught me every song she knew. She especially liked "rounds", where one person starts singing and then the other joins in later. There was one that went like this...

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree.
Merry, merry king of the bush is he.
Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh, Kookaburra,
Gay your life must be.

We would sing it over and over again, and I loved it...even though I had no idea what a kookaburra was. Then, many, many years later, we went to Discovery Cove in Sea World to swim with the dolphins...Nick, Pam, Stephanie and me. Part of our experience was drifting on a man-made river to an aviary, where we fed birds...sort of. Mostly Pam just squealed and jumped and made crazy faces as the birds tried to snag the food she was clutching with white knuckles. Oh, and there we met a kookaburra, live and laughing at us. It was one of those "Aha" moments for both of us and we probably scared the thing to death shouting, "Oh my GOD! That's a KOOKABURRA!" And I'm pretty sure that Pam sang to it.

On Thursday last week I took a trip to the local zoo to make sure that my Friday field trip was all set. I was just leaving the bird and reptile house when I spotted the kookaburra staring at me. Nobody was around, so I said, "Hi." He just tilted his head, so I started to walk away. Then he let out this laugh, like, ear an splitting and floor shaking laugh. I just turned and watched him...and when he was done I looked up at the ceiling, fully expecting to see heaven. In those moments, I feel her as though she is standing right next to me, smiling and laughing....of course.

March 19th

2010-03-19T18:43:00.002-04:00

Today would have been Pammie's 52nd birthday. She was 2 weeks younger than me, I remember us comiserating as we both approached our 50th. Who would have ever believed that would be her last birthday? To remember Pam today, I went to 8:00 Mass at Holy Name of Mary. The gospel was the story of Mary and Joseph and how Joseph dealt with finding out that his wife to be was already pregnant (March 19th is feast of St. Joseph). It tells how he planned to quietly divorce her and then an angel came and told him that the baby was to be Jesus Christ. In the sermon, the priest said that a lot of things that happen in life do not make sense, that we do not understand and are not within what we thought were the "plans" we had for our life. Could there be a truer statement? It strengthens my faith that when I am sad, I go to church and the sermon seems to be talking to me directly,
It is still hard to understand why Pammie only had 50 years. So now I take comfort in the warm and funny and wonderful memories I have of time spent with Pammie. I believe that God picks his most beautiful flowers first. I believe that Pam is in a better place and I know that someday I will see her again and get one of her amazing hugs and hopefully then I will understand.
Happy Birthday Auntie Pammie! Love you!

Birthdays and Love

2010-03-19T16:09:00.006-04:00

Sunday was Emma's fourth birthday, and we had her party at Harris Nature Center. I knew she probably wanted a girlie cake, but I couldn't see mingling the Disney Princesses with the turtles and snakes. So I suggested a ladybug theme, and she thought that was just fine. I borrowed a dome shaped pan from Aunt Laura, and dyed some white frosting very, very red. Just before I began to decorate it, Emma announced that she changed her mind, and wanted Ariel instead. I said, "Honey, if you can figure out how to make Ariel out of a dome-shaped cake and red and black frosting, then I will do it." She agreed that the ladybug was a better choice.

Pam would have LOVED that cake. Mom tells me that when I was young, my sister would decorate my birthday cakes to match the napkins. The only one I remember (probably because I saw the picture) was Pebbles from the Flintstones. It was a white cake with a perfect replica of the napkin...and it's not like she used store bought frosting! She dyed every color and used my mom's icing press. She was SO good. And let me tell you, she NEVER was late with a birthday card. Ever. I wish I could say the same about myself, but in reality, she usually just got a phone call. I did manage to get her a meaningful gift for her 50th, a donation to the Seeing Eye. Between that and the family party at the dinner theater, I am comforted by the fact that she felt loved.

Michael Buble

2010-03-02T19:07:00.001-05:00

A very short blog. Every time I hear Michael Buble, I think of Pam. And it makes me smile!!

Ooooh Baby.

2010-02-15T18:46:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I was filling the bathtub and decided to add a little baby oil to the water. I thought it would might help with that wintry dry skin, and make me feel a little more summery. Well, it's been a while since I used it, but I found a bottle in the hall closet with the kids' shampoo and lotions. As soon as I opened the cap I could picture Pam standing in front of me, in a bikini! :) Are you laughing yet?

It was a typical summer day, circa 1976. Pam and I would put on our bathing suits and drag the chaise lounges (green and white, if I remember correctly) from under the porch, and lay together in the hot mid-day sun. We'd lay on our towels so we didn't stick to the plastic. She would use that baby oil liberally as a tanning aid, and end up brown from head to toe. Ah, the days before we started talking about SPF! We would take a dip in the pool once in a while to cool off, and then she'd oil up again. I wasn't allowed to use it...I had to put on Coppertone, which in those days wasn't much better. But Mom did allow Pam to put lemon juice in my hair to lighten it up. Even then she was very concerned with how my hair (and hers) was styled and colored.

It's amazing how something so simple can bring back such a strong memory. But then again, Pam never was forgettable.

How Pam is always with me in the workplace.....

2010-02-13T10:33:00.003-05:00

Pam has been on my mind again a lot lately. I always think of Pam at least once when I am working everyday. After Chris and I got married Pam explained to me the best way to explain to students how to pronounce my new last name.

1) D'An like Dan
2) con like ice cream cone
3) a

Works like a charm every time I introduce myself.

Family

2010-01-09T19:35:00.002-05:00

Family is so important. Creating memories and sharing experiences and being there when you are needed is what it is all about. I just came from a memorial service for a 2nd cousin who passed away at the too young age of 54. His parents, siblings, children, relatives and friends are devastated. He was very accomplished in his life, but the favorite remembrances of those who spoke at the service were of sharing family dinners and happy times spent together.
Pam really understood the importance of family. Her favorite times were having all her children in her house at the same time. She loved taking care of them and just being with them. She lived for trips to Michigan or for Meg and family to come here.
I cannot go to any funeral or memorial service without thinking about Pam. I sadly can feel the pain of the family in the front row. I feel for them for the agony they have been through and the difficult times ahead, as the family struggles to continue on with a hole so large you can never imagine it closing.
I love my family. I look forward to family get togethers. I want Eddie to have an endless supply of happy memories of time spent with family. God Bless our family!

Christmas 1998

2009-12-22T09:59:00.007-05:00

Dear Family and Friends,

Happiest of Holidays to you and your families! 1998 sure was the “turn around” year for our family. Julien took a transfer back to New York (as Director of Finance and Business Operations) so in July we packed up our gang (once again) and headed on back home. We had already sold our house in NY, so we were ever so grateful to be able to rent a townhouse with our 3 beasts (1 mean the dogs, not the kids). New Hampshire was wonderful and we felt sad leaving family and friends behind, but we got a great opportunity to go back “home” — and so we did!

The kids are doing great - and we’re back in the same town that we left 1 year ago, so the transition back into school was an easy one. Chris is in the 1(9” grade, about 6’2”, 175 lbs. or so and spends all of his spare time doing an internship at the local cable station taping t.v. shows. He’s already thinking about college and has high hopes for what he would like to do, but will need some “big” scholarships if he chooses a private university. Stephanie is in 8th grade, and just began training for “Track & Field” events so that she can become part of the spring track team at school. Believe it or not, she is learning to pole vault (yes, that’s right) and jump the hurdles. Miracles never cease! She got her braces on her teeth in April and finds it quite the fashion trend to visit the orthodontist to change the color of her bands. Nick is 10 years old and weighs in at about 110 lbs. He just finished his first year of football and has found his “niche” in this sport. He is proud that he never missed one of the 50 some-odd practices, nor missed any of the games won the “Coach Gallo Award” for this accomplishment. He and Steph are both now playing town basketball and it seems that just as one sport ends another has already begun.

We had a crazy summer as Julien was working in NY for 6 weeks before the family could move and then we moved in with my folks for 2 weeks until our place was ready. I’m sure they could tell you some stories to curl your hair, along with the one about us arriving at their house on a Friday night with 2 cars UI, 3 kids, 3 dogs, I bird, and oh — Julien and myself too! We were able to get a few days away as a family and went up to Maine to my Aunt Glady’ s camp to visit family we hadn’t seen in “way too long.” My sister Meg was home from Michigan at the same time and she, too, came along in the van with the dog and us as we headed on north. The kids and Meg made a “royal” attempt to water ski and Steph and Meg were the only ones in our family who got up to an actual standing position! We had a great time visiting with cousins, fishing, picking blueberries and just relaxing.
This was a busy year for me too! I’m back volunteering as the secretary of the “puppy club”, and the newest member (dog) to our family is Atlas, a “white” golden retriever who is a hefty 90 lbs. already! Our club took a trip to Hershey Park, PA with the dogs in September and it was quite a “hoot” riding the monorail and other rides with our dogs. We sure left a lasting impression! I am back working at the middle school in town, but now my official title is “intramural coach” and I work ½ the day running a sports program for the students during their lunch periods. I sure blow a mean whistle and have learned a lot about refereeing games. Who’d ever think — sports and me in the same sentence! I also officially turned 40 this year — and to prove I can do “anything’ went out and bought my first tent. I’m going to get this gang to go camping, no matter what, but I’ve not yet figured out how I can plug in my hair dryer out in the woods!

We’re hoping to be in a house sometime this coming year, and are all looking forward to spending more time with our families again!

God Bless you all .... you’re all loved and missed! Have a Merry Christmas and a safe, New Year!

Love,Pam & Company

This Christmas Season

2009-12-16T22:35:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about Pam lately. I am sure it is the holiday season that Pam always loved so much. You can't help but remember the holidays of years gone by and how warm and wonderful they were. We put up our tree last week and the Pammie ornaments are my favorite (even though when I unwrap them, they make me cry).
-The red, white and blue painted little chair, which is a memory from making garden chairs in Michigan on our first trip there.
-The Appalachian trail marker, which is a memory from the year we hiked on a few(very small) sections of it. Pammie loved the book "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson
- A handmade (they all were) ornament with a picture of me and Ed from the first Christmas after we got engaged. The picture of me is not great, but I love it.

We also took out our collection of snow globes. If you told Pam that you were collecting something, you were guaranteed to get one from her. I told her that I decided to collect snow globes for Eddie. So, the little train set snow globe, that is from Polar Express she bought for Eddie. She read that book to Eddie one Christmas Eve. The little snow globe with the angel in it that plays Silent Night and the First Noel she gave to Eddie. When I took them out I told Eddie to never forget that these were from Aunt Pam.

Thank you Pammie for leaving us so many things that remind us of you.

Christmas Letter: 1996

2009-12-16T11:13:00.014-05:00

December 1996

Dearest Family, Friends, and Country Folk,

Holiday greetings from Warwick, New York! Another year has flown by so quickly and as I approach that magical birthday #39, I appreciate more and more the times our family has shared all through the year (I guess I should be happy I’m not turning #40 yet). Where does the time go?

The kids have all grown so much this past year and we’ve now reached the point that Julien will borrow stuff from Chris. They now have the same shoe size, are almost the same height, but Julien still beats Chris out in “bulk” (although Chris weighs at least 10 pounds more than me)! I’m sure that it won’t be too long until they are an even match! Chris is doing well in school. He is in three honors courses and has found golf to be his sport. I’m not sure where he gets his “smarts” from - it’s sure not his mother. Next year he’ll be in high school and then we’ll be thinking about college. He is sure he wants to be a computer engineer and who knows where he’ll end up going to school. Maybe he’ll join my sister, Meg, out in Michigan! Stephanie n doing well in the 6th. grade. She played girl’s softball this spring and starts her Red Cross Junior Lifesaving Course in February. She also just began girl’s basketball and keeps me running with her love of shopping, clothes, jewelry, and her fetish for pocketbooks (all shapes and sizes). She sure is a typical pre-teenager and has a terrific sense of humor Nicolas is sports, sports, sports! We did baseball this past spring, football and baseball camp this summer, we just completed soccer, and have now just started basketball. We have already signed up for baseball this spring and who knows what else! When he is home, he hangs outside playing Street hockey and I am convinced he’ll never get through high school with his front teeth intact. He’s doing well in the 3rd grade but would pick sports over homework anytime. He, too, is tall like Chris, and soon will be a match for his dad.

Our summer was busy, but fin! We started off the summer with Chris having sinus surgery and his recovery went great! In July, the whole family went on a 4-day cable convention to Newport, Rhode Island and Julien and I even got to go out and have dinner at The Hammersmith Farm (the Kennedy’s summer home). The kids had a wild time as Disney, Nickelodeon, The Learning Channel, and The Discovery Channel came up to do activities with them. Chris even had teen nights and one night we went to pick him up and we discovered him in the front of the Electric Slide line. We were told that he had beat all doing karaoke to the song “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” (he is a country music fan). It was a vacation to remember - what a blast!

Julien is doing great at his job - traveling up to Massachusetts a lot, but really enjoying it (the regional headquarters is there). He spent his summer weekends in his garden and he’s become quite famous for the “sweetest cheery tomato.” We even grew eggplant. O.K., we only grew two, but they made the best half-a-plate of fried eggplant I’ve ever had. He and I also spent a few weekends attempting to wallpaper our entryway, hallway, living and dining room walls. We now appreciate the money paid to professional wallpaper hangers as I am not exactly sure how we got the project done without killing each other! Our most recent adventure was a trip to the city to see the Broadway play “Beauty and the Beast, which included fighting the elements of a hurricane, flooded and closed roads, and a 4 ‘/2 hour drive home!

Meg was home during the summer and we did some great day trips. We went to The Catskill Game Farm and there was a llama there that was convinced I was his mother. He constantly followed me around and knew if I could I would have brought him home. For those of you who don’t know my love for animals, we have Woody (a guinea pig that we adopted last December after we saw the movie Toy Story). That’s where he got his name from. We also have Tulip (a huge mutant bunny I brought home from the local Agway store Easter weekend). Now, you have to understand that I was sure Julien would not let me have it, so I took him from the store and showed up at Nick’s baseball practice with it to show to Julien. I was sure he wouldn’t refuse me in front of an audience of baseball spectators. His concern was “where is this rabbit going to live” and I thought I convinced him that a recycling bin would do just fine. Well, he did come home with a cage for Tulip (not for me) and the bunny has been doing great, but she is the biggest rabbit I’ve ever seen. Fm not sure if she is mixed with part dog or part dinosaur!

Now, about my dogs! We now have Gypsy, a female German Shepherd we were raising for The Seeing Eye that failed the program. We adopted her in February, and in April we started to raise another puppy whose name is Carol. Carol is now nine months old (also a female German Shepherd). The first dog we raised, Doreen, did beautifully in her training and is now a Guide Dog for an 18 year old girl who is a freshman in college down in Virginia. They are studying music together. We miss her terribly but are very proud of what she has accomplished. Now, here some the clincher! All I wanted for Christmas this year was a new puppy (to own) and the other day we adopted little “Nebraska”, an 8-week old shepherd/boxer mix. He is a little doll, but puts us up to now having 3 dogs which Julien says is the absolute limit or the divorce papers are in the mail! I’m not sure how he allowed me to have 3 dogs. It must be all that charm I ooze!
i’m still working at the Warwick Valley Middle School but am now in the Media Center (library). Part time is plenty as I’m so involved in The Seeing Eye program and running constantly with the kids. I’ve gone for special leadership training and if I could would raise 100 dogs. It’s so much fun and so rewarding!
Well, over and out for now. God bless you and yours this wonderful Christmas season. Wish we could all be together - you’re all missed and loved.

All my love and kisses... Pam

P.S. For those of you who didn’t know, I had two nephews born this year. Julien’s sister has a k new son named Joseph, and my brother, Ed, has a new baby named Eddie

Christmas Letter: 1995

2009-12-15T11:15:00.017-05:00

Dearest Friends and Family (both near and far),

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Our life this past year has been crazy and hectic which is why I’ve finally graduated to this generic-type letter. I love you all and want to tell you so much, so please don’t mind that I had to jot it down this way so I could share it all.

Summer was HOT, but fun! Stephanie and Nick both did swimming lessons in town all summer and Nick became a terrific swimmer. He now lives in the 10’ end of the pool and is sure he’ll be in the Olympics someday. We did lots of day trips (the Renaissance Festival, the Drive—In, the beach) and we even dragged my morn and sister to the Great Adventure Amusement Park. We haven’t yet decided, though, if the highlight of the day was when they had to stop the Big Wheel (ferris wheel) to let me off because I was crying (what a great example I set for my kids), or when my mom got drenched at one of the water shows (the rest of us stayed perfectly dry - although Julien says he got wet too)! We didn’t really pay attention to him — we were too busy drying off my mom.

Our fall has been full of activities too! I’ve gone back to college (part time) to finish my degree and go on for a masters of arts in teaching. Boy is it tough to do homework again — but I love getting out of the house all by myself and using those dead brain cells again. I work part time in the Warwick Middle School as an Instructional Teacher’s Aide and have decided that when I teach it will be with adults (middle school kids have too many hormones flying around). Nick has just finished playing soccer after a full spring of baseball games. Chris ran Cross-Country for the Warwick Middle School — The Purple Waves and the high school team just won the New York State Championship. Stephanie and Nick both swim on Friday nights and Stephanie will be going for her level 5 Red Cross Swimming Course in February. The kids keep me running, and with two now in the middle school the homework is hard and long.

Now, about my dogs! Yes, I now have two German Shepherd/Seeing—Eye Dogs (Doreen and Gypsy). I’m a crazy woman — but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. They are my “kids with fur” and require more time and attention than all of my three kids combined. Our club is called “Pals with Paws” and I am the secretary. We meet every other Friday night to train the dogs, but spend more of the time laughing at the 15 dogs trying to get along. We’ve marched with the dogs in a parade, took them into town for an ice cream outing, have done demonstrations of them training for various organizations, and basically can take them anywhere we want to go. Doreen is due to be picked up by The Seeing Eye any day, and unless she fails the program we will not get to see her again. My box of tissues is already out and waiting.

Julien’s job is doing great and it requires him to travel some. He travels mostly to New Hampshire and Massachusetts, and enjoys every minute of it. Maybe it’s that he likes getting away from those dogs! (NO, not really — he loves them as much as me). It gets kinda hard at night, though, trying to sleep with two huge dogs trying to share the bed with us!Well, over and out for this year. I wish you all a blessed holiday and a wonderful new year in 1996. I miss you all very much.

*Note: I used Courier for this entry because mommy actually typed it on a typewriter...

A Beautiful Life

2009-11-19T18:18:00.003-05:00

Pammie's very close friend, Karen Hamm, sent this lovely email to Jul and I today. I asked her if I could put it on the blog and share with everyone.

Subject: a beautiful life.....

Date: Thursday, November 19, 2009 11:17 AM

Dear Julien and Eileen,
It was so good to see all of you and enjoy time with your family on Sunday.

This morning, even as I write this, it seems surreal. How could it be a year.....a year without our precious Pammie?? Time marches on, though, and often feels cruel. I'm sure we are all reliving this day.. the grief and deep loss we felt as we released Pam into the arms of Jesus.
So, I decided that I would spend quiet time this morning with Pam in my heart and thoughts. This is a little sampling of what came to me as I sat in my rocking chair..laughing and crying, crying and laughing again.
I remembered the early days, days that Pam and I would spend playing outside. Our favorite thing to do in the summer was to meet shortly after breakfast, blanket in one hand, Barbie case in the other. We would lay out our blankets and then unsnap our cases and all the our Barbie dolls and ALL of their clothes and accessories would spill out onto the blankets that we'd carefully laid out. Then the fun began....trying on all their different clothes and fixing their hair in new styles. I was always challenged when it came time for this...so, Pam would patiently help me. She always knew how to get Barbie's hair to look cool. Then she'd help me dress our dolls, she was always done first and I would struggle just getting Barbie's arms in and out of the sleeves. Pam had a way to make me feel that she was having just as much fun as I was...even though she did most of the work. She always made me feel like the little sister who she truly delighted in. This is one of my happiest childhood memories.
Then came our teen years. We had big hair and loved to go out and buy clothes. Pam worked in Shoprite. I still didn't have a job...I was still too young to get a job. Pam got her driver's license first...she always did everything first....like she paved the way for my journey and taught me what to expect from life. I remember when she was driving on Route 6...just she and I alone in the car, and it began to rain, in sheets. We couldn't see 1 foot in front of us...and then it happened!! Pam turned on the windshield wipers on ultra fast speed...only to have the windshield wipers malfunction. To our shock the wipers changed directions and started operating off the side of the car....so they were wiping the air instead of the windshield!!. We screamed and burst into laughter, all at the same time. Picture Pammie rolling, yes rolling down the window, trying to grab the wipers and put them back on the windshield....all while she's driving and can't see in front of her. I decided to try and help and I rolled my window down and tried to redirect the wipers too. Rain was coming in the car in record speed. Needless to say, there was so much screaming we couldn't hear each other, except for the occasional....Kar, I can't see.....Oh my God, we're going to crash!! God smiled down on us and the rain mysteriously stopped. We laughed about that for years.....
Our favorite story......My mother had to go to a Christmas dinner for the ladies at church and she was slammed for time. So, Pam and I volunteered to help. She asked us if we could make the jello mold while she ran some errands. We anxiously agreed. Here we are in my kitchen, making a red and green jello mold for this dinner in the Christmas spirit. The jello was made and put in the frig....my mother comes home...Pam and I are listening to music in the living room....and my mother gasps. She took the mold off the jello to reveal BROWN jello. Obviously we didn't let the jello cool long enough and the red and green jello merged together to make this hideous brown jello....we held our breath and then exploded in laughter. My mom laughed too!! We have NEVER forgotten the brown Christmas jello mold.
Then came the introduction to Julien at youth group....and you know what happened next. A beautiful family was formed. I remember Pam telling me all about how different dating and marriage was..again, preparing me for my future. Then the children came and all the miscarriages in between. I remember being with Pam during one of her miscarriages. We both cried til we had no more tears. Fast forward to Stephanie's surgery....the days preceding this are days that are forever etched in my mind. Pam and I talked and talked and cried and cried. God worked a miracle, one that neither of us would ever forget that Sunday morning. I can remember that morning like yesterday when Steph had her surgery. I don't think I had ever prayed so hard for anything or anyone in my whole life.
As my mind reeled forward to hearing about Pam's cancer diagnosis from Stephanie and the sadness of what today represents, I thought....NO, this is NOT what Pam would want me to focus on. I can't change the pain and emptiness that is in my heart after losing my dear sister and friend, but I can change what path I will go down today. I am choosing to remember her endurance....she endured so many things in the years I knew her. But the manner in which she endured _always_ inspired me. Inspired me to keep going no matter what, inspired me to see the glass half full, inspired me to really love the people in my life. Pam had a lightness of heart that always prevailed....no matter what was happening. She had a joy that was contagious.
Pam really was my hero, someone that was bigger than life to me.
There's so much more I could say...let me end with a God Story. This year on my birthday, July 22, I was missing Pam so much. I was sitting on my deck crying because I wouldn't hear her sing to me, I wouldn't hear her say.... "I love you Kiddo", wouldn't get her "cat" birthday card, and I asked the Lord to PLEASE, PLEASE bring her close to me...let me know that Pammie was ok. I let this sadness settle in, and then I just released the wish. The following day, my friend Sandy, called and said she was sorry but couldn't get me my birthday present until today...her daughter would bring it to my office. I didn't open it until I got home that night....when I opened it I literally dropped the bag to the floor. It was a fleece blanket that was tied together at the ends, just like the ones Pammie was making in her last days for the children with Eileen. When Pam told me about these blankets she said, "Kar, even _you _could do this!!" I told her maybe someday I would, but wanted her to help me. She let out a faint laugh...she knew she wouldn't be able to help me with this...she knew she was getting so very tired. But, here on this hot July day, the Lord brought Pammie to me....to tell me she's ok.....I've kept the blanket tucked away until this morning. I took it out of the bag today, for the first time since opening it this summer, and I cried as I wrapped the blanket around my body as I sat in the rocking chair. I sat under the blanket for over an hour....being with Pammie, being warmed by her love and her spirit that will forever live inside of me.
I love you Pammie, Pamela Jean, "P.J", my dear friend and sister......
I pray you are all feeling Pam's love today.....Although she is in the loving arms of our Savior, she will always be in our hearts and our lives.

With love,Karen
--

Good Night Moon...

2009-11-19T00:16:00.005-05:00

Much like I did with my secret stash of words I had prepared for mom's eulogy... these were the things that enter into my head before the night's sleep of a day like this....here is how a perfect morning or night would have gone on any number of ways...

-How you used to so sweetly wake us up in the morning to tell us there was a snow day.... only to have the house wake up in an explosion of excitement

-The Suisse Mocha you made before work. You let me have twice as much as you, even though you had a real job.

-Mickey Mouse pancakes made whatever day it was, possibly the best day ever.

-Just my Pooh blanket is all I still need to feel you help me drift to sleep.

-How you'd wake me up off the couch to ask if you could help make me more comfortable by taking me to my bed.

-The way you used to look in the morning; tired, tired, and happy. You were always happy to have 3 little smiles in the morning.

-How you used to check to see if I was asleep, far after you were even in bed.

-The way you used to scratch my back in the morning or at night.

Because the though of being able to say goodnight to you once more is my dream.

What is Loss?

2009-11-18T14:30:00.008-05:00

The following is a passage from a book called "The Empty Room" by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn. Eileen gave me this book about a year ago, and I think of this every day...

Before the loss of our sibling, we think of ourselves and our siblings from the vantage point of one solid block of 'I,' an already baked cake. The ingredients cannot be neatly separated out after the fact, or identified when the cake is iced, sliced, and served on a plate. The ingredients become something else, something irreducible. You cannot see the flour, the eggs, the baking soda.

We begin with the story of the loss, then, because it is the shock of the impossible---the rude stripping of one ingredient from the 'I.' The loss is the 'before and after' marker, indicating the moment at which we are forever launched---often without understanding it---into an uncertain state in which we are continuously checking our psychic pockets for something we've lost.
This quote just speaks to me. It's exactly how I feel about the loss of Pam from my life. Yes, I am still checking my "psychic pockets" for something...still thinking that I'll call her to tell her a story about one of the kids or ask her for advice. The wonderful thing is that I have so many vivid memories, that I can hear her laugh at my story, and I know that she would tell me to "do the right thing." I am learning to embrace the years I had with her, and try not to "unbake" the cake.

One Year Ago

2009-11-16T20:06:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, we went to St.Mary's church where the 11:00 Mass was celebrated in memory of Pam. Peg,Ed, Eddie, Jul, Steph, Chris, Nikki, Nick, Kerri,Karen Ham and me. Peg had beautiful flowers on the altar and picked out some lovely songs - I am the Bread of Life and How Great Thou Art. I cried through most of the songs. Rev Clair, who is such an amazing and uplifting speaker, gave a thoughtful, touching, perfect sermon. Life is difficult, there is a lot of pain and sorrow, the most important thing is Love, God has a place for us after all the turmoil. I am holding on tightly to my faith that the next life is the better one.

Pammie went to the better place one year ago this week. I know she is at peace. The problem is those of us left behind, who miss her terribly. I know that time heals, but one year has not healed my sadness. The empty space is too big. When I think about an entire year passing without Pam, I actually cannot believe it has been that long.

I will go to the cemetary this week to leave some colorful flowers to mark the day and remember a wonderful mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend.

We miss you Pammie

Love,
Aunt Eileen

Clothes

2009-10-28T17:11:00.002-04:00

Two weeks ago, Steph left 4 bags of Pam's clothes for me to give to the Thrift Shop. I am sure Pam would have liked that. After Steph left, I felt overwhelmed that I had Pam's stuff in my garage and did not want to go through the bags. It made me sad that this was some of the last things of Pam's that were left. Every time I passed the bags, I was sad. Even Spike would stop and smell them, as if he knew there was important stuff there.
Today, I decided to start sorting. I wanted to go through the stuff at my house before I saw it all at the shop, as I knew there would be lots of crying. As I went through the bags, I was remembering Pam at all different times. There were shorts and tee shirts for summer, Fleeces and turtle necks for winter, khaki pants for anytime and floral skirts for spring. I will say, the tears were flowing, but as I found her bright orange Halloween sweater with the pumpkins on it and her Christmas vest and her fleece with the penguins on it and her tee shirt that said "Love" on the front- I started to smile. Pam was always into the celebration, in her spirit and her clothes. I pictured her at school on Halloween giving out candy to the kids with her orange sweater on. I pictured her on Christmas Eve at her house, soooo happy to be surrounded by her family. I see her in Michigan in her penquin fleece.
The "Love" tee shirt was my favorite. It's beatiful, it's simple and it says it all.
I will bring the clothes on Thursday to the shop and Pam's stuff will live a new life. I hope her spirit goes on with them.

Seeing Eye Dogs

2009-10-23T16:53:00.002-04:00

I am down on Long Island this weekend because I have an interview for a maternity leave teaching position at Eastchester High School. I took Amtrak down from Buffalo. At the Amtrak station, yesterday there was a blind woman with a seeing eye dog. The seeing eye dog was a black lab. This would remind anyone of Pam. Something tells me that if she were there she would have chatted up a storm with the woman and her dog as well.

Fashion Show

2009-10-17T21:42:00.002-04:00

At the Thift Shop, where I volunteer, we have been planning this year's Fashion Show. Today, we decided to watch a video tape of the 2007 Fashion Show so we could show a new volunteer what the show is about. When the tape started, they panned the audience and there was Auntie Pammie! Looking happy to be there and of course smiling. She had just had brain surgery about a month before the show, but she was determined to come. Eddie was in the show as "Eddie Potter" (Harry's cousin). It made me happy to see her and be reminded what a fighter she was. This was the Fashion Show that Pammie won a children's book basket. She was so excited to give it to Emma. That was quite a thrill!
We went back to my house and had rootbeer floats. A wonderful evening!

This Fall

2009-09-24T20:03:00.002-04:00

It is officially Fall. I have been thinking a lot about Pam in recent days. Last Fall was when Pammie told us that her cancer had spread and that there were to be no more chemo treatments. I don't remember the leaves changing last year, We didn't go to Eddie's parent teacher conferences and really all I can think that I did was worry about Pammie and cry.
The Fall days last year passed by in between visits to Pam. I went up about once a week .I would have gone more often, but Pam said I must have better things to do with my time. I told her that nothing was better than spending time with her and I told her I was going to miss her so much. I told her that I loved her and that the trips that we took to Michigan were some of the funnest times that I ever had.
I am feeling anxious about the approach of the first anniversary of Pammie's passing. I am being reminded of the horrific struggle that she had and how amazingly she handled it. I want to remember the full of life Pam, not the Pam on her way to leaving us. I am hoping that after Nov 19, the happy Pammie thoughts will come back.

Love you and miss you Pammie!

Auntie Eileen

Science Sisters

2009-09-11T20:42:00.002-04:00

Pam loved to talk about science. In all of the different teacher's aide's positions she had, she just thrived whenever they asked her to help with science. She was constantly asking me questions about wildlife and ecology...quite often well outside my realm of expertise. One time she asked me about birds on a wire. Why, she wanted to know, did birds always sit in the same direction? She would see these huge flocks of birds sitting up there near her house, and they were always facing one way.

We talked about it for a while, and decided that maybe it had something to do with the wind, or the fact that they were flying in the same direction when they all landed. Since I wasn't sure of the real answer, I told her about something that I did know. I explained Occam's Razor...simply stated, the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. I told her the classic, "if you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras." Pam loved it. She asked why she hadn't heard of it before. Over the course of other conversations, she would bring up Occam's Razor anytime we had a problem we couldn't figure out...although I don't think she ever got the pronunciation right.

She was a born teacher, as I'm sure all of her students experienced. And she was a born learner, ready and open for all ideas that came her way from others. She looked to me as an expert, and I loved her for that.

The thoughtful Auntie Pammie

2009-09-07T14:38:00.002-04:00

Eddie and I have been on a massive house cleaning in the last 2 weeks. Eddie's room was particularly in need. We went through books from kindergarden to 7th grade. We found a number of books that Pam had given Eddie, that were signed by the author. She went to bookfairs and author talks at her school and always thought about Eddie when she thought the book would interest him. Needless to say, the books are staying.
I just found today a Cablevision tote bag that Pammie had written Eddie's name on, in her original style. The bag contained markers, a color paper memo pad, a glow sketch, mad libs book, old maid cards, a book called "Help, I'm Bored", a 3D paint set, a green match box car, 2 plastic sharks, a diver and a plastic eel. I'm guessing she put this together for Eddie for one of our car trips to Michigan. She wanted to make sure that Eddie never lacked for something to do! How thoughtful of her to worry about Eddie and get all this stuff for him. She had stuff for him on every trip we took. One time, when we were flying to Michigan (I think it was Labor Day weekend), one of the activities that Pammie packed was an etching set, complete with a very sharp etching tool. I have no idea how that got past security! This stuff has made me happy and sad today. She was so wonderful and a great Auntie!

The Family visit to Maine

2009-08-19T21:35:00.001-04:00

In July, Jul, Steph, Chris, Nikki, Meg, Mike, Emma and baby Michael came to Maine for a visit with me and Ed and Eddie. It was wonderful to have them come. Next year I hope Nick and Kerri can join us. I hope this will be a yearly event. The group kayaked (led by Jul), tubed, wakeboarded (led by Steph), and rode the Jet Skis. Emma and Michael loved being taken for rides on the Jet Skis and Mike seemed to enjoy it too! We had family dinners prepared by Nikki and Meg with help from Steph. We did a great jigsaw puzzle on the history of rock and roll (1000 piece puzzle done in 2 days!) We played Bingo. We spent quality time together as a family.
As it will always be when our family gathers, we felt the missing piece of our family, Pammie. I thought about her when we were doing crafts with Emma (felt whales). I thought about her alot when I was shopping for the weekend because she would have so enjoyed preparing and getting things together. As I sat watching the tubing and wakeboarding and kayaking, I was wishing that Pam was sitting next to me, because she loved to watch her kids have fun.
I especially missed her when we were sitting around the fire pit and Meg and Emma were singing the song " a boy and a girl and a little canoe....". I could hear Pam's voice in my head singing that song (maybe she was singing along)! Singing was Pam's specialty, and whenever Meg was around, they were always singing their old girl scout songs. Pam would have cried that Emma, at 3/12, alreadly knows these songs.
I am thankful that our family can get together and have fun and laugh. And I am also thankful that I always feel Pam's spirit with us, whenever we get together.

Love,

Aunt Eileen

Baby Love

2009-07-24T21:22:00.003-04:00

When Emma was about 8 months old, the NY clan came out to Michigan for a visit. Instead of staying in a hotel, Pam stayed in the guest bedroom (we called it the Bed and Breakfast) so she could spend the mornings and evenings with us. In retrospect, I should have briefed her on the night-time rituals, but I was pretty sure that she would not wake up to Emma's cries. After all, she managed to sleep through doggies barking and jumping on the bed every day at home!

So when Emma started screaming shortly after midnight, I laid in bed for awhile, waiting her out...that was the plan. I would go in every few minutes to reassure her but I would not pick her up. We were trying desperately to get her to comfort herself, to fall back to sleep without needing us. But when Emma's cries stopped abruptly without any help from me, I was worried. I got out of bed and went quietly to her room. There I found my sister, holding Emma and bouncing her gently.

I think I said something like, "Uh! Why did you pick her up?" "She was reaching for me," Pam said. "She was saying, up, up." I remember that the next day, Pam apologized for messing up our plan. But I guess I hope that maybe somewhere in Emma's little head she has a memory of Angel Pammie coming to rescue her when she was sad. She did that for so many of us, didn't she?

Remember the time...

2009-07-13T15:04:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago, I was talking to some friends about the types of stories that become family legend...you know, the ones that people drag up every once in a while at a holiday gathering, and everyone nods and laughs? Well, I know I missed the fourth by a few days, but this one just popped into my mind this morning...

We used to spend every July 4th with the Oswalds, or dear next door neighbors. There was usually a picnic with shish-ke-bob, coleslaw, games, and sparklers. One year, after Pam was married and Chris was a baby, there was quite a large crowd in the Oswald's back yard. Dad and Mr. O had gotten their hands on some bottle rockets, and were getting kind of rowdy (I don't remember exactly, but I'm sure there were either Heinekens or Shaffers involved). They decided that the best way to stay "safe" was to shoot of the bottle rockets from bottles they were HOLDING IN THEIR HANDS. I guess the premise was that they could make sure the rocket was pointed in the right direction.

So, I'm not sure what went wrong, but one of the rockets took a funny turn and came back towards the buffet table. Everyone dove for cover, and the rocket landed safely in the middle of Pam's pudding cake...and exploded! Vanilla pudding flew everywhere, including onto baby Chris, who was in a playpen a few feet away. I can't remember who was laughing and who was crying, but I do know that the fathers got scolded and the cake was thrown away.

I'd like to think that Dad, Pam and Mr. O were all together this 4th of July, carrying on the tradition...good times, family and friends, and love of life.

A Happy Place

2009-06-30T14:58:00.003-04:00

On Christmas Eve, my brother got word that his offer on a Maine vacation property was accepted. And this is no ordinary property. It's a cabin on Beech Hill Pond, built by my Uncle Ed many years ago. Our family spent quite a bit of time there in the 1970s, swimming, fishing, blueberry picking, and sleeping in the bunk house.

In 1998, I took a trip back there with "The D'An Clan", and one of their dogs, Atlas. The place hadn't changed much, but it did have a TV and a ceiling on the bathroom! I slept with the kids up in the loft, and Pam and Julien slept in the master bedroom. We had a fantastic week...an early morning kayak ride with Steve, Steph, and Lily was one of the high points for me. The photo below, I think, shows one of the high points for Pam. She was never one to kick a dog off the bed, and Atlas sure knew that she was a sucker for a furry face. I never knew my sister to just laze around in the morning...she usually started vacuuming or doing laundry before the sun came up. But here is a moment of pure bliss...
I hope we can achieve some of that level of happiness when we visit the place in a few weeks. It will be hard without Pammie, but we'll try.

Nick and Kerry's Wedding

2009-06-16T12:40:00.003-04:00

I know that I am very late in blogging about this, but I could not let this occasion go by with saying what a wonderful day it was. Pammie's baby boy got married! Nick and Kerry looked handsome and beautiful. The hall and food were great. The memorial candle for Pammie was sad but lovely.
I kept thinking during the wedding how much Pammie would have loved it. I remember her talking about the red dresses the bridesmaids would wear and how the flowers were going to match them. I remember looking through bridal magazines with Pam and talking about styles and colors for her own dress. I remember how happy she was when Nick asked Eddie to be a part of the wedding party. I missed her from beginning to end. My heart ached to see Julien alone at this happy event. I also kept thinking that this was the last family event that Pam would help plan.
When the DJ said that Pam had called, it was a little jarring, but to see that floor fill up with people to dance the Chicken dance in her honor was overwhelming and very emotional for me. The Chicken dance is such a happy, fun and cheerful dance. Just like Pam to love it!
Seeing Nick and Steph dance together was also very emotional, but lovely. They knew that Pam would like the dance to go on and her kids did it, even though it was clearly very difficult for them . Pam was very much a part of this special day!

God Bless Nick and Kerry!

Love,
Auntie Eileen

Pam's Linen Closet

2009-06-16T11:37:00.005-04:00

Two month's ago, Steph gave me a box of stuff that had been cleaned out of Pam's linen closet. Since we had just bought the cabin in Maine, Steph thought maybe we could use some of the stuff. A couple of days ago, I went through the box. I needed to determine how may sheets I need to buy for our 13 (!) beds in Maine. The box contained mostly bottom sheets, a pretty yellow table cloth and a plastic shower curtain with an outdoor theme(think woods and bears). You could clearly tell the sheets that were Chris and Nick's. Blue/green stripes.Very boyish. The other ones were bright yellow, blue floral, a rose pattern, bright green plaid etc. Very colorful. I called Steph to ask why there were no top sheets and she said that they did not use top sheets. She said Pam bought whatever color sheets she could find and I'm sure what ever color appealed to her that day.
I started thinking about when I was kid and our top and bottom sheets never matched and they were also very colorful. My mother, religiously, changed the sheets in our house every week. The bottom sheet was washed and the top sheet became the bottom sheet and you got a new pillow case. As my mother had 4 kids, she didn't care if anything matched and it never did. It wasn't until I started going to friends houses did I realize that sheets came in sets and they were supposed to match. So now, with my a anal personality, I use only same color sheets, so everything will always match! I need to lighten up!

Any way, I am bringing most of the Pammie sheets up to Maine. I plan to use the bear shower curtain in the bathroom and the yellow table cloth will definitely find a nice home. It is like bringing some "Pammieness" to the cabin.

Aunt Eileen

Hope

2009-06-01T09:39:00.004-04:00

We went out to the Relay for Life at the middle school here in Okemos on Saturday. We did not start a team as I had been planning, because I just couldn't fathom the "hopeful" spirit that one needs to raise funds. I do support the American Cancer Society's philosophy...after all, if you don't have hope then why bother. But we had hoped for so much more. Seven months? Please. Couldn't we even get a year? A Christmas? Another birthday, maybe?

We did want to donate to the cause, though, so we brought some money with the intention of supporting some teams by eating chocolate. We told Emma it was going to be like a party, and it sort of was! There was a clown making balloon animals (better than I can, sorry to say), a few bake sales, some games, and kids crafts. Emma made some sand art in a Coke bottle, won some candy at a basketball toss, lost the candy while we were walking around, and had a tantrum. While she was rolling around on the ground, I bought a luminary for Pam, then we went home for a nap.

That evening I went back for the luminary ceremony. It was very emotional for me...I remember at last year's relay in Grand Ledge, all I could think about was whether Pam would be around this year.During the silent lap, they had a bagpipe playing...at the end of the lap he started Amazing Grace. I'm sure there were other people crying, but it was dark...I pretended I was walking with Pam for a moment, and I tried to summon up some hope. There were a few survivors walking, after all, and they certainly need it.

What a Turkey!

2009-05-22T20:09:00.004-04:00

I cannot remember exactly why, but I did not want the Chicken Dance played at my wedding. We skipped a lot of the traditions like tossing the bouquet and the garter, and smushing cake (and/or wedding danishes) in each other's faces. But why skip the Chicken Dance? I mean, it's fun, right?

Pam used to sing some version of it, I don't even know if there are real lyrics...it went, "I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a chicken. I'd rather be a duck, quack, quack, quack, quack." We had danced it together MANY times before. She desperately wanted me to play it, and maybe that's why I didn't want to...I was on a real power trip then, declaring this and that about the menu and the guest list and the invitations. A true Bridezilla. I made the DJ promise not to play it, and Pam was so upset that she called me out in her Christmas letter! I can't remember the exact words she used (I'll find that letter one of these days) but she said something like, "My mean sister won't even let me dance the Chicken Dance at her wedding."

When push came to shove, the DJ caved. I don't know what Pam said to him, but he played that song for her after all, even though I was paying him NOT to! When they played it again last weekend at Nick's wedding, dedicated to Pam and with everyone missing her, I wished I hadn't been so stupid about it. Really, she asked so little from me, why was I so stubborn? I acted like such a little brat, trying to declare my independence from my big sister. From now on, every time I hear that music, I will flap my arms and quack for Pam, and hope she is dancing with me.

Sibling Rivalry

2009-05-04T15:54:00.002-04:00

I just finished reading a book about brothers and sisters. On the last page, there was a quote from another writer about how she looked up to her big sister. It said something like, "If she said to eat the fish food, I ate the fish food. I would do anything she told me because I loved her so much." I'm paraphrasing, but you get the point. Siblings do that, don't they? They take advantage of their position to tease, to make them feel superior.

Pam was 12 years older than me, so I wouldn't say that we had any form of rivalry. She just thought I was the cutest little thing, and that the sun rose and set over me. So the things she asked me to do were not cruel, they were not mean. They were just meant to accentuate my, well, my cuteness.

I remember her always asking me to sing for her friends and the neighbors..."Fried Ham" and "The Little Green Frog" were some of her favorites. Then there was this other thing she always made me do. She would ask me to pose with one finger on my head (like a ballerina), one finger on my nose, and stand on one foot. Somewhere there is a picture of me doing this, with a crazy blond wig on my head. Sometimes she would tell me to hop up and down. We would always fall apart in laughter...I don't know why it was so funny, but it was.

It's a good thing that Pam never told me to eat fish food, because I would have done it. I loved her that much.

2009-04-14T15:39:00.003-04:00

For better and worse, I have a very active dream life. Lots of details, in color, almost every night for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I even have great ideas or solve things that have been bothering me during the day. I've even had a few dreams about Pam since she passed away, but none as wonderful as I had early this morning.

I was on my way to meet some friends to carpool to a party...we were leaving some kind of conference center or something, out in the woods. Crossing a field to get to my car, I had the urge to turn around, and there was Pam standing right behind me. She looked great. She was in a green fleece shirt, she had on her glasses, and her hair looked beautiful. :) I grabbed her by the arm to see if she was real, and I could feel her. I told her that I loved her and missed her, and she told me the same. I said, "I wish you could stay." Then, I thought she said "I don't want to stay..." but when I asked she said, "No, I do! I wish I could stay." But I knew she wouldn't be able to.

Then we started walking and I realized that the field was full of purple and white striped crocuses, like the ones we have in our yard right now. I said to her, "I call these 'Pammie flowers.'" I have no idea why I said that, but she laughed! I kept telling her how much I loved her, and she said, "You are capable of incredible love." Then I did something I really regret (as much as you can regret actions in a dream). I told her I had to go because my friends were waiting for me. She said that was fine. The thing is, at the time, I didn't have any doubt that I would see her again.

So I turned and walked away, and I didn't look back. When I woke up a few minutes later, I felt like I had just been with her...I could still hear her voice and feel her arm in my hand. Over the course of the day the feeling has faded a bit, so I do hope that we meet again soon.

I have a Daisy in my house

2009-04-03T21:14:00.003-04:00

As Steph mentioned in her blog, we recently adopted a kitten and named her Daisy. (Guess why we named her Daisy?) We wanted to remember and honor Pammie on her birthday. We thought of how she loved animals and so what better tribute, than to take in a homeless kitten. Daisy was 3 months old on March 19. She is black with white markings and her white paws make her look like she is wearing high white socks. We have had Daisy in our house for 2 weeks, and I think we may have gotten the kitty version of Brie (Pammie's very lively Golden Retriever). Just now, we were sitting watching TV and I thought I heard meowing. A search of the house found Daisy locked in the spice cabinet, sitting on the revolving shelf. Earlier today, I found her in the trash can next to our computer, frolicking in the paper. Everytime we attempt to do work on the computer, Daisy comes and sits on the keyboard and tries to follow the cursor with her paw (it's really hard to get any work done with a kitty on your keyboard). When we are eating, Daisy has to be locked in the Laundry room because she cannot be deterred from climbing on the table and walking on our plates! She loves to run around the house at full speed, chasing I don't know what. Her lively spirit so reminds me of Pammie. I think Pammie had a hand in making sure that Daisy came to our house. Daisy makes us smile and laugh. And I know that just as Pammie loved her Briejette, we will love our Daisy, no matter what she gets into next!

Geo-nuts

2009-04-01T14:38:00.002-04:00

On a few of our trips home, Mike and I brought Pam out for some geocaching near her house. There is a lot of public land in and around Pine Island, including segments of the Appalachian Trail. I thought she really liked it, searching around the woods for hidden treasure. She was definitely a good sport...on one hunt she followed Mike WAY off trail, over a precarious rocky ridge, while I waited back on the trail in case of emergency. I have to admit, I was nervous. Mike had Emma on his back and Pam was none to steady on those rocks! But I could hear her excitement when they found the box, and she insisted that she was up for another cache on the way home.

As we approached the coordinates in the car, it became apparent that the cache was hidden in a rock wall along the left side of the road. Pam and I got out to look, but she seemed pretty nervous as I started reaching in between the rocks. I asked her what was wrong, and she admitted that geocaching was really not a good sport for her. She did enjoy the walking in the woods, but she was afraid that there would be something bad hidden in the box. "Like a bomb, or something." I started laughing at her, telling her she was crazy. Who would do that? Then out of nowhere a jogger came up behind us and said, "Hey." We both just about jumped out of our skins! I'm sure he thought we were quite nuts, poking around in a rock wall and screaming in fear of him. But then, the Clarks are used to this...being considered nuts, I mean. :)

Daisy McCrazy.

2009-03-24T11:15:00.009-04:00

As illustrated by the title of this blog, mom loved the song "I Have a Daisy on my Toe," and rarely had a hard time finding a reason to sing it. This past week has been somewhat of a Daisy invasion. Whether it's because I'm just looking harder, or they're actually being placed for me to find, I'm not sure. I will take what I can get.

Sighting 1: In Michigan this weekend, our craft for the day was making magnets out of clay. One of the options was a pretty little daisy, which I told Emma were Aunt Pammie's favorite. After the process of cutting it , shaping it, and drying it out in the stove, I forgot it was supposed to be a daisy, and painted it like a sun. Uhhh, woops? It still counts.

Sighting 2: Aunt Eileen got a new kitty this week (sorry to spoil the surprise, but, it's necessary for the validity of this post) and named it Daisy for mommy. Needless to say, mommy would have sang this song endlessly to this little kitten, that kitty probably wouldn't answer to anything but the entire length of the song. Sung, not spoken.

Sighting 3: Best one yet. My friend Rose tore me this picture out a magazine. See for yourself.

Pammie's 51st Birthday

2009-03-19T21:19:00.002-04:00

Today is Pam's 51st birthday. I started my day at 8:00 Mass at Holy Name of Mary. The service started with "Here I Am Lord", one of my favorites and it was sung at my friend Carol's funeral. So I started the day off crying about how much I miss Pammie and Carol.
The sermon started out about St.Joseph (it is his feast day today) and what a simple, amazing person he was. The priest then read a letter from a 15yr old boy whose father had just died.
In the letter, the boy talks about his father in a way that every parent would love to have their child speak about them. He said he knew his father loved him, he loved doing simple, regular things and his family was the center of his life. The boy even mentioned how his father liked to play with his dogs. That whole sermon and letter could have been about Pam. When I read Steph's blog about 51 reasons for missing her mom, I was taken by how the things she misses most are the simplest things. Saying "I love you", "You are pretty", making your favorite food to cheer you up. I hope I can remember to focus on the important "little" things every day. I hope that my memories of Pammie will always go back to how amazing she was. How she didn't even know it, but she was the heart of our family just by being herself. Being herself was what she did best.
So now it is 10:00 at night and I am ending my day, as I started it, crying as I think about how much I miss Auntie Pammie. Happy Birthday Pammie.

Love,
Auntie Eileen

Fifty Cents

2009-03-19T20:28:00.005-04:00

Today I spent the morning shopping at local thrift stores, looking for treasures and trying to pass the time. When Pam would hear that I was going garage saling, she would sometimes tell me to buy her something for 50 cents. Not a dollar, that was too much...just 50 cents. Once I found her a clip-on lipstick mirror, and you would have thought I had given her a million dollars. So I figured I would keep my eye out for a little statue or a dog, or anything that I could find on the tchachki shelf to buy for her birthday.

After about an hour at the first store, I had nothing. No clothes for the kids, no funky plates, no quirky mugs. And nothing that called out Pam's name. I crossed the street to Volunteers of America and started over....but to my dismay I made it through the huge warehouse in record time, with a few clothes but no 50 cent gem. As I approached the last corner, I noticed that someone had turned up the music...the tune was familiar. After a few beats I was singing along..."I wanna soak up the sun, wanna tell everyone to lighten up!" For real! Pam was OBSESSED with this song the first time we went to SeaPointe. It had serious significance! She played it dozens of times as we scrolled through the beach pictures. When it ended, she would jump up and say "Wait! Wait! Let me start it over. Wait! I got it, I got it!"

When I realized what I was singing, I stopped in my tracks and looked over to the nearest shelf. I expected that I would see the one thing I was meant to buy. There were some blue plastic cars, an astronomy set, and two little dolls wrapped in plastic. There was a giant Barbie head with hair you could style, maybe that was it? It didn't seem right, though, so I moved on to the kids clothes and just kept singing.

After finding a few shirts for Michael, I had to walk back past the shelf, so I took a second look. All the same stuff, except for this time I noticed a little angel in a bin. A really weird looking angel. Yes, Pammie loved angels, but I was not convinced. I turned her over to read the back of the package, nothing there. Just as I was about to put her down and leave, I noticed it. My significance...
She lives with me now. And by the way, she cost 30 cents plus tax.

51 Things On Your 51st.

2009-03-19T10:13:00.006-04:00

In celebration of mommy’s 51st birthday, I decided to compile a list of reasons I miss her. For those who were there for the funeral, you will recognize the method from my eulogy. This is a practice I started when mommy first became sick, as I never had a difficult time telling her I loved her, but could never seem to muster up the strength to tell her that I’d miss her. Here’s to you mommy. 51 reasons I miss you. One for each year of your life, and an extra for the year that you should still be here.

1. How you would beg, literally beg, to do my ironing.

2. Seeing what kind of groceries you’d bought for me to eat, each time I came home to visit.

3. The dressing room at Kohls. I’d never model the ugly stuff, but more often than not, I bought what you thought made me look “pretty.”

4. How you’d push me out of the way if you saw me doing my own ironing.

5. How you’d let me borrow anything of yours, even if you hadn’t worn it yet.

6. The way you would redecorate my night stand each time I came home.

7. How you’d let me pick which Yankee candle to light in the kitchen.

8. Watching you grill just about everything in the rain.

9. How you used to stop and get me French Onion soup at the luncheonette down the road.

10. When you hem my pants.

11. How you faced every situation with a smile.

12. How you’d screech to a stop at yellow lights.

13. How you would make me macaroni and tuna fish salad whenever I needed cheering up.

14. How I’d resist almost every book recommendation you ever gave me, and ended up loving each one.

15. Going to Panera for soup and salad after shopping.

16. How you’d lend me your new books before you even read them.

17. Stopping for buttered rolls on the way to a big shopping trip.

18. Christmas shopping at Woodbury Commons.

19. How you’d get excited whenever you knew the answer to one of my crosswords.

20. Napping to the Food Network together.

21. Planning our trips to visit all the places we’d seen on Diners, Drive ins, and Dives.

22. Hearing you sing “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed” to Carol.

23. Mikey Mouse pancakes.

24. How we barely ever went more than 3 or 4 days without talking.

25. How we could be at the world’s greatest restaurant, and you’d still fill up on a baked potato.

26. Listening to the Hanson Christmas CD on our first shopping trip of the winter.

27. How you folded my tshirts so perfectly, that I was able to fit all of them in my drawer.

28. How you used to call me your “Sex & the City” girl.

29. How I used to remind you, that if you’d actually seen the show, you would not like it if I was actually a “Sex and the City” girl.

30. How you’d call me to remind me to bring all my laundry home.

31. Buying you things just because.

32. How I used to slap you on the butt!

33. Waking up to the vacuum cleaner, even if it was insanely early in the morning.

34. How you’d boil pasta for me so it was ready when I got home.

35. I love you notes in the mail.

36. How much you loved Michael Buble.

37. Making you tea.

38. How you would call me just to say you loved me.

39. How you’d always let me have the first sit of your Suisse-Mocha.

40. How you’d have Parmesan personally grated for me at the store.

41. How you’d still send me George Clooney articles in the mail.

42. How you were the only person I ever enjoyed shopping with.

43. When you’d sing on my voicemail.

44. How much you loved Stoffer's Macaroni & Cheese.

45. How you’d put chocolate chips on top of your brownies.

46. How you’d print me out recipes after you’d seem them on the Food Network.

47. Your handwriting.

48. How you’d send me $10 in a card “For ice cream.”

49. How you eventually started sending me $10 in a card “For Beer.”

50. Putting flowers by your bedside while you were sleeping.

51. Because I just miss you.

The First Time I Lost Pammie

2009-03-18T20:23:00.002-04:00

On the day before her 51st birthday, I've been thinking a lot about my sister and our relationship. I thought I would write about a fond moment some time in the past, but my mind kept going back to the day she told me that she was getting married...I was probably 10 years old, and I guess I knew it was coming, but her words still caught me off guard. I don't remember the words she said, but I remember my reaction...I was devastated. I cried and cried, and probably made her feel awful. I loved Julien, but I didn't want Pam to leave me. She was my best friend.

On that day, she also asked me to be her maid of honor. Later, as an adult, I have often wondered if she just made that decision right then to get me to stop crying. I never did ask her, but it worked. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about what a maid of honor did, from helping at the shower to moving the train to holding the bouquet during the vows. The thing is, even through my panic, Pam understood and brought me right back in. I never did lose her, because she kept her door open to me at all times. After the wedding Mom and I were always visiting her apartment, and she would come back home at least once a week for dinner or just to sit and talk. Our relationship never wavered...I always met her at the door with a hug and a kiss. She was a great hugger. :)

Now that she's really gone, I am working every day to keep our connection alive. For what she did for me, I owe her that. Happy birthday, my sister. You are "forever in my heart."

Story Time

2009-03-13T20:09:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Emma asked me to tell her a story. I usually tell her about amazing wildlife encounters or heroic sagas about a princess named, well, Emma. Being very worn out by a not-so-perfect spring break, I just couldn't get myself to make up yet another one. So I fell back on a song-story that Pammie used to tell...I'm sure she sang it for all the kids, but I especially remember Christopher loving it.

Once upon a time in a wee little shack there lived three bears.
One was a momma bear and one was a papa bear and one was a wee bear.
One day they went a walkin'
Through the deeper woods and stalkin'
Came a girl with blond hair.
Her name was Goldilocks, and upon the door she knocked,
(Tap tap tap)
But no one was there.
So she walked right in and had herself a ball!
She didn't care at all.
Then home, home, home came the three bears.
"Someone's been eatin' my porridge," said the daddy bear.
"Someone's been eatin' my porridge," said the mommy bear.
"A-bear-bobba-re-bear," said the little wee bear,
"Someone has broken my chair, Ahhh!"
Then Goldilocks woke up,
And broke up,
The party and beat it out of there.
"So long, good bye!" said the daddy bear.
"Bye! Bye! Bye!" said the mommy bear.
"A-bear-bobba-re-bear," said the little wee bear,
And that ends the story of the three bears! Ahhh!

The tune is pretty strange, kind of like a 1960s performance art sort of piece. Of course there are voices that go along with each bear. Christopher always joined in with the little screams of the wee bear. I can see this also becoming one of Emma's favorites. It always was one of mine!

It's a Wild Life

2009-03-02T13:42:00.004-05:00

I had forgotten about this letter that Pam wrote to her local newspaper, until I found it today online. Note: I am the Wildlife Biologist Sister she mentions...

My wildlife encounter began on a Sunday afternoon, in the late fall, of 2002. I was driving home from Warwick, on County Route 1, and I noticed something darting, from my left, across the road. I slammed on my brakes (I have already hit two deer...they survived, but I was certainly shaken), but I was sure that this thing wasn't running fast enough for me to stop in time. I looked in astonishment at the huge antlers adorning its head and, no, it wasn't really running, it was kind of moseying-on across the road. When I came to a dead stop (without hitting it, thank you), I realized I had just almost hit a Moose (let's call him Bullwinkle). My sister, who is a wildlife biology professor, was certain that moose don't migrate this far south and that I had to have been seeing things. She strongly suggested that I call the DEC to inquire whether moose had actually been spotted in this area or if I had sighted a URM (Unidentified Running Moose). I must tell you that the DEC was totally unimpressed with my story and said that they would put it down as the first sighting in Pine Island that year. Now, my veterinarian, who is also an avid wild lifer, told me that once seeing the moose I should have pulled off the road, gotten out of my car, and chased it to see where it was headed. Get out of my car, chase this moose into the woods leading probably no where, and once I catch up to him, what do I do? Didn't have a camera to take a picture, didn't have food to offer him. Do you think this might have made a cool headline for the local papers? I heard moose can trample you to death should they choose to (I was not really going to take that chance). I have been told (not sure I remember by whom, though) that moose can appear in populated areas when cows are in "heat." I guess I was under the assumption that moose would only desire their own kind, but, a cow with antlers? I guess it could work! My warning has gone out that somewhere in Pine Island there is a "Moose on the Loose" and I have everyone on alert to look for another sighting. To this very day I have never run across another one of these big, furry guys, but I have my camera in the passenger seat of my car, just in case! Pam D'Ancona, Pine Island, NY USA - Sunday, October 22, 2006 at 08:03:00 (CDT)

Pam called to tell me that she had written this, and shortly after I found a little kid's book called "Moose on the Loose." My intent was to cut out some pictures and send them to her anonymously. Never got to it. But we did talk about her encounter many times, along with loads of other critters she got to know in the wilds of Pine Island. She absolutely loved living in a place where the animals would just find her!

The Bridal Shower

2009-03-01T13:57:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday was Kerri's bridal shower. A wonderful day for Kerri and Nick. The luncheon was great, the games were fun, the presents were many. Our table had a little less fun than the rest of the room, because Pammie was not there. This is one of the life events that Pam loved. She would have helped with the decorations, the favors (Pam would have handmade them) and the games. She would have oohed and aahed at every glass, blender, frying pan and crock pot. She would have helped to make the ribbon hat and it would have been the nicest ribbon hat you ever saw. We would have gone back to her house and talked about how wonderful everything was and talked about every gift. We would then have started to talk about the wedding and what we were wearing, when was Meg coming in, when we would get our hair done and what time to show up for the wedding. Instead of all these fun happy things, me and Steph and Nikki and Peg, stopped at the cemetary to put some ribbons from the shower gifts on Pams marker. We told her how much we missed her and how she would have enjoyed the day. Then we went back to Pam's house (I feel like I have to call it Jul's house now)and we ate some food and talked a little and did not comment on the gaping hole that is Pam not being there. Every single place you look in Pam's house says something about Pam. Dog pictures, kid pictures, angels. It was very hard. Pam' personality was larger than life. She filled a room by being there and made everyone happier by her presence. I miss Pam every day, but on special days like yesterday, an extra level of sadness kicks in. Clearly we will continue on as a family and celebrate all the special days, even though they will all be a little less wonderful without Pammie.
Love you Pammie!

Aunt Eileen

"Hormones" is a Four Letter Word

2009-02-23T13:47:00.003-05:00

When Pam was pregnant with Stephanie (I think?) my mom and I used to visit her during the day over at their apartment in Jefferson Valley. All of the apartments in this complex had orange doors, and Pam had decided that theirs needed a paint job. So one day when we pulled in for a visit, there she was, big belly, bathrobe and slippers, orange paint, and a big mess. There was paint on the carpet (the door opened inward), and bugs stuck in the wet paint on the door. Pam was crying. Okay, so I was just an obnoxious teenager....it was all I could do not to laugh. It was just so TRAGIC, but really it was not that big of a deal.

For years I kept that picture in my head, not really understanding what it was all about...until I got pregnant. I was just 8 or 9 weeks along with Emma when Pam and the family came out to Michigan for a summer visit. We were going at it full speed, driving all over, making the most of the week. I was having fun, but it was dampened quite a bit by nausea, fatigue, and general grumpiness. One day when we were shopping for lunch supplies, I was wandering up and down the aisles, not able to find anything I thought I could stomach. On the verge of tears, I came around the corner and bumped into Pam. She looked at me and said, "You know, mornings are not your best time." Now, at the moment, I didn't make the connection...if I had, I might not have said, "Thank you for that information!" and walked away in a snit. I really hurt her feelings.

Later on, I apologized and blamed it on the hormones. We laughed about how surreal it is to be pregnant, and how everything seems so out of proportion with reality. Over the course of the next few months, she got nearly daily phone calls from me, as I walked a mile in her orange-paint-stained slippers.

Found it.

2009-02-21T20:03:00.002-05:00

While looking for old camp pictures, I came across the poem my sister wrote for me. Here's a piece of advice...if you want someone to REALLY KNOW that you love them, write them a poem.

Knotty Love

2009-02-10T22:06:00.002-05:00

One of Pam's great life obsessions was hair...her own and everyone else's. One of my earliest memories of her is when she would wash my hair in the bathroom sink. I had to stand on a little step-stool, so I was probably around 4 years old. We had a whole system where I would turn my head to the left (I could see the shower curtain) and the right (I could see the fake plants on the counter)...then at the end she would rinse my hair with cold water, because she said it would make it shiny. She also taught me to pull a few strands through my fingers to see if it squeaked...if it did, the soap was all out.

She was always trying to brush my hair, too. She once told me that when I was a baby, I had to have this lotion rubbed into my hair to treat a scalp condition. It was oily and it ruined the way my hair looked...she said it made her so upset that she cried. That was Pam. Anything that got in the way of a good hair day was a tragedy.

One of the only fights I can remember having with her was when she insisted on brushing out some knots, and I didn't want her to do it. I was about 8. She kept brushing even through my protests, and pulled the brush so hard that it actually hurt. I ran to my room crying and screaming at her. She followed me, of course, and made up for it in a matter of minutes. She put on a record and we made up a dance routine in the living room. At least I knew that my sister would always love me, even if my hair wasn't perfect.

I bumped into St. Francis of Assisi.

2009-02-05T10:15:00.006-05:00

St. Francis of Assisi was on the front of my mother's prayer card. St. Franny was the Patron Saint of Animals, and mommy was pretty much his understudy. Walking to Madison Square Garden, on a random side street, I passed this church.

Random. Sweet. Fitting. All Are Welcome.

Time with Pam

2009-02-02T15:52:00.004-05:00

A very close friend of mine, Carol, is very ill in North Carolina. I wish that I could be there to help with her children and to sit with her at this very difficult time. When Pam was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer, I knew the time was going to be short. So I decided that I would spend as much time with her as I could. I tried to get up there once a week. I would go up mid morning and stay till dinner. Pam sometimes (in the beginning) said that I must have better things to do than to sit with her all day. I said that spending time with her was very relaxing and peaceful for me and I enjoyed her company. I also knoew that if I wasn't seeing Pam, I would be running around doing stuff that, in the end, doesn't really matter. My time with Pam was (given the circumstances) very enjoyable. One day we watched a show about buying wedding dresses, which led us into talking about getting ours. Then Pam disappeared out of the bedroom and came back in with her wedding dress, to show me how beautiful it was. She said "Do you think Steph would ever wear it?" Being the totally honest person that I am, I said with a little updating, it would be great. That made her very happy. Pam's favorite show was "Jon and Kate + 8". We watched and marveled at how Kate could handle 8 children and still seem so organized. Pam would talk about how much work it was to raise 3 children. Pam seemed to like shows about real people in real situations, she always was sympathetic to people with problems. I think it took her mind off her own issues. Pam also always made sure that there was a good dessert to have in mid-afternoon. We had ice cream, brownies, chocolate cake.. delicious!
As time went on, the conversations got more serious and teary, but still good. I am blessed to have spent the days I did with Pammie. I have learned how important it is to be there when things are good and when things are not.

Just Say Uhhhh.

2009-01-31T20:46:00.003-05:00

I loved it when Pam worked as a secretary. I would wait for her to come home in the evenings with stories about her boss and co-workers, and sometimes she would tell us a joke she had heard. One in particular was a favorite of hers...of course it became a favorite of mine because I wanted to be just like my big sister. The joke goes something like this...

So there was this guy named Roy who lived in a house in the country. Every day he would come home and sit on the front porch and take off his shoes. He left them out there overnight, and they were there ready for him in the morning. Well one day he came home with a brand new pair of shoes, and showed them to his wife. "Very nice," she said. "But you're not going to leave them out overnight, are you?" "Why not?" he replied. "What could possibly happen to them?"

The next morning, as Roy was getting ready for work, he looked out the window and saw a cat chewing on his shoes! He ran outside screaming and the cat ran away. His shoes were in ruins. Roy had to get out his old shoes to wear to work that day. He told his wife, "You watch out for that cat. Ohhh, if I catch that cat...."

That night while serving dinner, Roy's wife caught site of a cat walking across the yard. So she said........wait for it........."Pardon me Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

If you really want to make an impact, sing that last line. Mind you, I was way to young to know the song "Chattanooga Choo-Choo," but I would crack up anyway. And I would tell it to my friends, and they would crack up too...it was an "adult" joke, so if you didn't understand it, you couldn't admit it. Now that I think of it, Pam's jokes were always pretty tame...though I do remember one about farting. That's about as risque as she dared to be!

Because I can......

2009-01-30T16:42:00.005-05:00

This picture has been in my wallet since

far before my mother was gone.

It's happy to me.

Buttered Roll

2009-01-30T09:50:00.002-05:00

Mommy loved Buttered Rolls. Aunt Meg used to comment about how you couldn't get a good buttered roll in Michigan, at least not as good as the ones we have in NY. They're always good. Despite the fact that my parents lived in the middle of nowhere, the deli in "town" made some kick ass buttered rolls. Even when mommy was sick, she could always muster up up enough strength to eat a buttered roll, even if only a few bites.

I stopped at a cart on my way to work to get a roll for breakfast. Skeptical, because it was not the usual cart I'd been going to for the past few years. Subsequently, i found out the roll cost $.25 more. Completely worth it, because this particular roll would have made mom 20 different kinds of happy. Butter, Roll, Perfection.

And That's That!

2009-01-24T20:17:00.003-05:00

I remember when I was little, Pammie always used to reminisce about toys she had when she was younger. I did get some hand-me-downs, like her Barbies and Barbie clothes, but because of the age difference, I think that she got rid of many of her things before I was even born. One doll she used to tell me about all the time was "Flatsie." It was kind of a running joke, because Pam was never, um, well endowed. She would sing the little jingle, "Flatsie, Flatsie, she's flat and that's that!"

Flatsies were around in the 60s...basically they were little bendy dolls with long hair and big eyes. I guess they've made a comeback, because Emma and I found some in the Cracker Barrel gift store down the street. I told her that Flatsies were Aunt Pammie's favorite, and she could pick one out to buy. It took a little convincing, because the store has an insane amount of candy at toddler level. When we got the doll home, and found that she came with her own comb and removable shoes, she was sold. She even knows the song, though she sings it like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Oh, well. She'll learn!

Wine-O

2009-01-22T16:00:00.003-05:00

First post in a long time. Short memory that came to me...

Mommy barely ever drank. Maybe once a year, she'd have half a glass of wine, but that's about it.

When her M.S. headaches started to get worse over the past few years, she realized a little bit of wine would take the edge off.

When I say "a little bit" i mean that to the true extent of the phrase. She rarely ever made it through one minuscule glass.

One day, I must have been home from college, I'd apparently been doing the dishes. My mother had a headache that day, and had had a glass of wine at best.

Outburst #1: It apparently did the job, because next thing i knew, she was picking up handfuls of suds from the sink, and throwing them at me, hysterical laughing. Man, was I angry. One, because i couldn't get her to stop throwing the bubbles, and two, because i couldn't see why it was so f'in funny?

Once she stopped throwing bubbles at me, we watched TV in her bed. Outburst #2 enfolds.

Outburst #2. Out of nowhere, she got out from under the covers, jumped on top of the bed, took both of her socks off, and started singing at the top of her lungs and swinging the socks in the air. I cant quite remember if my father was watching TV with us, or just came to my rescue.
But, wen my father and I tried to subdue her, she would whack us with the socks and laugh

Mommy was a lightweight I suppose, but hysterical to watch, sock smacking, bubble throwing and all.

Talent

2009-01-12T20:24:00.002-05:00

Most of the songs that Pam sang and taught me were ones she learned in Girl Scouts. I was also in the scouts in elementary school, but apparently many of the songs had changed by then. One year our troop had a Daddy-Daughter party (maybe for Valentine's Day?) that involved a talent show. Pam evidently thought that the "good old songs" should be resurrected, and she coached me on two of her favorites.

One, of course, was "I Have a Daisy on my Toe," complete with a construction paper daisy taped to my shoe. The other was a perennial favorite at family functions, "Fried Ham, Fried Ham." Now, I was no stranger to performing this song...at a very young age both my mom and my sis would gently shove me from behind towards an audience of cousins, aunts, uncles and/or neighbors and say, "Come on, Meggie-poo. Sing it." I don't believe I ever had any major stage fright, which might explain my choice of occupation (college instructor). The lyrics went like this...

Fried ham, fried ham,
Cheese and bologna.
After the macaroni
We'll have onions,
Pickles, and pretzels.
Then we'll have some more
Fried ham, fried ham, fried ham!

The funny part, though, is what comes next...Same song, same verse. Cowboy language and a whole lot worse. Then you repeat the song in a cowboy accent. I'm guessing I was 7 or 8, and I did cowboy language, monster language, and English accent. I brought down the house, the Daddies loved me.

Pam had this incredible way of instilling confidence in me, even as a little kid. I knew I could do it, because she told me I could.

The Answer Woman

2009-01-09T15:58:00.004-05:00

I was talking to Steph yesterday about Pammie. I was saying that I have been thinking about her a lot because a few things have come up in recent weeks that I would have talked to Pammie about. When Eddie and I came home from a few days in North Carolina, Spike greeted us and WOW did he smell! It looked like he has an ear infection, but as it was New Years Eve, there was no Vet to be found. I was wondering what I should do and I thought, I bet Pam would have an idea. Having raised many dogs, she had an answer for every dog situation that I have ever had. She would recount how Atlas or Carol or Gypsy or Michael or etc.., had had that same problem and here is what to do.This week, Eddie was disappointed that he did not make the A team for his 7th grade school basketball team. If I had called Pam, firstly she would have been so upset for Eddie, she loved him! Then, she would have recounted how when Nick was in 7th grade, this happened and then that happened and then everything worked out OK. Or she might have told me about Steph trying out for Varsity tennis in high school and then making the JV team instead (which Steph shared with me). She had a million stories to help you through your problems.

I also miss planning with her. Holidays, trips to Michigan, vacations,birthday celebrations, we would be discussing and planning the year. Now that we will own the camp in Maine, I am sure she would have been planning to spend some time there, since she loved that camp and the time she spent there. The year now stretches out as a series of events that will happen for the first time without Pammie and somehow will not be as fun without her.

Unconditional Love

2009-01-04T20:05:00.002-05:00

When I say my sister lived a generous life, that is an understatement. Pammie really knew the art of unconditional love. She NEVER fought with me. Even though I can remember being angry at her, she never had a bad word to say to me or about me. I think I once heard her refer to some unknown person as a "real jerk," and I'm sure they deserved it. But that's the strongest negative thing I ever heard her say about anybody.

She took a calligraphy class when I was pretty young...I remember her having pens and ink that I was not allowed to touch. I don't know whether it was for practice or for a project, but she wrote me a poem with frilly swirls and flowers around the edges, and it hung in my room for years.

Sisters are silly,
Sarcastic and sweet,
Some are to thin,
Or too fat, or too neat.
Others are sassy,
Or think they're divine,
But the best sis of all
Is the one that is mine.

I did not memorize the words on purpose, it's just that I kept it on my mirror, and looked at it every day. I'm glad I know it now, because that piece of paper is somewhere in a box in the basement, and I doubt I'll come across it anytime soon. In all of my life, I never for one moment doubted her love for me. I hope I can do the same for the people I love.

New Year's Toast

2009-01-01T00:35:00.000-05:00

I don't exactly remember when Meg and Pam and I talked about this (many, many years ago),but one Christmas we were talking about not being together on New Year's Eve. So Pammie or Meg said that at midnight we should all just go outside (where ever we were) and just look up at the moon and the stars. If we all were doing it at the same time, we would actually be together for that moment. Isn't that a wonderful thought! So, at midnight tonight, me and Ed and Eddie and Spike went out on our front porch (with our champagne glasses) and looked at the beautiful sky. We couldn't see the moon, but the stars were amazing, even if it was 12 degrees and snow was on the ground. We toasted to Aunt Pammie. Happy New Year Pammie! We love you!

Love,
Aunt Eileen

On New Year's Eve

2008-12-31T13:39:00.000-05:00

When Pam's kids were younger, I spent quite a few New Year's Eves "partying" at their place. Pam would buy a bunch of heat-and-serve hors d'oeuvres, and we would eat them in shifts through the night...pizza rolls at 8, pigs-in-a-blanket at 9, and so on. There was usually a cheese ball, and some flavor of sparkling juice so that we could pretend like we were drinking champagne. There was a box of hats and noisemakers that always appeared, and midnight was a flurry of jumping, screaming, confetti, and poking fun at Dick Clark. One year, apparently, somebody (whose arms are those in the background?) thought it would be cute to put a hat on Doreen (or is that Carol?)...she doesn't look amused. Now, Pam was never a "night person." As long as I can remember, she always went to bed quite early, and New Year's Eve was always a struggle for her. Some time after the 10 o'clock food, she would wrap herself up in the nearest blanket and start to drift off to sleep on the couch. She would make us promise to wake her at midnight, but that was never easy. She would grumpily sit up, give a half-hearted "Yippee," and kiss everyone on her way to bed. I was not surprised to find this picture of Pam and friends, at a raucous blast at their house in New Hampshire (year?). I'm not sure if this was taken before or after her New Year's Nap, but notice that she is not motivated to tell the dog to get off the coffee table...but now that I think of it, did she ever tell a dog to get off the coffee table anyway? Happy New Year, Pammie!

On Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T08:09:00.000-05:00

There's a lot to be said for someone who will just dance...let loose, unembarrassed, worrying about nothing except having a good old time. Pammie would dance anytime, anywhere. Just turn on the music, and off she went.

Christmas Eves at the Clarks were always a blast, with the traditional food, drink, and visit by the Oswalds. Other neighbors came and went over the years, but the Clarks and Oswalds were ALWAYS together on Christmas Eve. One year Pam had the great idea of adding dancing to the party. She brought a CD from home and organized a raucous dance of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." It involved making giant rings with your arms, drumming imaginary drums, and twirling like a ballerina.

The idea was met with mixed reviews...some of us loved it, some of us not so much. But even the audience had a ball, laughing and rolling on the floor as we imitated the geese-a-laying. We probably did this 3 or 4 years in a row, with various people joining in or sitting out. One of the pics below even shows Stephanie in her "I don't know these people" phase, but I'm sure she danced with us at least once. I couldn't find a picture of it, but Paul Oswald joined in too at some point, with belly laughs and broken English.

I have to believe that Heaven is full of dancing. I'm not sure if the Angels do it differently than we did, maybe even reverently and with grace. But this Christmas, maybe Paulie and Pam are teaching them the basics, like how to balance on one foot as you imitate a partridge in a pear tree.

Christmas Eve's Gone By

2008-12-23T23:33:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to remember the Christmas Eve's of my past (I sound like I should be in a Christmas Carol). When I was a kid, Christmas Eve was a quiet evening, my family celebrated Christmas Day. On Christmas Eve my father would come home from work at about 3pm and say, "Ok, let's go shopping for mommy's Christmas presents". So me and I think my sister would go to Macy's or Sears with my dad and help him pick out PJ's, a robe, slippers and maybe some jewelry. I then remember watching the Yule Log burn on Channel 9. I said it was quiet.
When I married Ed, I became a part of the Clark/Oswald Christmas Eve celebration. There were lots of presents, good OD's to eat (swedish meatball, little pizza's, little hot dogs, homemade cookies etc) and even for a year or 2 wild dancing to the 12 Days of Christmas (Pammie especially loved the crazy hand motions for each day). Then a few years ago, the Clark Christmas Eve celebration abruptly ended. Peg said it was too much work, we offered to help, but she declined to continue what I think had been going on for quite a few years before I came in. Pammie was quite upset that this traditon was ending. That first Christmas Eve without a place to go, I felt a little lost. We ended up going to a Christmas Eve kids service with our nieghbors (Jackie and Raul) and then going back to their house for a glass of wine. I thought, Ok, maybe we will do this now for Christmas Eve, but in the spring Jackie and Raul moved to Panama, so that ended that.
Then Pammie said she would like to host Christmas Eve at her house. We said great! She and Jul prepared mostly the same food, we had a few less people, but instead of crazy dancing, we had many crazy dogs to occupy us. So we now had a new place for Christmas Eve. Steph, Nick and Chris and Eddie were always up for games and it was always a fun time.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we sadly again find ourselves looking for the right place to be.
We (I actually) decided that we will go to Christmas Eve service at my church. We will sing Christmas Carols (I am sure I will cry), but it seems like the right place to be. Thank you Lord for always giving us a place to be when we feel lost.
Pammie this year talked about hosting this Christmas Eve. She had said she would cater food, because it would be easier and asked if we would come. I said "Pammie if you are hosting, I am coming".
I am grateful for the wonderful memories of Christmas Eve's gone by. Miss you, Auntie Pammie, Merry Christmas.

Love,

Auntie Eileen

Yes, I think I will pet that dog in the pet store.

2008-12-23T15:32:00.000-05:00

Mommy was a notorious dog lover. I mean, like uber-crazy in love. Seriously people, it was like she had the south pole of a magnet embedded in her hand, and ever dog's head was the north pole of another magnet. The love didn't stop at her own, as she couldn't never resist a dog that came in the proximity, possibly even crossing the road to do so.

The place where her desire to stalk down random dogs was most obviously, the pet store (enter chain name here). As an young teen, going to the pet store with mommy was not on the top of my list, as embarrassment was an necessary badge of honor for teens, and what ensued at the pet store was inevitable embarrasment. She'd stop by every dog, get down on the floor, pet the dog, talk to the dog, and yes, let the dog lick her face. Enter stage left: Me. I can remember literally pulling on her arm for her to stand up, mumbling under my breath, or possibly, even taking the cart and proceeding to shop without her.

The only reason I don't feel bad about this previous stage of embarrassment, is that through such persistence, mommy broke me down until I was an equal partner in crime. Sooner enough, I ended up joining my mother on the floor, talking to and petting random dogs, and yes, letting them lick my face.

Today I took the train over to the West Side to go to Petland Discounts. I needed to keep up mommy's regular tradition of buying toys for all the animals in the family, half brothers included(that's you Block Head, if you're reading this). In the toy section, I turned around and there was a nice friendly looking doggy and their human. I felt an instant rush in my veins. I say this in all seriousness, like a magnetic pull to this animal. I asked politely if I could pet him. I stayed and talked the owner for a few minutes, and gave Vito some pats (Vito was the dog) and said goodbye.

I honestly feel that rush in my veins and the hotness in my face was mommy pulling me over to the doggy. I love that she was uber-crazy in love with dogs, and I'm 100% proud to be inheriting this trait from mommy.

I sometimes name random dogs in my head when I see them passing on the street.

Catching you up on Pam sightings

2008-12-22T07:33:00.001-05:00

The Monday after Pam's funeral was my first day back at work. In my "Participation in Government" class we were talking about community service so I started babbling about all of the seeing eye dogs of course. It felt empowering to talk about it but it was too hard for me to keep going for long so I had to stop.

The first weekend in December Chris and I did a bunch of Christmas shopping. We were in Bed, Bath and Beyond. There was this huge set of about 100 cookie cutters. There were letters, numbers and all sorts of colorful ones. I wanted to buy them for her so so so so bad. Needless to say I was all teared up the whole way to Best Buy.

In Wegman's last weekend I saw a bunch of Christmas cards inspired by the 12 days of Christmas. The punchline obviously is that each one was inspired by a different breed of dog. They were so cute. There was of course one about German Shepherds. Oh man did I want to give it to her.

I participated in a Cookie Exchange at work. I baked 12 dozen cookies for people and received that many in return. Chris and I will be bringing half of them to Ed and Eileen's for all of you to enjoy. I am generally calm but I was definitely getting frustrated after awhile. It was definitely the sort of task would have completed more happily and calmly than I.

Chris and I have had a hard time accepting that we can not physically talk to her. I honestly have "prayed" to her before I go to sleep almost every night for the past month. I am not religious in any sense of the word but it helps right now.

After reading all of your posts, a funny conversation I had with her awhile ago is coming to mind. Fall 2007 was the last time Pam, Julien (and Nick too) I believe made it up to Buffalo to visit us. We were all in this fabulous used bookstore. Pam and I really had to go. We went in some pizza place. We left. She said something like "You know when you are pregnant one day you will have to pee a million times a day." I remember laughing at the time. It still is funny even though its obviously bittersweet now. I would be willing to have this converaation every day until Chris and I have a child one day if it meant she were still here. (I recognize this might be the strangest things posted to this blog yet lol).

Love you all!

P.S. I have huge feet. I do not think I could fit a daisy between my toe. lol. Love the story behind the name though.

Christmas Traditions

2008-12-15T22:17:00.000-05:00

Since I have been with my husband, Uncle Ed, (Pammie's brother), every Christmas has had the highlight of a visit with Aunt Meg. First Aunt Meg alone, then Aunt Meg and Uncle Mike, then Aunt Meg, Uncle Mike and Emma and now Aunt Meg, Uncle Mike and Emma and baby Michael. This year will be the first year in 17 years that we will not be together. While I totally understand why it is not happening, it still feels like a tradition is changing. Many people have told me that when there is a loss in a family, things change and new traditions are started. I hope to make personally sure that we do start some new traditions.
I guess the first holidays will be the hardest. I remember last year Pammie and I and Big Grandma and Eddie were planning our day after Christmas trip to Michigan and we were very excited about it. Believe it or not, with Pammie in the car I looked forward to the trip. There were good snacks, good conversation and music to sing out loud to ( the Sound of Music soundtrack was a favorite). Who would think I would miss a 12 hour car ride? This year I even got a new car with a great GPS system, so I wouldn't have to stress Pammie about following the directions from our map quest sheet. That was the one thing Pammie needed a little help with. I remember once, we were near Cleveland and I knew an exit or turn was coming up and I said to Pammie, "What do I do?" She proceeded to start at Step 1 of the directions and told me to make a left turn at the end of my street! I said (very excitedly) "Pam, we are in Ohio! Skip to the middle of the Page!" From then on, Pammie would hold a marker (for the full 12 hours) and cross out the turns we made, so we would always be up to date in the directions. The first time we drove out there, Nick and Eddie were with us and I remember deputizing Nick to be the co-captain of the trip and he took over the reading of the directions. I hope Pammie wasn't too upset about that. I think she understood my anal and controling tendencies.

Anyway, so we are going to Michigan in January instead of December. I am just happy we are going. Maybe a new tradition has begun.

Love,
Aunt Eileen

Wake Up Call

2008-12-15T21:46:00.000-05:00

Growing up, managing the morning bathroom time was a challenge...two parents, two teenagers and a five year old sharing a bath and a half. There was some routine of who got to use the potty when, but all I knew was that Pam would wake me every morning when it was my turn. She would come to my door and sing, of course...lots of different songs, but I remember this one best...

When cows wake up in the morning, they always say "Good day!"
When cows wake up in the morning, they always say "Good day!"
"Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo!"
That is what they say, they say,
"Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo!"
That is what they say.

That would continue with a sheep, a dog, a cat, and even a fish. The fish would just make a fish face, since fish don't talk. Pam was very good at the fish face. I can picture my view of her from my bed. She would stand in the doorway, and sometimes she would take the stuffed animals off of my shelves and they would do the singing. Sure beats an alarm clock. :)

Little tree in a pot. With ornaments.

2008-12-14T20:40:00.001-05:00

Aunt Eileen came over yesterday. I'd promised mommy long ago that I'd make sure the house was decorated, and I'd recruited Aunt Eileen to help, because she's just plain great at stuff like that. While mom usually went all out for Christmas decorating, we decided it'd be a bit less overwhelming if we kept it simple, but keeping mom-esque feel. Aunt Meg had helped mom buy a beautiful (seriously, it looks gorgeous) little tree. It's small and potted, and we put it on a little table (with a star tablecloth mommy picked out) in front of the window. The tree is small, so it couldn't hold a lot of ornaments. Christmas ornaments a a really important part of the D/C/E family tradition, made more so when a few years ago the women in the family started giving each other ornaments with significance. We never had too many fancy ornaments growing up, as mom much preferred still using the ones we used our whole lives, mostly the ones me the brothers made growing up. Since it wasn't even a conceivable option to not put out ornaments, I found that the ribbon tied around the base of the tree's pot was sufficient enough to hang some ornaments off of. Again, it's small, so I had to be selective. Here's the one's that made the cut;

- The "Chris" Ornament - An ornament Chris made probably at the age of 4 or 5, a cardboard wheel with painted macaroni pasted to it, tied with yarn

- The "Stephanie" Ornament - Basically an ornament I'd made in 1st or second grade, consisting of picture of me, framed with popsicle sticks.

-The "Nick" Ornament - Much like my own, his was a picture of himself pasted to some sort of laminated paper he'd colored on. This is absolutely one of my favorite ornaments ever. Most of you knew Nick as a kid, for those who don't, imagine probably the cutest 4/5 year old ever, with a honkin' pair of glasses. Seriously, cutest kid ever. No, I'm serious.

-The "Snot" Ornament - OK, no, we're not that gross people. We had this set of glow in the dark plastic"icicle" ornaments as kids, but have since lost the glow after probably 20 odd years. So, the snot part. These ornaments look like big boogers. My brothers and I found this to be the best part of decorating, and I recollect the tree of us all but elbowing and clothes-lining each other to get to these snot-sicles. Whoever got it would hide it in their hands, and proceed "sneezing" and flicking the 4 others with the snot-sicle.

While decorating a tree won't ever be the same, I cant help but think that mom would be pretty darn happy with the job we did.

-The "Emma" Ornament -This is a little circle/bell shaped piece of wood little cousin Emma painted last year. My mom loved this little girl like you can't even imagine, and, the kid's a friggin' genius, so I'm pretty sure the ornament will be worth money some day.

-The "Wedding" Ornament - As part of the ornament trade, the Christmas after Aunt Meg got married made an amazing wedding themed ornament. It's a glass ball with ribbons inside that go along with the colors of her wedding. Actually, they may be ribbon actually from her wedding, but Aunt Meg will have to validate that statement, as i often daydream things and believe them to be true.

-The "Chair" Ornament - On a trip to Michigan to visit the Elias' I'd missed, the family painted old chairs with designs, to use as garden decor and elsewhere. I guess this was a pretty significant thing, because that year at the ornament trade, both Aunt Eileen and Mommy made chair ornaments for everyone. The one hanging up is one cousin Eddie made.

-The "Seapoint" Ornament - Off and on for the 5 or 6 years, my family has been venturing to Seapoint Village near Cape May for vacations. Sometimes it was everyone, sometimes it was some of us, but these vacations are just plain awesome. One particular year, I was boogie-boarding, and I looked back and had the company of a few dolphins. Yes, I tend to exaggerate things (a gift from mom), but, in all seriousness, these dolphins were under my feet. It was awesome.That year at Christmas, I believe it was Aunt Eileen (fact check?) who gave out glass dolphin ornaments.

-The "First" Ornament - This wasn't hung on the tree, but on the window, where my mom tended to leave out some of her favorite ornaments. There are about 10 or 15 scattered around the frame, that you cant even notice unless you really look. On the window, we hung a little silver bag with "Christmas 1981," which I had no idea what that meant. It was the year mommy and daddy got married.

Though Christmas decorating just can't be the same with mommy, it helps to think that I know she'd be extremely happy with the job we'd done.

Flapjacks

2008-12-08T16:18:00.000-05:00

Because she was 12 when I was born, Pam loved to take care of me like I was her little girl. She tried to make everything fun...I was reminded of this when I made pancakes on Saturday morning. When the little dribbles on the skillet got crispy, I gave them to Emma and told her they were teeny, tiny, baby pancakes. Way back when Pam made them for me, she would try to flip over even the smallest drops of batter, so she could put a little pile of them on my plate.

Sometimes she even added food coloring to make the meal interesting. One time, we were out of orange and red, so she used green. Apparently she didn't foresee the problem I would have eating green pancakes...I must have been 5 or 6, and I remember looking at them on my plate and feeling queasy. I ate them, but it was not a happy breakfast. Pam kept telling me there was nothing wrong with them. I saw her put the coloring in, but it bothered me...especially the way the green mush spread into the syrup. Immediately after I finished, I had to run to the bathroom to get sick. Yes, I puked up the "bad" pancakes!

Pam rarely teased me, but I do remember that she made fun of me for a long time after that one. Maybe next time I'll make Emma some pink ones...definitely not green, or even worse, blue! Blech.

This Morning...

2008-12-08T10:03:00.001-05:00

Was the first day I woke up and cried because I missed mommy. Neither this day nor this date is significant. It is no different than yesterday, and the same as tomorrow. I struggle with not being angry that she left me. I miss her most in the morning.

On the topic of Angels...

2008-12-04T11:13:00.001-05:00

Mommy loved angels. Aunt M and E took their favorites from my parent's to remember mommy, believe me, mommy has so many angels, I cant even tell which ones went M.I.A. I had this guilt for a few days for not having a particular one I wanted, and if I did, where the heck would I really put it? Leaving my parents the other day, I'd spotted one that all but screamed my name. It's a corner angel, and mommy had it resting on the corner of the giant window in the living room. Without knowing it before, daddy told me he'd bought this for mommy years ago. I took the angel back to my aparmtnet, and put it up right above my bedroom doorway, near the foot of my bed. It's the first thing I see when I wake up, and the last thing I see before bed. Though I've seen this angel and countless other throughout my life, maybe it took me loosing mine to realize how incredibly beautiful they are.

2008-12-03T17:46:00.001-05:00

Christmas Angels

Today, I was helping to set up for the Christmas sale at the Thrift Shop where I volunteer once a week. Auntie Pammie loved to come to the shop and browse and especially enjoyed the Christmas Sale where she could pick up LOTS of Christmas stuff for her kids . As I was unpacking boxes today, I noticed that there seemed to be lots of Angels -ornaments, ceramic figures, dolls. Maybe there are always lots of angels, but I am noticing more now. Auntie Pammie loved her angels. We also had more help today setting up then we have had in the past few years and we call these helpers our angels. Maybe Pammie sent the angels as her way of being with us at the sale. Love you Auntie Pammie!
egc

Hiker Man, Coming Thru.

2008-12-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

Mommy was in love with all things Appalachian Trail. Detailing his journey along the trail, Bryson’s “A Walk in the Woods” is what sent my mom into Appalachian fever. Though I didn’t get to experience too many of the hikes with her, she’d gotten to do a few short hikes with my Aunt M and Aunt E (insert other family member names here) the years before she passed away. On one hike I had missed, the fams crossed paths with a thru-hiker, my mother completely enthralled, asking him question after question about his trek. My mother was relentless about me reading “A Walk in the Woods,” and although I am a picky reader, I finally gave in and started reading it a few months ago. Though I haven’t finished it, I wish I could have been there, because I have dozens of questions for mister mysterious hiker man.

Driving home the other day, I realized there is a small part of the road that "the trail" cuts across. Now, I use the term "the trail" loosely because I don’t actually know if it's the Appalachian trail, but a trail nonetheless. That should theoretically count for the integrity of the story, correct? So anyways, said trail, said road, the point is that the car in front of me was stopped. A hiker man with a large pack, sleeping bag and everything hanging off, was crossing the road. I’ve driven that road an unbelievable amount of times, never once seeing anyone cross at the junction. Although I hope it’s not the same hiker man my mom met (for he would have to had been going in circles for some time), I like the signs mommy sends me to let me know she’s just “passing thru.”

Christmas Shopping

2008-12-02T10:58:00.000-05:00

I do not like to shop...but my sister? She LOVED it...shopping for gifts, cards, craft junkamola, you name it. She spent many hours over the last few months in bed, poring over catalogs and making lists for Christmas. This was a good substitute for the real thing, and she seemed to truly enjoy picking out just the right thing for each person.

So yesterday I started my own Christmas shopping, and I did it with Pammie in mind. I started a list in a little notebook, and I tried to embrace the giving spirit of the holiday. After the kids went to bed, I sat down and did some online shopping, and I bought some gifts for my husband that my sister helped me pick out just a week before she passed away. In the next few weeks, I hope to give up some of the "burden" that holiday shopping seems to be, and enjoy it for her.

Why exactly did these particular monkeys love jumping on the bed?

2008-11-30T16:54:00.000-05:00

For as long as I can remember, mommy has been singing a little song "5 little monkeys jumping on the bed. "She sang it to my brothers and I as children as well as when we were adults, and to her nieces M and E. The best though, was when she used to sing it to my dog Carol. It may seem odd, but when mommy used to sing it to Carol, her little tiny (pea shaped) head would explode. Mommy would sit by the edge of the bed while Carol with sleeping (on the bed, obviously). She would sing it slow, inching her fingers like little legs across the bed towards Carols face. The greatest part was hen mommy's finger would get an inch or two from Carol's face, Carol would be so excited, she'd slink the rest of the way on her belly to land a lick on Mommy's face.

On line in Borders, I tried to resist the temptation of all the crappy chotchkies along the way. As I got closer to the register, one of the chotckies was a "5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" card game. Random and significant beyond belief, I had to buy it, mommy wouldn't have thought twice about buying it either. I'm sending it to Aunt M to play with Baby E. I can only hope one of their little heads explodes.

Significance

2008-11-29T20:47:00.000-05:00

We just finished decorating our Christmas tree, and it has Pammie written all over it! For one thing, I have several homemade ornaments from her children, including a little styrofoam snowman and a wreath made of beads and pipe cleaners...note that her kids are now all in their twenties! I remember loving it when she gave out those crafty gifts, because I pictured a perfect Christmas moment of kids around the table drinking hot chocolate. In reality, it was probably more like the projects we do in our house, where Emma usually leaves the table well before we're actually done. When Michael is old enough, I can picture screaming and much fighting over the Elmer's glue.

In recent years, Pam started a tradition of exchanging ornaments, but it had a catch...the ornaments you gave had to have "significance." I jokingly tried to make her define that many times, even though I knew exactly what she meant. The definition was so loose that almost anything could count, as long as you could explain it. The year that we painted garden chairs, she gave me a tiny chair ornament that was handpainted to look just like the one that was in my garden. Incidently, my sister-in-law had the same idea, and so I have several tiny chairs on the tree.

My favorite from my sis, though, is a plain wood ornament, painted to look like an Appalachain Trail sign. We had done some short hikes that year, and we often talked about how cool it would be to do a real back-country hike. I had my husband put that ornament front and center because suddenly, everything she's given me is weighted with significance. Every ornament she gave me has new meaning. Every angel is Pam watching over me, and most importantly, every bell that rings gives Pammie her wings.

The Christmas Pig

2008-11-27T21:29:00.000-05:00

When I visited Pam a few weeks ago, we were looking through catalogs to do some Christmas shopping. In one, we found a pink peppermint pig that you're supposed to break and eat during the Christmas season for good luck. Quite a few years ago, Pam brought one of those pigs to my mom's for the Christmas Eve party with the O family. After the meatballs and shrimp, we smashed it on the slate of the front entry way. It took quite a few tries to break it, because it only comes with this teeny little hammer. She was so excited to start a new tradition, but as far as I know, we only did it that one year.

When we were talking about it, she remembered it tasting great, but I think it may have been just tolerable. In any case, one of these years (maybe even this one), I'll buy a pig and smash it for my family...and I'll remember holidays past that were full of the love of my sis.

The Title

2008-11-26T21:02:00.000-05:00

Pam sang all kinds of songs, all the time. Some of her favorites were Girl Scout songs...I Have a Daisy on my Toe was one of her favorites. Last summer she sang it to my daughter E, who listened intently and then tried to stick a flower between her toes. :)

I have a daisy on my toe.
It is not real, it does not grow.
It's just attached
To of a flower.
It looks so real
While taking a shower.
It's on the second toe
Of my left foot.
A stemming flower
That has no root.
(No root, imagine that!)
I have a daisy on my toe.
My right food loves
My left foot so.

I looked up the lyrics and the "attached to of a flower," which never did seem to make sense, is supposed to be "a tattoo of a flower." I'll always sing it the wrong way, though.

Here's to Pammie

2008-11-25T22:09:00.000-05:00

On November 19 I lost my big sister, after a brave, but too short fight with cancer. Not much I can say now, but I will be forever grateful that I got to spend her last moments in her beautiful presence. This is a little "family statement" that we're working on for the paper...I think it sums it up for me, for now at least.

"Pam had a kind and generous soul. When she entered a room, you could feel a spirit of beauty and an absolute love of life. Throughout her life, she gave her heart and soul to the people and animals around her. Her mission was to take care of her family and friends, and it seemed like that circle grew a little bit every day. Her co-workers, the friends of her children, people on line at the grocery store…she treated everyone she met with respect and compassion. Pam will be missed by those she left behind, and our hearts ache for those who never had the honor of knowing her."

This blog is dedicated to Pammie.